Tuesday, August 11, 2009
new blog address
refer to sherdawgexpose2.blogspot.com for future reference. this blog is being discontinued due to problems with it. Thanks friends!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
When words of my own are not good enough...
"You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it."-J M Barrie
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.-St. Augustine
"My night has become a sunny dawn because of you."
--Ibn Abbad
"In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person."
--Margaret Anderson
"Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me."
--Sarah Bernhardt
Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.-Babe Ruth
If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go.-Anonymous
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be.-Anonymous
Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime.-Bette Davis
Don't let someone become your everything, because when they're gone you have nothing!
-Kenya Mitchell
Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that they feel the same.-CourtneyJo Wright
They say loving you gives pains and full of sacrifices But I'll rather take pains and lots of sacrifices than not to be love by you.-Aaron
I dont know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too.-Chloe Woodward
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.-Marilyn Monroe
The ones that you love the most are usually the ones that hurt you the most.-kati tgj
BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THEN TO HAVE NEVER LOVED AT ALL-HEMMINGWAY
If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings.-Lisa Moriyama
When Death to either shall come -- I pray it be first to me.-Robert Bridges
I hold it true, whatever befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.-Lord Alfred Tennyson
"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice."
- Samuel Johnston
"It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them."
- Duc de la Rochefoucauld
"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant."
- Socrates, Greek Philosopher
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa
"Never injure a friend, even in jest."
- Cicero
"With every friend I love who has been taken into the brown bosom of the earth a part of me has been buried there; but their contribution to my being of happiness, strength and understanding remains to sustain me in an altered world."
- Helen Keller
"The friendship that can cease has never been real."
- Saint Jerome
"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."
- Henry Ford
"The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?"
- Henry David Thoreau
"Friendship without self interest is one of the rare and beautiful things in life."
- James Francis Byrnes
"A friend is, as it were, a second self.
- Cicero
"All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand."
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
"Never shall I forget the days I spent with you. Continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
- Ludwig van Beethoven
“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.-St. Augustine
"My night has become a sunny dawn because of you."
--Ibn Abbad
"In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person."
--Margaret Anderson
"Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me."
--Sarah Bernhardt
Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.-Babe Ruth
If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go.-Anonymous
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be.-Anonymous
Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime.-Bette Davis
Don't let someone become your everything, because when they're gone you have nothing!
-Kenya Mitchell
Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that they feel the same.-CourtneyJo Wright
They say loving you gives pains and full of sacrifices But I'll rather take pains and lots of sacrifices than not to be love by you.-Aaron
I dont know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too.-Chloe Woodward
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.-Marilyn Monroe
The ones that you love the most are usually the ones that hurt you the most.-kati tgj
BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THEN TO HAVE NEVER LOVED AT ALL-HEMMINGWAY
If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings.-Lisa Moriyama
When Death to either shall come -- I pray it be first to me.-Robert Bridges
I hold it true, whatever befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.-Lord Alfred Tennyson
"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice."
- Samuel Johnston
"It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them."
- Duc de la Rochefoucauld
"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant."
- Socrates, Greek Philosopher
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa
"Never injure a friend, even in jest."
- Cicero
"With every friend I love who has been taken into the brown bosom of the earth a part of me has been buried there; but their contribution to my being of happiness, strength and understanding remains to sustain me in an altered world."
- Helen Keller
"The friendship that can cease has never been real."
- Saint Jerome
"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."
- Henry Ford
"The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?"
- Henry David Thoreau
"Friendship without self interest is one of the rare and beautiful things in life."
- James Francis Byrnes
"A friend is, as it were, a second self.
- Cicero
"All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand."
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
"Never shall I forget the days I spent with you. Continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
- Ludwig van Beethoven
“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Sending...
