We All Fall Down
Diamond Rio
She says, you know the monkey bar rules
As she kisses away his playground bruise
You don’t have to skip a bar each time
To make it to the other side
She picked him up from out of the sand
Then tied the shoelace that read, superman
Chorus
We all fall down
It’s the gettin’ back up that really counts
We live and we learn
To help someone up when it’s their turn
In life there’s only one guarantee
Your feet won’t always be on the ground
‘cause we all fall down
She says I know what you’re goin’ through
As she talks to the door of her daughter’s room
Your heart feels like it’s broken in two
But, baby, I’m here for you
The door opened and she stepped inside
She put her arms around her and said, it’s ok to cry
Repeat chorus
He’s forty-five and his job is gone
Cleans out his desk and he heads on home
Sees his kids out playin’ in the yard
It’s been a while since he’s been hit so hard
He’s as scared as a man can be
He tells his wife and she says, honey, look at me
Repeat chorus
We all fall down
But you got to get back up
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
A fire
Devastating house fire due to suspected fireworks on my parents' street in Tualatin, Oregon. House completely destroyed while family was at church. Neighbor's started the fire and it spread to neighbors. Glad my family is ok and the fire didn't spread to their home, mostly because they are already struggling in so many ways. It makes me feel for my neighbors though especially because they are good god fearing people. There was an old man unaccounted for but later found. I hate devastating things like this. I don't like talking about death and loss. It strikes an all too familiar cord with me. It was only a few months ago that I went to Dave's funeral. Loss sucks. Losing one's home...I can't imagine. Reminds me how good people are so tried. People try hard to be wonderful and things like this happen. Makes me a little bitter.
Family
I was laying here and suddenly I could taste the cigarette residue enveloping my mouth. The musty chalky taste filling every taste bud and space of my nose. The whole thing was straight out of a dream. I felt like I was truly tasting ans smelling and covered in nicotine and smoke flavor. Goooooooood stuff. Man sometimes those addictions sneak up on you all hardcore and intense and BAM! you feel so tempted to erase however long you have gone without them. I have had many slips in my sobriety when I finally realized I needed to quit. I guess it just wasn't realistic to think I could quit on a whim or cold turkey. I feel on the verge of another slip and the only thin holding me back is my desire to stay in school. Without that...I don't know where I would be. Coming to college is what saved my life in the first place.
I know I should take credit for my sobriety but coming to a college where I knew I would get kicked out if I got caught, made me get sober fast. I have a high priority on living an honest life. None of us are perfect but it is important to me to live as close to completely honest as possible. I lie sometimes. Hell ask me how that dress looks and I will say good unless it really does look fabulous in which case I am likely to say wowzers! I just find it easier to lie sometimes. Like when you ask me how I am doing sometimes it is just better to say fine then have to explain how some stupid thing said three years ago is still eating away at my self confidence.
I have been thinking about family a lot lately. I have been reflecting on my own family a lot. I love my family. I know we are broken and torn apart but deep down there is a glue that holds the pieces of us together and that can't be ripped. Sometimes I think it has been, but it's there still. I feel betrayed by my parents for allowing porn in our home growing up but there comes a point when I look back and see that they did the best they could with what they had at the time. Knowing that they wanted to do what is right but somehow just failed, came up short, I can look at them with compassion and allow them that second chance, even if it comes in pieces.
I know that my parents failed as parents but I am willing to let them try to be my friend on an equal level as I have become an adult. I am slowly letting them earn some trust and respect here and there. I want them to be better. I want my dad to learn to control his temper and rage. I would like to see them go to marriage counseling instead of giving up. The giving up is what hurts the most. Seeing your parents just give up on their marriage is hard.
I think my parents have hit their 30th wedding anniversary now and after so long it seems such a horrible nightmare for it all to go away. Sometimes I think they are trying to save the marriage by going on dates and such but then they go back to their old ways and I feel so deep a sadness for them. I want a lifelong companion and yet they have one but have chosen to just give up on the relationship.
I think that marriage should be about love but I think it isn't because that is unrealistic. It is a contract. At some point in marriage there comes a point where you feel no positive regard for your spouse and what you choose to do in that moment defines you as a person as well as sets the precedent for the rest of your married life. Those who decide to serve their spouse even when they find they have lost feeling show their commitment, loyalty, and integrity. Those who choose to live as roommates, get divorced, or fight continually have shown that they do not fully understand those same three things.
Marriage teaches us to learn to love. We grow closer as the years go by, not that we find ourselves in the deepest place of love at the beginning and only maintain that love for the entirety of the marriage. You embark on a journey when you get married and then you change and grow. It only makes sense that the love would do the same: change and grow. That doesn't mean it doesn't fluctuate at times and go down, but it goes back up too.
