Taking the first step in the longest stride in the run...

So I have been emotional about relationships in the past and rather hazardously trying oh so hard to make a real solid one. I realize that I lack the people skills to really get to that place but have somehow found reason to fight that knowledge in the past. I tried oh so hard to see other people's perspective, come to their rescue in distress, and all in all make some serious compromise. I shared of myself and told certain things that seemed like things people share when they draw closer. I see now that all this forcing and shoving really was pointless and rather stupid.

I now approach relationships in a if it works it works sort of way. I don't mean that when things go rather south that I do not attempt to right my wrongs; I just mean that I do not force an easiness that doesn't exist. When it comes to people I realize a couple things. I relate to almost all but rarely if ever do others relate to a great extent to me. I saw my relating to them, in the past, as a sign of connection. I now see more clearly that simply because I feel for every stray does not mean that they feel for me. My mistake has often been in assuming that jsut because I would jump in front of a car to save so and so, that they would do the same.

The shocking splash of water came several years ago when friend A did not step out of norms to step up as a friend. It was then that I realized I might always be on my own and was going to have to somehow come to terms with that. It has taken several years and many a frustrated night and a heart wrenching goodbye, but I now do not give more than is given to me. I do not allow myself to be dragged through the dirt by another when they have never stepped in to offer a hand to me.

I am not trying to become more heartless nor do I think that I am because I am here to tell anyone who cares that I have spent many a night and day worrying about those I love and being concerned. I care about people a great deal. I am not saying that I do not. I jsut have to learn to feel those feelings without always acting on them because often it scares people how much I care. I care sometimes for reasons I cannot even explain or fathom. I simply feel things for people.

I used to mistake respect for love, love for trust, trust for love, and trust for respect. I see now that they are night and day and I have often respected people but rarely have I, if ever, trusted a person. I love all though. I have had to separate the many threads and weaves that bind me to other people in order to see what is what and who is who and finally; what people's intentions and expectations are and were.

I know that there have been people who had dreams for me that I never could live up to and there have been people like my parents who never thought I would amount to much and here I am today more than they have ever been. I think that there are simply so many factors in relationships and often I feel that I am an observer looking in at my own relationships and tweaking them and noticing patterns, even evaluating and contemplating. I often find myself weighing people. I look at a person and I think that person seems as though they deal with A, B, and C. Could they ever find room in that for me? And I act accordingly. I know this is not fair to people because I do not allow them to decide their own involvement with me but I have been taught over many many years that I make the best decisions when I leave none to be made by the other person when it come to my own issues.

I realize that this is part of the problem. Only those who push themselves into my life and my problems like Jill and Carly have really penetrated that. I couldn't fool them and they wouldn't take no for an answer. They spoke up when they knew something was up and I was taught to be real with them. It is seldom that I get a chance to be real with people and I cherish those moments but I seem unable to take the risk and dive in on my own without an invitation to the party first.

Sleep and Dissociating

I have been weighing my options and what I will do from here on out and I keep thinking about everything seemingly even when I'm trying to sleep. Not that I sleep much these days. I seem to toss so much that I incur bruises and/or sore muscles. I wake up all night sometimes to fragments of nightmares and other times I just feel a gripping feeling of panic but no memory exists of a dream. I used to have a recurring nightmare where my dad was trying to kill my brother and me. It was always in the middle of the night and he had a butcher knife. I don't wake up with those kinds of vivid memories anymore though. I think the dissociation may be drifting over into my dreaming. 

I wish I felt safe somewhere. I mean I never feel safe no matter where I am sleeping. I think about moving out but really it would make little difference except that I would have to pay rent. I don't know that I will ever feel fully healed from my PTSD. I think sometimes the hardest part is not having family that support me. My mom has told so many lies over the years to my siblings about me that I just don't trust that passive aggressive woman anymore. Sometimes I latch onto guys and make them my world in some ways in an attempt to feel some kind of connection but honestly I am not so sure I feel many connections to people or life these days.

I feel like I am on the verge of taking a bunch of meds and going to bed. I think; "Hmmm, what would Ritalin, Vicodin, Cymbalta, Zoloft, Ambien, Tylenol, Advil, Sudafed, etc all do when combined in large doses?" I know this is just so far over the edge but this if where my mind goes and I sometimes feel so utterly alone when I wake up from nightmares that I consider this a very likely possibility. Sigh. People who live with significant others can't possibly feel this alone. Sometimes I realize how fucking weak I am and I just get angry and then I think I deserve such indescribable torture. I really should get rid of the many many blades I own but I like cooking...

And...I just came out of dissociating. Seems to be the only place where things don't suck or hurt.

Depression, PTSD, and Dissociation

I have been thinking a lot about this new DBT Clinic and what it would mean for me. I really really don't want to stop seeing my current therapist but you know sometimes I think I get too comfortable with her. I know I got my tattoo for myself but I know my therapist played a large part in that. Sometimes I think we are too comfortable with each other for a counselor/client relationship. I seem to be experiencing deeper affects of PTSD lately which has led to more study and research on my part. Some of my findings;

What are the symptoms of Complex PTSD?

Alterations in consciousness

This includes things such as as forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body.

What other difficulties do those with Complex PTSD tend to experience?

• Survivors may avoid thinking and talking about trauma-related topics because the feelings associated with the trauma are often overwhelming.
• Survivors may use alcohol and substance abuse as a way to avoid and numb feelings and thoughts related to the trauma.
• Survivors may also engage in self-mutilation and other forms of self-harm

Many people with PTSD tend to re-experience the ordeal that set the disease in motion, especially when they are exposed to events or objects reminiscent of the trauma. Anniversaries of the event can also trigger symptoms. People with PTSD also experience emotional numbness, sleep disturbances, anxiety, intense guilt, depression, irritability, or outbursts of anger.

 I seem to be angry a lot lately and in almost an uncontrollable rage sort of way. I have been getting really livid with people when they don't understand me. I seem to be easily set off too. I was never an angry person but lately I just don't know.