Never Gonna Be Alone by Nickelback
Time is going by
So much faster than I
And I’ve started to regret not spending a little with you
Now I’m
Wondering why
I’ve kept this bottled inside
So I’ve started to regret not telling all of it to you
So if I haven’t yet
I’ve gotta let you know
You’re never gonna be alone
From this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go
I won’t let you fall
You’re never gonna be alone
I’ll hold you until the hurt is gone
And now
As long as I can
I’m holding on with both hands
Cuz forever I believe that there’s nothing I could need but you
So if I haven’t yet
I’ve gotta let you know
You’re never gonna be alone
From this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go
I won’t let you fall
When all hope is gone
I know that you can carry on
We’re gonna take the world along
I’ll hold you until the hurt is gone
You gotta live every single day
Like it’s the only one
What if tomorrow never comes
Don’t let it slip away
Could be our only one
You know its only just begun
Every single day
May be our only one
What if tomorrow never comes
Tomorrow never comes
Time is going by
So much faster than I
And I’ve started to regret not telling all of this to you
Your never gonna be alone
From this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go
I won’t let you fall
When all hope is gone
I know that you can carry on
Were gonna take the world along
I’ll hold you until the hurt is gone
I’m gonna be there all the way
I won’t be missing one more day
I’m gonna be there all the way
I won’t be missing one more day
Time is going by
So much faster than I
And I’ve started to regret not spending a little with you
Now I’m
Wondering why
I’ve kept this bottled inside
So I’ve started to regret not telling all of it to you
So if I haven’t yet
I’ve gotta let you know
You’re never gonna be alone
From this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go
I won’t let you fall
You’re never gonna be alone
I’ll hold you until the hurt is gone
And now
As long as I can
I’m holding on with both hands
Cuz forever I believe that there’s nothing I could need but you
So if I haven’t yet
I’ve gotta let you know
You’re never gonna be alone
From this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go
I won’t let you fall
When all hope is gone
I know that you can carry on
We’re gonna take the world along
I’ll hold you until the hurt is gone
You gotta live every single day
Like it’s the only one
What if tomorrow never comes
Don’t let it slip away
Could be our only one
You know its only just begun
Every single day
May be our only one
What if tomorrow never comes
Tomorrow never comes
Time is going by
So much faster than I
And I’ve started to regret not telling all of this to you
Your never gonna be alone
From this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go
I won’t let you fall
When all hope is gone
I know that you can carry on
Were gonna take the world along
I’ll hold you until the hurt is gone
I’m gonna be there all the way
I won’t be missing one more day
I’m gonna be there all the way
I won’t be missing one more day
Quote
Anyway
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
Marriage, family life, and compromise...
There are these periods in my life where I almost never listen to music and my life seems to flow just fine and other times where I seem to live and breath every word of every song that I pulse through my ears. Right now? I'm in one of those places where I listen for hours to music and just sit/lay there soaking it all up. I feel like I have made leaps and bounds over the last two years in learning to express myself but I still feel like music fills some sort place in me and somehow listening to words that speak of things I feel, then the feelings come out.
I have been listening to lots of rock lately. I have been in country phases and techno and even pop but lately it's been nothing but rock. I keep thinking about all my favorite songs by daughtry and nickelback. Good stuff.
I was talking to my little sister the other day and I realized something I had never really thought of before. You see my older brother is unmarried but lives with a woman who has had two of his kids. This by itself might not mean much but then there is what my sis and I were talking about. She was talking about how excited she is to come to college in two months and I was asking her about her bf who of course she is leaving behind. Anyway, I asked her if she was excited to meet some guys up at college and she got stoked and said that there would be hundreds of hott guys around.
I started joking around with her because both my little sisters are dating guys and of course I am dating no one, anyway I said hey I will be your bridesmaid when you decide to get married to a nice man at college. She said "ew! tell me that in three years!" I was kinda surprised cus I know my sis and I know she likes guys and totally wants to have sex...who doesn't? She remarked that she doesn't want to be tied down and wants to have options. I realized right then that none of my siblings wants to settle down with a partner because they don't want to end up like all the people in our extended family as well as our parents.