Sometimes I feel like I have been given some endless ability to care about other people. I used to assume everyone felt that way I do about people but I have learned over the last 5 or whatever years that that is so far from the truth. First I learned that even though my brother is my brother he would sell me out in a heart beat if it meant no jail time for him. Second, I learned that selfishness comes number one in most people. I learned that through Dani the most but many people showed me the ropes on that one. It only takes looking in people's eyes to see that they look no farther than their own. Ok, I have to say right here that there are some key exceptions to a lot of the pessimism I feel about people.
As far as exceptions, my grandmother will always be a caring and compassionate woman in my heart. She volunteers at a thrift store as their accountant and has been doing it for years. I have seen the service she provides her community and have been in awe of her selflessness. If I could be more like her, I would be a better person. My grandmother has written me letters long and short of the years and through doing so has exhibited her ability to look beyond her own world. When I was a kid and my grandparents ran the alcohol stores I learned that my grandparents are no stranger to hard work and I realized how honest they are. I have always been impressed with my grandmother's integrity. The woman would still be the same in the dark of night when no one could see her. It is ingrained in the very fabric of her DNA to be honest.
Besides my grandmother a few people have shown they are good people. My grandfather is one. I sometimes wonder how my mother came from such good stock and somehow chose my father to marry. Odd thing to do. Of course my grandparents disapprove of him. He he. Good people.
So, family. The Luiz clan is pretty tight and always has been. I may have had parents who didn't parent but I have always had amazing aunts, grandparents, and cousins. Mom's side of the family might be drinkers and smoke weed but they are good, decent people. Every summer I went to stay with them all I felt that it was a shelter from the storm of life and home. I have never doubted the love they feel for me and I have always loved them in return. They are near and dear to my heart.
Sometimes I wonder what I will do in the future, whether I will have a family of my own. I think that having children would bring me great joy but it's the married part that kinda gets me. I mean struggling with what I do I guess I just would hate to see a man not be happy in marriage. I have seen my father so unhappy in his marriage for so long that I could not possibly watch that in my own spouse. Guess I am just reflecting a lot on family lately and what mine means to me.
Family can be friends we are stuck with and I just hope mine somehow works things out to the point that we can be friends and not just stuck.
I know I should take credit for my sobriety but coming to a college where I knew I would get kicked out if I got caught, made me get sober fast. I have a high priority on living an honest life. None of us are perfect but it is important to me to live as close to completely honest as possible. I lie sometimes. Hell ask me how that dress looks and I will say good unless it really does look fabulous in which case I am likely to say wowzers! I just find it easier to lie sometimes. Like when you ask me how I am doing sometimes it is just better to say fine then have to explain how some stupid thing said three years ago is still eating away at my self confidence.
I have been thinking about family a lot lately. I have been reflecting on my own family a lot. I love my family. I know we are broken and torn apart but deep down there is a glue that holds the pieces of us together and that can't be ripped. Sometimes I think it has been, but it's there still. I feel betrayed by my parents for allowing porn in our home growing up but there comes a point when I look back and see that they did the best they could with what they had at the time. Knowing that they wanted to do what is right but somehow just failed, came up short, I can look at them with compassion and allow them that second chance, even if it comes in pieces.
I know that my parents failed as parents but I am willing to let them try to be my friend on an equal level as I have become an adult. I am slowly letting them earn some trust and respect here and there. I want them to be better. I want my dad to learn to control his temper and rage. I would like to see them go to marriage counseling instead of giving up. The giving up is what hurts the most. Seeing your parents just give up on their marriage is hard.
I think my parents have hit their 30th wedding anniversary now and after so long it seems such a horrible nightmare for it all to go away. Sometimes I think they are trying to save the marriage by going on dates and such but then they go back to their old ways and I feel so deep a sadness for them. I want a lifelong companion and yet they have one but have chosen to just give up on the relationship.
I think that marriage should be about love but I think it isn't because that is unrealistic. It is a contract. At some point in marriage there comes a point where you feel no positive regard for your spouse and what you choose to do in that moment defines you as a person as well as sets the precedent for the rest of your married life. Those who decide to serve their spouse even when they find they have lost feeling show their commitment, loyalty, and integrity. Those who choose to live as roommates, get divorced, or fight continually have shown that they do not fully understand those same three things.
Marriage teaches us to learn to love. We grow closer as the years go by, not that we find ourselves in the deepest place of love at the beginning and only maintain that love for the entirety of the marriage. You embark on a journey when you get married and then you change and grow. It only makes sense that the love would do the same: change and grow. That doesn't mean it doesn't fluctuate at times and go down, but it goes back up too.
Sometimes I feel like I have been given some endless ability to care about other people. I used to assume everyone felt that way I do about people but I have learned over the last 5 or whatever years that that is so far from the truth. First I learned that even though my brother is my brother he would sell me out in a heart beat if it meant no jail time for him. Second, I learned that selfishness comes number one in most people. I learned that through Dani the most but many people showed me the ropes on that one. It only takes looking in people's eyes to see that they look no farther than their own. Ok, I have to say right here that there are some key exceptions to a lot of the pessimism I feel about people.
