My Safe Base

I've been thinking about my past traumas and wondering what kind of peace I need to make with them. I have been thinking about all this and contemplating exactly what I want to happen in order to make sense of what has happened, find a safer place in my life, and somehow come to terms with it all. I think I know what it is; I want to take my counselor back to my parents' house and walk through it, all the while telling stories of things that happened.

I see this happening in a more rhetorical sense than in real life. I would walk through the kitchen and recall many a time that my dad slammed his fist into the table in rage that one of us wouldn't finish our plate and even recall the time a bowl shattered when he fist collided. Some how recalling these events and walking through these haunts with my therapist seems to make a lot of sense for me.

Walking through the piano room, I would recount the ritual of me playing the piano and dad coming in to hover right behind me and all the while I felt so nervous because I knew what was coming next that I would only mess up more. He would inevitably criticize and tear down my ability to play to the point that I was left in tears.

When we walked upstairs I would begin to delve back into deeper and more painful memories. I would distantly remark that too many terrible things happened in this home to ever feel safe here. As we walked into the emaculate room that my parents claim, I would disconnectedly get that glazed look on my face, remembering all the vile acts that happened in that room.

Somehow walking through these unsafe places with Jenna seems so much more therapeutic then walking through those fears and memories with anyone else. For me, taking a trip through the haunts with someone I trust with all of me and in my current state seems a way to make peace with the past.

I don't feel particularly safe alone and I think it is because I feel at times back years ago and the victimized feeling leaves me feeling paralyzed with fears. I find that with a seldom few and select, I feel a sense of safety. I feel that I can let my guard down. I am surprised at times by those that make me feel a sense of safety. I am not sure what exactly sets me at ease with those people but something tells me through all my senses simultaneously that it is ok.

I wish I felt safe more often. I think my loss of safety is what leaves me so sleepless most nights. It really isn't plausible for me to spend the night with people but when I am in Portland I spend the night many times with two of my friends. I find that those nights are nights that I sleep so soundly and so peacefully that I am shocked. I feel safe with those two and so I sleep, I really sleep.

I wish I slept more. I wish that I slept deeper. I wish that I slept without the torment of nightmares. I wish that I could somehow make my fears dissapate. Somehow, though, my fears are ever present and even the most rigorous therapy does nothing to abate them. I know my safe base has been screwed with by my dad and my brother and even my mom from the time I was a little kid until now. I just hope that one day I will feel like my home is truly a safe haven from the world.

Life is a race sometimes. Right now I am barely keeping up.

I didn't sleep well lastnight. I set my alarm for a reasonable sounding time but two hours after the alarm was supposed to go off I woke in a fog. I have been having these really painful headaches lately. I keep struggling to get to my sports psych class. I really should go. I like the class but for some reason I have been struggling to get up. Perhaps 9 really was a little too hopeful for my state?

I went to the testing center to take three tests and I asked the gal at the desk if my two chapters were on one test or if there were two tests for the class. She said there was one test for each chapter. I commenced test only to discover that they were both on the same test. I couldn't take the test back and I had only hard core studied for the one thus far. I was furious.

I got a C on the test and felt like punching the retard at the desk for not paying closer attention before giving me an answer. I hate BYU-I sometimes. I just do. Actually I hate school. I like when I do well and I really was going to be prepared for those tests. I feel cheated out of a grade I deserved. I am only taking four or five tests for that class so 1 C really does matter and I wanted an A in the class. I am doing so well this semester it would seem and to have that blow has taken some wind out of my sails.

I get discouraged by such small things. I know I shouldn't feel like giving up but I do. I am still doing everything I am supposed to and the only class I am truly faltering in is sports psych because I haven't gone three times. It counts against me in that class to miss class and of course it's the one class I am missing. I wish I woulda just scheduled psych whenever but of course I was trying to put together the perfect schedule and thought one tiny slip wouldn't be so bad. I really don't do early classes. The funny thing is that I put together my schedule this way for a couple key reasons that never panned out. I did of course plan around the group on Wed but I had other reasons and those reasons feel so pointless now. I had scheduled to take Dan Barnes Psych class and when the prof changed I almost thought of dropping it for another semester but knew I needed to take it so here I am almost deja vu studying and taking the same tests again. I am going to force myself to go to sports psych Thurs. I am such a slacker sometimes.