I sure don't want to be like my parents but in some ways I have made more progress than my siblings in this department. I feel like with the right person at the right time things will work out with some hard work involved. I guess my brother and sister jsut feel like marriage always ends in unhappiness and disaster. I agree, but only when people don't learn to compromise or grow as a unit and not separately.
I think that a couple has to be willing to work together on many fronts in order for a marriage to be successful. When it comes to autonomy, one has to be willing to give a certain amount up for the sake of the relationship. I think that when you take two separate people and they come together there will always be conflict but it is how they deal with the conflict that sets them apart from other couples.
When I look at relatively happy couples the things that pop out to me are their willingness to talk about everything, including conflict as well as key other things. I think that happy couples take care of each other. When each person it taking care of the other person then everyone is taken care of and selfishness has a hard time creeping in. It is when selfishness and pride creep in that couples start down a road to trouble. There is always a way back for couples but once you are on the rocks it's hard to get off.
A deep abiding unconditional positive regard is pretty key as well. When people feel that way towards each other then it transcends any conflict or grievance. If I know that I care about my sister deep down and she says something hurtful then I can overcome that hurt to talk about it and move past it. When people do not have unconditional positive regard, that is when they become unwilling to open up wounds to heal them.
Sometimes I think the people with the greatest chance at happiness in marriage are those who are fully aware of all the ways things could go wrong. I don't mean that people have to be pessimistic but being realistic about things that could happen will go far. When you recognize your own weaknesses as well as your partner's then I think that there will be less surprises and you will be able to catch problems faster.
I guess when it comes down to it people who are educated are more likely to find happiness in marriage. I guess my point is that I find it interesting that seeing parents whose marriage is in shambles tends to destroy the children's desire for marriage. I have seen it time and time again as well as read enough to know it to be true.
Song of the day: still...
Life After You by Daughtry
I have been listening to lots of rock lately. I have been in country phases and techno and even pop but lately it's been nothing but rock. I keep thinking about all my favorite songs by daughtry and nickelback. Good stuff.
I was talking to my little sister the other day and I realized something I had never really thought of before. You see my older brother is unmarried but lives with a woman who has had two of his kids. This by itself might not mean much but then there is what my sis and I were talking about. She was talking about how excited she is to come to college in two months and I was asking her about her bf who of course she is leaving behind. Anyway, I asked her if she was excited to meet some guys up at college and she got stoked and said that there would be hundreds of hott guys around.
I started joking around with her because both my little sisters are dating guys and of course I am dating no one, anyway I said hey I will be your bridesmaid when you decide to get married to a nice man at college. She said "ew! tell me that in three years!" I was kinda surprised cus I know my sis and I know she likes guys and totally wants to have sex...who doesn't? She remarked that she doesn't want to be tied down and wants to have options. I realized right then that none of my siblings wants to settle down with a partner because they don't want to end up like all the people in our extended family as well as our parents.
I sure don't want to be like my parents but in some ways I have made more progress than my siblings in this department. I feel like with the right person at the right time things will work out with some hard work involved. I guess my brother and sister jsut feel like marriage always ends in unhappiness and disaster. I agree, but only when people don't learn to compromise or grow as a unit and not separately.
I think that a couple has to be willing to work together on many fronts in order for a marriage to be successful. When it comes to autonomy, one has to be willing to give a certain amount up for the sake of the relationship. I think that when you take two separate people and they come together there will always be conflict but it is how they deal with the conflict that sets them apart from other couples.
When I look at relatively happy couples the things that pop out to me are their willingness to talk about everything, including conflict as well as key other things. I think that happy couples take care of each other. When each person it taking care of the other person then everyone is taken care of and selfishness has a hard time creeping in. It is when selfishness and pride creep in that couples start down a road to trouble. There is always a way back for couples but once you are on the rocks it's hard to get off.