As far as exceptions, my grandmother will always be a caring and compassionate woman in my heart. She volunteers at a thrift store as their accountant and has been doing it for years. I have seen the service she provides her community and have been in awe of her selflessness. If I could be more like her, I would be a better person. My grandmother has written me letters long and short of the years and through doing so has exhibited her ability to look beyond her own world. When I was a kid and my grandparents ran the alcohol stores I learned that my grandparents are no stranger to hard work and I realized how honest they are. I have always been impressed with my grandmother's integrity. The woman would still be the same in the dark of night when no one could see her. It is ingrained in the very fabric of her DNA to be honest.
Besides my grandmother a few people have shown they are good people. My grandfather is one. I sometimes wonder how my mother came from such good stock and somehow chose my father to marry. Odd thing to do. Of course my grandparents disapprove of him. He he. Good people.
So, family. The Luiz clan is pretty tight and always has been. I may have had parents who didn't parent but I have always had amazing aunts, grandparents, and cousins. Mom's side of the family might be drinkers and smoke weed but they are good, decent people. Every summer I went to stay with them all I felt that it was a shelter from the storm of life and home. I have never doubted the love they feel for me and I have always loved them in return. They are near and dear to my heart.
Sometimes I wonder what I will do in the future, whether I will have a family of my own. I think that having children would bring me great joy but it's the married part that kinda gets me. I mean struggling with what I do I guess I just would hate to see a man not be happy in marriage. I have seen my father so unhappy in his marriage for so long that I could not possibly watch that in my own spouse. Guess I am just reflecting a lot on family lately and what mine means to me.
Family can be friends we are stuck with and I just hope mine somehow works things out to the point that we can be friends and not just stuck.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Put the lime in my coconut
People will tell you that only two things are certain in life: death and taxes. But oh be wise my friends for I must warn you of a third certainty in life: men will always be pigs. Sorry folks but the news flash is out. No more secrets. No more men trying to convince women that they idolize them only to degrade them after watching porno five seconds later. Women everywhere: do not be fooled. What could I possibly say more? If I was to give one piece of advice and only one it would be that: do not be fooled by men. If you choose to marry one of these pigs you are doing it knowingly and purposefully. Just saying. No complaining since I have now warned ya'll.
On a slightly differing topic; I have decided that I would rather be bald then deal with my hair for one more second. Seriously. I mean think about it. All that wasted time shampooing the stuff? Such a lot of money per year. I wish someone would figure it out so I could hold in my hand the evidence that points to the obvious: go bald. Seriously. Or atleast get a mohawk. I mean if given the choice between this current mess of things and the mohawk I would be all over that sexy mohawk. But...sadly it would be against the dress code, blah, blah, blah. Dang it.
I think I should take a vote amongst friends. Those in favor of me getting a mohawk say aye. Oh boy. I hear the overwhelming ayes. Or are those the voices that whisper constantly in my head. I forget. So anyway looks like I am transferring to another college and getting a mohawk.
A person can dream, right?
I sure am sick of hair though. Seems like I spend a lot of time and energy trying to make it look good. Dang straighteners and blow dryers and protecting cream and brushing it all the time. And...I'm losing my hair anyway so why the freak not make it awesome?!? Just a thought.
ADD. Please excuse. Mind wanders.
So I was thinking tonight, while staring off into space, how am I doing after a few days of NTMM? And the thought that came to me was this; "All my body parts are intact, I seem to be feeling emotion in an acceptable range, and I don't feel TOTALLY suicidal so...guess I am ok. Think I'm a little fuzzy on the edges though." My assessment of the situation is to continue the process and tackle life the way it was meant to be tackled...with feeling.
Oh and I am a cherry...guess I have gotten too little sun the last two years...I am a white white girl. Wish those lazy days on high school were back. I used to lay out and get the most golden tans all summer long and I had all the time and energy and emotion to work out 24/7. Oh the days of the past. Wish they would come back. Now I just attempt not to stress out too hard core about school while sipping the one thing that calms me down these days beside the tranquilizers: diet coke.
Since NTMM recently, I have noticed I am sleeping a lot less. I lay restless in bed for hours and even when I sleep it is never the deep penetrating sleep that I used to have OTM. I am waking up again with panic attacks. I don't want to admit that it is happening but it is. I just can't stand not to have emotion and to gain weight and to sleep so deep I miss classes. Guess I just feel like it's time to stretch those wings. Not like therapy helps so why even bother fixating on my issues anymore? I might as well stop thinking about the past. It's done. Shit happened, but it's done. Time to man up and move forward. A small part of me still needs a moment of silence to mourn the loss of those years though.
On a slightly differing topic; I have decided that I would rather be bald then deal with my hair for one more second. Seriously. I mean think about it. All that wasted time shampooing the stuff? Such a lot of money per year. I wish someone would figure it out so I could hold in my hand the evidence that points to the obvious: go bald. Seriously. Or atleast get a mohawk. I mean if given the choice between this current mess of things and the mohawk I would be all over that sexy mohawk. But...sadly it would be against the dress code, blah, blah, blah. Dang it.