We've been doing some family history research on marriages in our families for my marriage class and I am beginning to see some consistent patterns in my family. Lack of communication is a big barrier for the marriages. I think that it might even be the biggest one; after all, Allie and Amy got divorced for lack of communication among other reasons. I have noticed that dp seems to affect marriages too. I guess I have always known this but to actually see it is different somehow. I seriously think I am better off not getting married but there is a part of me that really wants to be a mother and spouse. I feel a tug and pull because of the whole lesbian fight but right now I feel it best to sit out the fight and just do school. After all, I have made it my life. I really want to do well and have made some goals towards that end. I have of course slipped on the attending all classes goal but well sometimes we mess up. That's why we have knees; so we can get back up and comtinue on.

I've made some goals towards fitness too. I registered for the Teton Dam Marathon ages ago to run in the 10K which is a feat for me since I haven't run a 10k since New Year's of '08 and even then it was a struggle. I love the First Run on new year's in Portland though. I have been trying to build my endurance better and get my time down. I have been running less than a 10K at the gym but am building up to the all impressive 10K. I know it will be a great triumph for me to run it and I am doing it to instill a sense of success and accomplishment in myself.

Btw, I wonder how many other people are depressed by the school's announcement of student deaths via email. It really is the weirdest thing I have ever heard. I remember the email about Travis. Of course there was no mention that he had committed suicide via pills and that his roommate didn't find him til he had been dead for hours. Sigh. I hate funerals. I hate that Our close friend Dave died recently. I hate that people suffer. He was a truly great and generous man and to hear my friend Zach play the piano via recording from Mexico really broke my heart. It seems that death has touched all of the people I grew up with in ways that people don't often experience death. Allison dying of cancer in her twenties and leaving her little girl and husband in law school was pretty shaking for me.

I worry about my grandfather that I love so dearly because he has had cancer(now in remission) and has diabetes, and has had stints put in arteries. I just worry because I don't know what I will do when that day comes that I lose my grandparents. I love them both and they have been parental figures in my life. The fondest memories I have in my life are times spent with them. And...right on cue the faucet turns on. Sigh. Time to do something else.

Why I am the way I am

I've been dreading sleep again. I'm not even quite sure why the flare up of fear has occurred. I just haven't been sleeping well the last few days and have been struggling to keep up with day to day things though at times I much to do I feel quite dispassionate about doing it. I have been having the night terrors/nightmares more. I have been cleaning a lot and I guess that is a sign that I feel out of control in my environment or so it's been in the past. I have been having a hard time focusing on studying again too. I have been doing so well at staying on top of classes these first two weeks of class but I am finding myself unconcerned about missing classes again and well I just keep forcing myself to go but even when I do that I still don't get much from it.

I find myself almost entirely issolated and I have been trying to pinpoint factors. What comes to mind is my growing social anxiety. I seem to have issues being in front of people more than ever. I don't even want to sit in the front of a class. I feel like staying home and studying rather than going to fhe. I mean sure maybe it would be ok but I care a whole lot more about school than any church function and well my heart just isn't in it. I think that people are great but I seem to be pulling away from them more and more. I don't pocess the capabilities to give people the kind of reactions/relationships they want. I am apathetis towards most things they talk about and am struggling too much to make my own way through my day. Unless someone spikes my attention I find myself tuning them out. I know that is cruel but I seem pretty unable to stop myself from tuning things out these days. I even find myself tuning out my annoying professors. I would rather stay home and study the books than listen to them.

I know that I am jsut naturally someone who like their space and alone time but I am wondering how bad it is or if it's a sign of my depression that I am so issolated. I know in the past being issolated has been a sign of severe depression but now that I'm on meds I feel like I am handling things ok. I know that issolation alos can make my depression worse but I am not so sure that this time all of that applies.

I guess my feeling of being so different from those around me keeps me from socializing too. I like sports cus people in them seem more open to people talking about things openly. In high school it wasn't uncommon for the whole team to talk about issues at home or at school. We jsut all were honest about stuff and open. We knew that the left fielder in softball had an alcoholic dad. We jsut knew and it was no big deal. We watched out for each other. I like that about sports. So much of it transfers to real life. I think that is why I am so attracted to being a ref, coach, captain, and athlete. I know that it is because of sports that I have become so much the person I am today. I may not have been the best batter on the team but I knew my place and I knew I was included. On swim team I knew that my best was ok and I could always feel a winner when I really knew I had given my all. It isn't like that in school or real life most times. It's all about the outcome and not so much about the process or the experience.

Although I quit competitive volleyball I am still going to play on some rec teams because I think I need to atleast be playing sports a couple times a week. I just seem to do better in life when I am playing sports. I may not have the time or emotional availability to play competitive but I still have a need to be out there playing. I like that I work in sports too. Makes me happy on the days I am reffing. I wish that people realized jsut how much sports could help people. I think that it would be the coolest thing ever to be a part of an organization that got people with MI involved in sports of all levels. I knwo that as long as competition was equal between teams and members that the benefits would occur. Helps people develop integrity, coping skills, learn to achieve, build self esteem, work together, etc. I wouldn't be the open, honest, strong person I am today without sports. Sports gives me a place where there were no limitations to the things I can do.