A deep abiding unconditional positive regard is pretty key as well. When people feel that way towards each other then it transcends any conflict or grievance. If I know that I care about my sister deep down and she says something hurtful then I can overcome that hurt to talk about it and move past it. When people do not have unconditional positive regard, that is when they become unwilling to open up wounds to heal them.
Sometimes I think the people with the greatest chance at happiness in marriage are those who are fully aware of all the ways things could go wrong. I don't mean that people have to be pessimistic but being realistic about things that could happen will go far. When you recognize your own weaknesses as well as your partner's then I think that there will be less surprises and you will be able to catch problems faster.
I guess when it comes down to it people who are educated are more likely to find happiness in marriage. I guess my point is that I find it interesting that seeing parents whose marriage is in shambles tends to destroy the children's desire for marriage. I have seen it time and time again as well as read enough to know it to be true.
Song of the day: still...
Life After You by Daughtry
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The depression has lifted...
It's kinda funny how depression ebbs and flows. I guess it has been a while since I really felt like I was sinking in my depression. I'm not so sure I would say that I am fine because certain things still get me down fast but on the whole I have been so much better the last two months. I have slowly pulled out of this depression that I have been in for nine months or more. It was odd how fast I fell into the depression in the first place and how it came so hard and fast but now it seems to lifted just as fast and suddenly.
I feel like it has been rainy with dark clouded over me for nine months and just now the sun shone out and the clouded parted to reveal not just a rainbow but blue sky. It's a wonderful feeling.
I feel like it has been rainy with dark clouded over me for nine months and just now the sun shone out and the clouded parted to reveal not just a rainbow but blue sky. It's a wonderful feeling.
What's to come...
Life After You
Daughtry
I'm ten miles from town
And I just broke down
Spitting out smoke
On the side of the road
I'm out here alone
Just trying to get home
To tell you I was wrong
But you already know
Believe I won't stop for nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'
All that I'm after
Is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
And I think that
All that still matters is the love and the laughter
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
The last time we talked
The night that I walked
Burns like a light
In the back of my mind
I must've been high
To say you and I
Weren't meant to be
An' just wasting my time
Oh, why did I ever doubt you
You know, I will die here without you
All that I'm after
Is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
And I think that
All that still matters is the love and the laughter
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
You and I, right or wrong
There's no other one
After this time spent on
Time to believe
That around inside a piece so blinded
Thinkin' all about the times
I must've been out of my mind
So I wonder if I can tell you
All that I'm after
Is a life full of laughter
And now God knows what I'd do, yeah
All that I'm after
Is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
And I think that
All that still matters is the love and the laughter
After the life we've been through, yeah
I know there's no life after you
You know there's no life after you
You know there's no life after you
You know there's no life after you
No, no life after you
Yeah
Daughtry
I'm ten miles from town
And I just broke down
Spitting out smoke
On the side of the road
I'm out here alone
Just trying to get home
To tell you I was wrong
But you already know
Believe I won't stop for nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'
All that I'm after
Is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
And I think that
All that still matters is the love and the laughter
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
The last time we talked
The night that I walked
Burns like a light
In the back of my mind
I must've been high
To say you and I
Weren't meant to be
An' just wasting my time
Oh, why did I ever doubt you
You know, I will die here without you
All that I'm after
Is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
And I think that
All that still matters is the love and the laughter
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
You and I, right or wrong
There's no other one
After this time spent on
Time to believe
That around inside a piece so blinded
Thinkin' all about the times
I must've been out of my mind
So I wonder if I can tell you
All that I'm after
Is a life full of laughter
And now God knows what I'd do, yeah
All that I'm after
Is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
And I think that
All that still matters is the love and the laughter
After the life we've been through, yeah
I know there's no life after you
You know there's no life after you
You know there's no life after you
You know there's no life after you
No, no life after you
Yeah
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The song of my heart
Feels Like Home
Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've felt so low
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
Chorus: Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where
I come from
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there's light
If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I've never thought I'd love anyone so much
Chorus
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've felt so low
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
Chorus: Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where
I come from
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there's light
If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I've never thought I'd love anyone so much
Chorus
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
Friday, July 10, 2009
I'm sorry, did you sing something or just mumble a curse word??