I think I should take a vote amongst friends. Those in favor of me getting a mohawk say aye. Oh boy. I hear the overwhelming ayes. Or are those the voices that whisper constantly in my head. I forget. So anyway looks like I am transferring to another college and getting a mohawk.
A person can dream, right?
I sure am sick of hair though. Seems like I spend a lot of time and energy trying to make it look good. Dang straighteners and blow dryers and protecting cream and brushing it all the time. And...I'm losing my hair anyway so why the freak not make it awesome?!? Just a thought.
ADD. Please excuse. Mind wanders.
So I was thinking tonight, while staring off into space, how am I doing after a few days of NTMM? And the thought that came to me was this; "All my body parts are intact, I seem to be feeling emotion in an acceptable range, and I don't feel TOTALLY suicidal so...guess I am ok. Think I'm a little fuzzy on the edges though." My assessment of the situation is to continue the process and tackle life the way it was meant to be tackled...with feeling.
Oh and I am a cherry...guess I have gotten too little sun the last two years...I am a white white girl. Wish those lazy days on high school were back. I used to lay out and get the most golden tans all summer long and I had all the time and energy and emotion to work out 24/7. Oh the days of the past. Wish they would come back. Now I just attempt not to stress out too hard core about school while sipping the one thing that calms me down these days beside the tranquilizers: diet coke.
Since NTMM recently, I have noticed I am sleeping a lot less. I lay restless in bed for hours and even when I sleep it is never the deep penetrating sleep that I used to have OTM. I am waking up again with panic attacks. I don't want to admit that it is happening but it is. I just can't stand not to have emotion and to gain weight and to sleep so deep I miss classes. Guess I just feel like it's time to stretch those wings. Not like therapy helps so why even bother fixating on my issues anymore? I might as well stop thinking about the past. It's done. Shit happened, but it's done. Time to man up and move forward. A small part of me still needs a moment of silence to mourn the loss of those years though.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Panic comes upon you in a rush
A deep ache. A grasping-my-heart kind of throb. A tightening in the chest. A blow in the ribs. Forget deep breathing. Barely getting breathe out of the lungs. Not enough oxygen. Complete tenseness and flexing of the muscles in the shoulders and upper back. Cold sweaty hands. Numb feet and hands, traveling up the calves and forearms. A beating head. This is what a panic attack feels like, for me. Flashbacks.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
If each struggle is a journey today was a three day hike up a vertical mountain slope
I snapped. I tried not to. I strove to hold on. I held out for a longer time than in a long while but in the end; yes, I failed. I tried with all my might not to let seeing Rachel get to me so I shoved the thoughts out after writing but here I am not feeling so swell. I got through class, barely holding on. I did ok after that but then sometime in the evening something shifted and I fought to hang on. Then when I started to bring my volleyball team down I couldn't take it anymore.
Yesterday I QTMM which is kinda shush shush. I guess the part that pushed me towards that repeated path was MGW. I just hate that. I don't want to be one of those people in others' lives that in always in crisis or always coming to them for help so I am trying to do things on my own. I just don't ever want to be a burden the way I am to my family.
I guess what set me off initially today was Rachel but then at volleyball I just kept missing the digs and passing horribly and it torn me up. I hate off days. I get them maybe once a month and today just happened to be this one. If Tiff wasn't such a phenomenal player I coulda probably put myself in check but I lost control. I felt so outraged at myself for messing everything up and then I started getting mad at other people too. I try to maintain my cool and this time I did, but internally I felt like a volcano waiting to erupt. I don't like getting mad. I detest the very idea. I have always felt that anger and feeling it made me like my father.
I try to be more than my father is and was. I try in all I do to be better. I fail sometimes. Right now this blinding headache is a bad thing. I have been feeding off pain all day. I suppose I try to hide that sort of thing from people. Truth is, when I hit my fist against the stove on accident, I stood there soaking up the pain and it was calming. I know this is a bad sign because this means the SI is back. I can't afford to hurt myself anymore. I can't afford to let on to how I feel inside. It just isn't acceptable to me or anyone else. But a small part has crept back in and decided that SI is only a step away. Oh boy. Gotta hold it at bay.
I suppose GOMM has something to do with the sudden reappearance of the thoughts but I can't stand the other things happening so I keep on. Because what else am I to do?
I have been staying away from dbsa and haven't been to a tdoc in some time now and I feel like I am not even sure how I am doing but in some way not having someone to remind me of my MI I somehow seem to suck it up better. Isn't that what everyone wants me to do? Suck it up? Tough it out? Get over it? Etc.