Diabetes wishes it was as strong as me...

Lets see...I have been a leaky faucet lately. I found out today that my diabetes has been worsened by the Risperdal. Hell the old pdoc didn't even properly warn me and I have gained twenty lbs which is just disgusting. I feel awful but not in a normal dp kind of way; more like a I can't control my friggin body kinda way. I hate it. I know if I go off the Risperdal I will be way dp again and that thought is real bad. I don't think I can go back to that place especially when I am in a place where I might change tdocs due to the current one being a tool who falls asleep in session.

Sigh. I hate that I feel so powerless. I really was beginning to feel like my life was getting into order again. I mean I felt capable of school, work, sports, etc but now...I jsut feel like I should quit volleyball but apparently they are still keeping me atleast til I make up my mind on Saturday at the tournament. I keep crying and it sucks but I don't even try to hold back anymore; I just let the tears flow because I feel them and why not let them exist?

Now I am adding insulin to the Rhinocort, Zertex, Risperdal, and Propanolol that I take daily currently. I love life. Well I do love parts. I love volleyball. I love sunsets. I love the beach. I just hate meds and I hate ptsd and dp. I do love Phil, not that we have a lot of time to see each other anymore. Sigh. Sometimes I just don't tell him things and I have no idea why. Why is it I don't tell him how bad things are? I guess I am afraid if I show him how scared I am at times and he doesn't show me love than I feel like something has been ripped inside.

I have been trying so valiantly to keep up with school but I am feeling the strain. I am going to see X Men:Origins with my two roommates though so atleast I am still trying to do fun things for myself. I have so much to do this weekend though. SO much religion homework. I feel like I am being slowly crushed. I dissociated in English today and suddenly I realized it and felt so sad that it happened but happy that it seemed a while since I had done it. I count one day without dissociating now as normal instead of abnormal. It's nice. Nice to go a whole day present. I don't lose earings anymore. Silly but something I like. I feel more vitality as a person now. The meds have given me new life and now to wonder if I have to take that away just makes me cry. I want to be alive in my own life and living every breath instead of waiting each moment for feelings to pass as I resist a lifeless feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness.

I'm working on a paper about CS Lewis for english and I feel I can do it. A month ago that wouldn't have happened nor would I have felt capable. I am going to classes and I am eating and most exalting...I'm sleeping! I'm really sleeping. I'm sleeping. Oh what a glorious thing to say outloud. I want to shout it from the roof of my apt! I mean hell I have never in my life woken like this and not thought a second thought before leaping out of bed to start the day! All these years eating breakfast was hard for lack of sleep but now I wake up 8/9am and I eat and I read and I watch tv, I do homework and I actually EASE into my day instead of JUMPING.

If there is a god he must be a cruel one I swear. Ya? Anyone felt that way? I mean dude seriously the only med that made me non-suicidal made me shoot my blood sugar levels near triple what they should be and gain twenty lbs??? Argh!!

Brighter thought: my bike parts should be here today so I can fix it and take a spin down to the mountain for a little biking. I can't wait. I need to feel a little wind on my face and sun on my arms.

Feeling grumpy and resentful

I feel irritable today. I just feel all grumpy cus I am still not sleeping good and I keep waking up enough not to be fully asleep but not enough to wake up so I get truly tired enough to sleep. I just keep having nightmares and I had the urge to drown myself in my pills lastnight because of it. I just hate that way I feel and I know people don't care and if I were to say yo I feel crummy cus I haven't been sleeping, people would brush it off and tell me "to get over it." I feel truly unhappy because the sporatic sleep I get. It's a really big deal to me. I feel short tempered because of it and people talking to me is pissing me off. I don't like that I am a grump today but I can't seem to pull in those feelings of disgruntled resentment.

I haven't seen Phil as much this week and it makes me a little sad. I really thought things were going somewhere. I am still taking my meds religiously but it doesn't seem to be helping some days and helping a lot others days or perhaps I jsut have better days and worse days period. Thankfully volleyball starts this week and reffing too so that will keep me busy. I did get all my homework done this weekend so that is good but I still feel stressed for some reason. Not sure why. Pdoc doesn't want to adjust my beta blocker since we are tweaking the risperdal but I think it might be necessary cus I still feel stressed and my heart continues to race. Sigh. Sometimes I think life is an uphill battle that never ends.