Music. Let's talk pronunciation for a second. I've been hearing a lot of lame mumbo jumbo lately that people claim to like. Here's the thing. How the hell can they like it when it is so incomprehensible? I mean I sit there and listen for all my poor deaf ears can take and I still can't understand a single line of the song. Who likes to just listen to the beat? I mean that is after all what classical music and instrumental are for, right? To not hear any words?
It amazes me that people put up with songs where they have no idea what the singer is talking about cus no one can understand them. If I am gonna listen to a song and devote 3-5 minutes to the enjoyment of it I sure as heck better be able to figure out what the topic of the song is and also what each word is. After all how do people even sing to songs in their car where the words are all slurred together? How do they even know what to sing? I sure as heck don't half the time I get in someone's car and they turn on the blasted radio.
I'm starting a movement where singers actually pronounce words and don't make up words so that their lyrics can rhyme. Who's with me?
It amazes me that people put up with songs where they have no idea what the singer is talking about cus no one can understand them. If I am gonna listen to a song and devote 3-5 minutes to the enjoyment of it I sure as heck better be able to figure out what the topic of the song is and also what each word is. After all how do people even sing to songs in their car where the words are all slurred together? How do they even know what to sing? I sure as heck don't half the time I get in someone's car and they turn on the blasted radio.
I'm starting a movement where singers actually pronounce words and don't make up words so that their lyrics can rhyme. Who's with me?
Thursday, July 9, 2009
The light is all but gone again
Sometimes I walk through life in a fog. I seem to sense very little in the crevices deep in the rock I like to call my heart. You see, others cry when it seems appropriate or the words cue them. Me? Nope. I sit without a single emotion on the outer side of the wall painted clear across my face. I know I ought to not worry about myself in comparison to others but I do. Mostly I just realize how little I truly show on the outside. There are the emotions I allow to show around those I trust and those I long to trust but mostly the windows to my eyes are clouded and foggy so that no one might know what I am thinking or feeling or even if I AM thinking or feeling.
I've been so numb for days that I just haven't had the presence of mind to write anything on my blog and I guess there have been moments where the thought of failing out of school almost overwhelm me to drastic action but so far I have barely held those things at bay.
I have been thinking a lot about what I want for the future and well honestly I have come up with very little. Something that came to my mind pretty vividly though was a flashback to living in Tigard with Kiersten and the fight with Jessica Lee. Of course, that brings up memories of her changing her life, going off the meth, and starting the process of serving a mission. I felt lucky to be a part of her life. I felt that she understood what it is like to be different, to be judged. I will never forget her. It causes me quite a bit of sadness though when I think where her life is at present.
When I went back to BYU-I, Jessica was pretty alone and then came the news that the bishop, Mel's dad and the stake president wouldn't let her go on a mission for a few months. She waited those few months. Once again they said "let's wait a little while." Pretty soon she realized that they wouldn't let her go. I felt for her. I knew that it was a big deal that she even wanted to serve a mission but it seemed that the leaders didn't feel she was worthy. She was totally worthy. It tore me up to see men use their power for the wrong. I felt that with the refusal to make her life matter, that Jess was going downhill.
About halfway through the semester Jess moved back to Utah where her move producer father had welcomed her back to work with him. I knew that on the one hand it was good for her to get away from the influences of Portland but on the other hand I knew tha moving back to the place where she had messed up so many times would be way difficult for her to withstand. I couldn't really do much to help her and pretty soon she was using meth again. Then she took off for Hawaii and here we are today with her living in Hawaii and totally using meth to the disaster and catastrophic results of ruining her life.