I don't even know why I am writing. It seems almost a mute point to say that I am doing poorly. I just feel like crying. Guess maybe the NTMM thing is doing a repeat. Do I care? Not quite sure. As I sit here I jsut keep listening to The Climb and try to keep my chin up. Sometimes I wonder what else I can do but cry through the night and still keep treading water. I may not be making progress but I am not allowing myself to slip backwards either. I won't let my life slip through my hands once again. I WILL NOT drink anymore and I will not give in to my pain meds addiction nor will I smoke weed or use any other rec drug or heavy drug. I will make it through. I will be stronger than the sum of my life's journey. I HAVE TO be more than the suffering and I HAVE TO be above failure. I have to. I just have to. Without that determination and hope I am nothing and will fall so far I may never come back.
Later...
In some ways I have found my own struggles insignificant against others'. I have recently come face to face with several people I am in awe of. I am struck by their resilience. When people treat you like trash and you come back as a compassionate, sensitive, and determined person, it is amazing to me.
I can't take away their pain though and that causes me great internal conflict but I choose to feel that discomfort so that they might not be alone. It is my choice to feel pain. I choose to take a walk in their shoes and realize what life for them is like. It is hard for me to stay present for long in listening to hard things but I have recently stayed extremely present amid my own internal struggle.
Being there for others and listening helps me re-focus my life. I am reminded of how small my problems are in comparison. I am humbled by the experiences. It helps me to have the chance to step into someone else's shoes and really feel empathy for them. I wonder if people every do that when I talk.
Yesterday I QTMM which is kinda shush shush. I guess the part that pushed me towards that repeated path was MGW. I just hate that. I don't want to be one of those people in others' lives that in always in crisis or always coming to them for help so I am trying to do things on my own. I just don't ever want to be a burden the way I am to my family.
I guess what set me off initially today was Rachel but then at volleyball I just kept missing the digs and passing horribly and it torn me up. I hate off days. I get them maybe once a month and today just happened to be this one. If Tiff wasn't such a phenomenal player I coulda probably put myself in check but I lost control. I felt so outraged at myself for messing everything up and then I started getting mad at other people too. I try to maintain my cool and this time I did, but internally I felt like a volcano waiting to erupt. I don't like getting mad. I detest the very idea. I have always felt that anger and feeling it made me like my father.
I try to be more than my father is and was. I try in all I do to be better. I fail sometimes. Right now this blinding headache is a bad thing. I have been feeding off pain all day. I suppose I try to hide that sort of thing from people. Truth is, when I hit my fist against the stove on accident, I stood there soaking up the pain and it was calming. I know this is a bad sign because this means the SI is back. I can't afford to hurt myself anymore. I can't afford to let on to how I feel inside. It just isn't acceptable to me or anyone else. But a small part has crept back in and decided that SI is only a step away. Oh boy. Gotta hold it at bay.
I suppose GOMM has something to do with the sudden reappearance of the thoughts but I can't stand the other things happening so I keep on. Because what else am I to do?
I have been staying away from dbsa and haven't been to a tdoc in some time now and I feel like I am not even sure how I am doing but in some way not having someone to remind me of my MI I somehow seem to suck it up better. Isn't that what everyone wants me to do? Suck it up? Tough it out? Get over it? Etc.
I don't even know why I am writing. It seems almost a mute point to say that I am doing poorly. I just feel like crying. Guess maybe the NTMM thing is doing a repeat. Do I care? Not quite sure. As I sit here I jsut keep listening to The Climb and try to keep my chin up. Sometimes I wonder what else I can do but cry through the night and still keep treading water. I may not be making progress but I am not allowing myself to slip backwards either. I won't let my life slip through my hands once again. I WILL NOT drink anymore and I will not give in to my pain meds addiction nor will I smoke weed or use any other rec drug or heavy drug. I will make it through. I will be stronger than the sum of my life's journey. I HAVE TO be more than the suffering and I HAVE TO be above failure. I have to. I just have to. Without that determination and hope I am nothing and will fall so far I may never come back.
Later...
In some ways I have found my own struggles insignificant against others'. I have recently come face to face with several people I am in awe of. I am struck by their resilience. When people treat you like trash and you come back as a compassionate, sensitive, and determined person, it is amazing to me.
I can't take away their pain though and that causes me great internal conflict but I choose to feel that discomfort so that they might not be alone. It is my choice to feel pain. I choose to take a walk in their shoes and realize what life for them is like. It is hard for me to stay present for long in listening to hard things but I have recently stayed extremely present amid my own internal struggle.
Being there for others and listening helps me re-focus my life. I am reminded of how small my problems are in comparison. I am humbled by the experiences. It helps me to have the chance to step into someone else's shoes and really feel empathy for them. I wonder if people every do that when I talk.
Rachel...
I saw Rachel this morning. There I was, riding my bike out of Autumn Winds and she walked in front of my bike. In all her glory. Tight jeans and nose so high in the air that she did not even recognize me; I'm pretty sure. That strawberry blonde hair would be recognizable to me anywhere even with her big black sunglasses. OH what flashbacks.