I feel gooooood...

I was tired yesterday around 6pm so I told myself I was going to take a nap...I woke up at 10:30pm. Ya, I tend to sleep a lot. Dang. Then I was up for about an hour, took my pills, then went back to a listless sleep til 9am. I had nightmares and felt sort of in between sleep and consciousness most of the time. I heard a voice that wasn't there the other day and it freaked me out but pdoc doesn't seem so concerned so I am trying to not feel crazy. I feel ok despite the lack of restful sleep which is odd because I used to get all distraught about it and have a whole bad day ahead when that happened. Guess the meds really are stablizing my mood. That's a good thing.

I have been spending the morning doing homework and getting a lot done which is helping me stay calm. I like being on top of stuff. I don't like feeling behind or like I am rushed because of procrastination. Phil hasn't been around the last few days because we both are busy doing homework that just keeps coming. He has been exhausted lately. Poor guy. Guess he really isn't getting enough sleep. He deserves a good massage or two.

I really do feel like I have a stable handle on life and it FEELS GOOD! I am shocked that all it took was a mood stablizer and a beta blocker. I knew those AD were fucking me over! I don't even know what to do with this new person I feel I am. Hmmmm...go hiking? Fix my crippled bike? Can't find the right hex wrench though, darn it! I'm off to the gym soon to feel good over there!

A rough patch in my recovery

Been trying to figure out if something has triggered the last two days of bad nights and the only thing I see in common is the flipping door to my room that doesn't latch and opens in the middle of the night or when a roomie leaves for class early in the morning at like 7am. For me I wake up instantly to something like that with my heart racing and freaking out that someone is in my room. It really scares me and takes a while to calm down from. I went to bed at a descent hour lastnight but at 8:30 when I left for class it was as if I had never slept. I was so tired that it has taken til about half an hour ago to finally feel awake. I just am not getting enough sleep and this is frustrating to me because I am working really hard to do well in school and personal goals.

Today especially I notice myself rather emotionless but present. I am wondering if this is meds induced. I felt very present in my psych classes today but was bored and rather uninterested. I was more apathetic than anything. I used to feel passion about things and now I only feel the shadow of what used to be what I felt. I know it's still there but it has been buried far below the surface. I FEEL MEDICATED now. I don't want to live my life as a shadow of the person I once was. On the other hand I want to live and the meds are making that happen at the moment. I kind of like the feeling of being on drugs but I know that isn't a good thing.

So I've been gaining weight on the Risperdal and I am totally utterly depressed about it. I feel so sick to my stomach to even think that I have gained weight despite running my exercise routine into the ground. I just feel hungry and it's hard not to give in to that. Ugh. I'm almost too depressed to care. I am jsut trying to eat less and exercise more. Sigh. I feel disgusting.

Nightmares

Night terrors. Not something I relish the thought of as I go to bed. I think since I am on the meds now it is almost worse when I actually do have the night terrors because I feel so sluggish and tired that I always seem to be paralyzed in fear. I just hate them and it makes me want to go sleepless for days. The little kid in me seems to think that their is still real danger and if only I could get to a safely locked place then it would drag out the enemies time getting to me, not that locks ever did much as a kid. Sigh. I don't think I will ever feel completely safe. Sometimes I want to call someone in those moments of absolute panic but I know no one would get it and it would be annoying and well I am done involving people in this BS now. I know it's my biz and I jsut sort of swallow it and pretend that I am tough.

I guess it's really a facade though. I know I'm not tough. A tough person would not fear things the way I do. When I'm with Phil I know I'm safe. I guess it's that kind os safe feeling that I am so drawn to. Not that his 6'4" build isn't intimidating but I think it's the measure of protectiveness that he shows of me that really gets me. Phil and I used to call each other in the middle of the night when we couldn't sleep. I know that he probably has the same thing going on because of the abuse he endured as a kid but he never says that that is why he calls. I am ok with that. I don't want to make him recount things. I know how painful that is. I just feel good knowing he will call me and talk to me if he feels unsafe. I feel like it is really a blessing to have someone in your life that gets you and really isn't afraid of anything about you.

I wake up and every single muscle in my body aches because I have been tightening them and flexing them in my sleep during a nightmare. I just shake like a leaf and wonder why it is I can't be man enough to just get over this stupidity and stop being a wuss long enough to get a good night's sleep. The knowledge that no one else is going to be there for me the way I need is sort of a freeing one now. I just do my own thing and take whatever comes as it comes and if I make it another day then I know it's cus of me and not some sad excuse for help.