I guess looking back I feel a bit responsible. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Anyway, the whole point of saying I was looking back on her and me and everything is to say that I remember the fight we had back in the day. It was way ugly. Not because she really yelled or because she said particularly horrible things. It was that she said something at just the right pitch and right tone and it was true and it hurt. Jess was mad because I was too depressing. All I talked about was how the past hurt and how the present sucked. It did suck. Her argument was that I never told her when I was happy and or when things were going well.
The problem with her words were that they were sharp without much help from her voice. The words cut me to the core. I knew that even I wouldn't want to be my friend at that point. I was a full blown drunk at the time and I worked 24/7 and when I wasn't working or drunk I was driving downtown for yet another appt with Jenna. I hated the fact that I wasn't talking to my family and that I was out of control and that my living arrangement sucked. I find myself realizing that I am reminding myself of how I was back then. I need to stop telling people how much things suck. I need to shut the hell up about my inner thoughts and try to just find a few things each day that might be slightly nice and speak about those things.
For day I am picking the fact that my sports psych class made me realize a few things. First that I am very very lucky to have a cell phone. Ya, small stuff but hey man I gotta start somewhere, right? I guess part of the reason today is different than previous days is that I slowed down enough to realize what is stirring within me. I lay there for a hour or so in my bed, then it hit me. I haven't just sat or laid somewhere in silence for quite some time.
Stopping my feet long enough for my emotions to catch up is rough. I feel the rawness of it all pressing against my temples and I am trying to focus. I myself feeling some emotions that I must get out. I apologize to the world that I am a bitter bitter person but I feel hurt. That's just it. I try to be positive but things come crashing down so easily in my life. I wonder if I self-destruct as soon as something seems to be working out or if really I am meant to go through hell and back to make myself a better person.
I am off the meds. Have been for a while. It seems too late to go running back to them but I have to say that this bouncing around thing is getting difficult to hide from people. Up down, Sideways, side to side, and all around. It is crazy. I find myself wanting to hide from everything and everyone right now. I know that I am in that place where even the slightest inflection of voice could pierce the very skin on my body. I am not even sure how to recover from it either.
I don't even blame people for not wanting to hang out with me. I get it. I doesn't take much to recall Jill or Kris. It's not like everyone is like me and actually find those people amazing despite the pessimism and hurt in their eyes. I guess there really is no way I could be normal. I mean look at my life and who I am today. I am a wreck. I am two steps from drowning myself in a Smirnoff bath and passing out next to a bottle of pills.
I know that I am oh so close to disaster and yet I just don't take steps to call a tdoc or talk about it. I guess I just want other people to be spared of me. I don't want to bring anyone else down. I feel responsible for many people in my life. I know I have influence and even looking back to high school I turned Becky Hodgson into a drug addict and high school drop out. I feel so utterly dirty for ruining her future. I can trace every moment of her high school career to things I did and her mimicking me. I jsut wish I could go back and set things right. I messed things up bad. I somehow managed to recover to some degree but poor Becky...I still hear about her every now and again from old friends. She aint doing so swell.
I walked through many things in life and lived to tell the tale. Many aren't so lucky. I feel grateful to have survived, sometimes.
I don't feel like I deserve anything anymore. I know what a mess I've made of life and all. I don't deserve love or companionship so freak I don't feel like life has cheated me or anything. More than anything I have ever known in life I have known solitude and it doesn't scare me anymore. It doesn't even scare me that I feel like I won't be back next semester at school. Facing my parents? A little scary. But then...they always expected me to fail so it mattereth not.
I foresee plenty of tv watching, mind dulling, senseless, and coldly calculated moments. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to have any memories. Perhaps if I pray just the right amount some merciful God will send a bus to crush my skull. Too much to hope for? I don't exactly have it in my to finish the job anymore. My goal now is not to let anyone else be influenced by me and my life. If I do drugs it will be alone and no more dragging people into hell with me. The drinking? Well I already know who will drink with me. It isn't like Michael has ever stopped thinking about me. Man, sometimes I miss him more than others. After all I cheated on him and he still loved me. Crazy. He might possibly be the only man that knew even the darkest of evil in me and still cared.
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