I am brought back to days so hot that my light blue jeans stuck to my calves. I am brought back to summer afternoons with Mindy. It all came back in a flood of emotion and feeling. I was thrown back in time to arguments with Rachel over dishes and over phones. Suddenly with the wind blowing gently across my dry face I remember it all. I am swirling in flashbacks and all I can think is how often Rachel's hurtful words have spun across my mind in doubting moments.
Rachel made me question my sanity more than any one person ever has. I have never been so insulting nor so attacked. I am brought back to my leg injury, the crutches, and her shoving me. I can't even believe that someone is that evil. I never thought anyone could be worse than my dad. I was wrong. I don't know that anyone has ever thrown apart the very threads that cover my pride the way Rachel did. I never did tell anyone the extent of what happened when I lived with her.
Even hearing Rachel Vermillion's name float around in my head has made me nauseated. Then, walking back from class I see her. She lives at Camden. To think I almost lived there this semester. I knew that God curved my path towards Autumn Winds for a reason but I could never have imagined that that was why. I thought I lived here for quite a different reason. Interesting.
I haven't seen Rachel since last October. I find myself drifting back to those days. I was in school last summer and yet I was drinking. I hate to give her royal snottiness that credit but I am gonna have to hand her the credit for getting me so wickedly drunk so often. I have never hated someone quite like that. Perhaps this is evil of me but really after you live with someone like that you realize just how messed up some people are. I had never lived with someone with a personality disorder til I lived with her. I always had been curious what people with narcissistic personality disorder were like. Now I know. I hope she never gets her psychology degree. It would be such a shame to have more messed up psychologists around.
I am brought back to days so hot that my light blue jeans stuck to my calves. I am brought back to summer afternoons with Mindy. It all came back in a flood of emotion and feeling. I was thrown back in time to arguments with Rachel over dishes and over phones. Suddenly with the wind blowing gently across my dry face I remember it all. I am swirling in flashbacks and all I can think is how often Rachel's hurtful words have spun across my mind in doubting moments.
Rachel made me question my sanity more than any one person ever has. I have never been so insulting nor so attacked. I am brought back to my leg injury, the crutches, and her shoving me. I can't even believe that someone is that evil. I never thought anyone could be worse than my dad. I was wrong. I don't know that anyone has ever thrown apart the very threads that cover my pride the way Rachel did. I never did tell anyone the extent of what happened when I lived with her.
Even hearing Rachel Vermillion's name float around in my head has made me nauseated. Then, walking back from class I see her. She lives at Camden. To think I almost lived there this semester. I knew that God curved my path towards Autumn Winds for a reason but I could never have imagined that that was why. I thought I lived here for quite a different reason. Interesting.
I haven't seen Rachel since last October. I find myself drifting back to those days. I was in school last summer and yet I was drinking. I hate to give her royal snottiness that credit but I am gonna have to hand her the credit for getting me so wickedly drunk so often. I have never hated someone quite like that. Perhaps this is evil of me but really after you live with someone like that you realize just how messed up some people are. I had never lived with someone with a personality disorder til I lived with her. I always had been curious what people with narcissistic personality disorder were like. Now I know. I hope she never gets her psychology degree. It would be such a shame to have more messed up psychologists around.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Jumble of Cogs Spinning out of Control
I keep trying to read my book (CBT for PTSD;the clinical approach) but I am getting brain overload like every page. So then I switch to The Divine Center (via Tiffany) but that book yeilds the same exactl results. I wonder; what is wrong with me? I used to read all the flippin time!
Oh so btw I have decided that The Cleaner is my new favorite tv show. It pretty much hanks my heart strings. Why do tv shows like that do that? In Plain Sight is the only other tv show that seems to do that to the same extent. Somehow the PTSD in the show hits my core. Something about relating. The Cleaner just reminds me how far I have gone and how far down I can go again if I mess up my cleanness and sobriety.
Anyone else notice how good I look in my new pink shirt? J/k.
Got the inevitable email from Jenna. Guess I was right. I didn't want to be right though. I didn't want her to deny me but hey you know she woulda brought it up a long time ago if it really was an option, right? Now I am totally on my own. I wonder why I feel so calm. I should be freaking out but somehow I feel like I have permission to do whatever the F I want now that I have no therapist to monitor me and my ptsd/dp. Really, I just want to get wickedly wasted. If only I could cue those halucinations and relive some drunken moments. Not that I really want to be that good looking skank again. I jsut want the drugs and alcohol. Some weed, please? Please? Why do I have to be such an addict? Ah! Ok trying to think of something else, ANYTHING ELSE. How bout food. Nope. Trying not to eat my feelings. I don't digest food at the same rate as Brit so eating my feelings would soon become eating my car.
I've settled on school as a new topic. School. Oh boy. I am totally screwing THAT up. Shiz. I need to take care of biz. Problem is, I feel so stressed that I avoid it altogether. I had plans to go to bed early lastnight cus I knew I was tired. Yup. 14 hours of sleep must count as tired, right? Sigh. I am totally failing out of school. This is so bad. Glad I am transferring back to Portland soon. I really want to get through this semester though and stay for fall. I would love it above all other things. Which brings me back to the Psychology hw I am supposed to be doing right now. Sigh. I hate my life. Sometimes. Right now.
****throw psych book at row of computers opposite me in the library****
Much better.
Oh so btw I have decided that The Cleaner is my new favorite tv show. It pretty much hanks my heart strings. Why do tv shows like that do that? In Plain Sight is the only other tv show that seems to do that to the same extent. Somehow the PTSD in the show hits my core. Something about relating. The Cleaner just reminds me how far I have gone and how far down I can go again if I mess up my cleanness and sobriety.
Anyone else notice how good I look in my new pink shirt? J/k.
Got the inevitable email from Jenna. Guess I was right. I didn't want to be right though. I didn't want her to deny me but hey you know she woulda brought it up a long time ago if it really was an option, right? Now I am totally on my own. I wonder why I feel so calm. I should be freaking out but somehow I feel like I have permission to do whatever the F I want now that I have no therapist to monitor me and my ptsd/dp. Really, I just want to get wickedly wasted. If only I could cue those halucinations and relive some drunken moments. Not that I really want to be that good looking skank again. I jsut want the drugs and alcohol. Some weed, please? Please? Why do I have to be such an addict? Ah! Ok trying to think of something else, ANYTHING ELSE. How bout food. Nope. Trying not to eat my feelings. I don't digest food at the same rate as Brit so eating my feelings would soon become eating my car.
I've settled on school as a new topic. School. Oh boy. I am totally screwing THAT up. Shiz. I need to take care of biz. Problem is, I feel so stressed that I avoid it altogether. I had plans to go to bed early lastnight cus I knew I was tired. Yup. 14 hours of sleep must count as tired, right? Sigh. I am totally failing out of school. This is so bad. Glad I am transferring back to Portland soon. I really want to get through this semester though and stay for fall. I would love it above all other things. Which brings me back to the Psychology hw I am supposed to be doing right now. Sigh. I hate my life. Sometimes. Right now.
****throw psych book at row of computers opposite me in the library****
Much better.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
My trust has been ripped from all things...
Wow. I am so beyond pissed off that I can barely keep myself contained. Sometimes my problem with trust becomes too much of a barrier in my relationships but this is one time where I am almost certain that I am not being crazy. I cannot even begin to describe how violated I feel. I cannot even begin to try and unfold the figurative arms inside myself.
I feel like my jaw has re-tightened and all the parts of my body want to draw close. I don't like feeling this raw and open to the world at such a vulnerable time. I wish I had not let myself become this way. I regret it right now because it is leaving me so angry I can't even slow my breathing. I don't get this way often but congratulations someone pushed just the right fucking button.
I wish I could say I forgive easily and that this will go away but I know myself well enough to know that this is not going to go away and I am not going to trust this person again. It's too bad too; I was making progress. Actually, I believe this is a fault of mine; opening up and then not knowing where to draw the line in the sand. I have no idea how to pull back once I have been exposed. This is a problem for me.
I cannot ever confront this person irl so here I am trying with all my might to somehow swallow this and make it all go away. I know I am not stable on the meds again yet and perhaps that instability is getting me here but I am ready to go off them again or simply OD. WTF?! This is so messed up. I can't even see the beginning of when I first started feeling this way except to see that somehow this isn't going away and I am ready to shut the front door and shut everyone out. This is how I recooperate; dissociate the world away and shut it all out. The world has never been a safe place and now I am reminded of this is a shot-to-the-gut kind of way.
I am not even sure what is real half the time. I know my pdoc was all about telling me I am sane and it's totally normal for people to halucinate but this may be a little much. I am not even sure that I am halucinating because how in the freak would a person know such a thing?!
All I really am certain of at this point is that I am so far gone that I'm not so sure therapy can bring me back. I just wonder what parts of my life I will have to hide now. There are times in life when you gotta crawl. There are times in life when you gotta fall. But, just how far and how long I have no way of knowing. A part of me feels like I messed up big this time but in the end none of it matters becasue when I stop and focus on life I realize that I don't matter and knowing that I don't matter signifies just how much none of this matters and so I wonder as I write if I ought to even publish any of this.
I don't even know where to turn anymore. I really wish I felt like someone cared but I don't. And right on cue the water works come to say hello and remind me that I am flailing in the wind, falling, without a parachute. But snap! I dissociate and it all goes away, the tears dissapear and I am nothing, feeling nothing. How is it that I do that? I jsut want to feel some sort of pain to calm the sense of nothingness I feel. Not what I would call an ideal way to cope but wtf am I to do anymore? Ten years of therapy and meds and all for what? To land right back in this place. A place where no dream could ever come true and no hope could ever find a place to be justified.
With no tdoc and no really sense of what is going on for me I feel rather hopeless. I wish that my parents would help me out and help me pay for a therapist but to them this is all something I ought to "get over" or "snap out of" and since I can't do that I am left with thoughts of suicide, almost too real to have not already happened.
I feel like my jaw has re-tightened and all the parts of my body want to draw close. I don't like feeling this raw and open to the world at such a vulnerable time. I wish I had not let myself become this way. I regret it right now because it is leaving me so angry I can't even slow my breathing. I don't get this way often but congratulations someone pushed just the right fucking button.
I wish I could say I forgive easily and that this will go away but I know myself well enough to know that this is not going to go away and I am not going to trust this person again. It's too bad too; I was making progress. Actually, I believe this is a fault of mine; opening up and then not knowing where to draw the line in the sand. I have no idea how to pull back once I have been exposed. This is a problem for me.
I cannot ever confront this person irl so here I am trying with all my might to somehow swallow this and make it all go away. I know I am not stable on the meds again yet and perhaps that instability is getting me here but I am ready to go off them again or simply OD. WTF?! This is so messed up. I can't even see the beginning of when I first started feeling this way except to see that somehow this isn't going away and I am ready to shut the front door and shut everyone out. This is how I recooperate; dissociate the world away and shut it all out. The world has never been a safe place and now I am reminded of this is a shot-to-the-gut kind of way.
I am not even sure what is real half the time. I know my pdoc was all about telling me I am sane and it's totally normal for people to halucinate but this may be a little much. I am not even sure that I am halucinating because how in the freak would a person know such a thing?!
All I really am certain of at this point is that I am so far gone that I'm not so sure therapy can bring me back. I just wonder what parts of my life I will have to hide now. There are times in life when you gotta crawl. There are times in life when you gotta fall. But, just how far and how long I have no way of knowing. A part of me feels like I messed up big this time but in the end none of it matters becasue when I stop and focus on life I realize that I don't matter and knowing that I don't matter signifies just how much none of this matters and so I wonder as I write if I ought to even publish any of this.
I don't even know where to turn anymore. I really wish I felt like someone cared but I don't. And right on cue the water works come to say hello and remind me that I am flailing in the wind, falling, without a parachute. But snap! I dissociate and it all goes away, the tears dissapear and I am nothing, feeling nothing. How is it that I do that? I jsut want to feel some sort of pain to calm the sense of nothingness I feel. Not what I would call an ideal way to cope but wtf am I to do anymore? Ten years of therapy and meds and all for what? To land right back in this place. A place where no dream could ever come true and no hope could ever find a place to be justified.
With no tdoc and no really sense of what is going on for me I feel rather hopeless. I wish that my parents would help me out and help me pay for a therapist but to them this is all something I ought to "get over" or "snap out of" and since I can't do that I am left with thoughts of suicide, almost too real to have not already happened.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Experiment diagnosis
Experiment over.
I need my meds.
What a mistake.
Back on my crutches. I hate that I need them and somehow that accident that led me to going off them seemed so small and inconsequental and really it happened through a series of subconscious events. Still not sure what I was thinking of feeling but now I guess I see that I really do need the meds. Tip of the hat to Brit for the logic that showed me that really I am retarded for even considering going off them. I went from sort of handling things to not at all handling things and nearly taking my own life. I don't really think that, that was chance that those things happened at once.
I don't feel much of anything today but I am trying to hold on to that reasoning that I really do need my meds and hoping it is temporary so that I can deal with all my issues. I wish I was back in Portland and could see Jenna.
I can't believe how affected I am by the whole thing with Dan and not being allowed to attend group. I feel devastated by it. I feel this close to quitting school and heading home. I know people don't get how debilatating my depression can be and I wish I could show them but it's enough that I know I need help and am not getting it. Time to really fight for my health I guess.
I've been trying to hide from people just how not ok I am but seems it is still showing through in some ways. I don't mind people knowing but a part of me does care. I just hate feeling see through and readable at times. Sadly, most times when people notice they say nothing at all anyway. I hate that the worst.
I told Mamie I needed time alone and didn't want to talk to her. I told her I would contact her again when I was ready. I am the kind of person that is uncomfortable with the closeness she felt for me. I don't want anyone to be that attached to me, ever. It felt like she was trying to take care of me way too much and that is a huge turn off. I also broke things off with Liz because really we all know that that friendship was one way and hell I couldn't take it anymore. I am only one person with only so much strength and she sucked every last drop out day in and day out.
To do list accomplishments:
1. Stop eating. Check. Oh but lots of blackouts. Is that a sign or something?
2. Make sure this not eating thing makes me lose weight. Check. Slowly but surely. I'm stoked.
3. Hide this not eating thing from docs. Check. No docs to worry about since I quit seeing them all. Yay, finaly got rid of that baggage.
New list of things to do:
1. Remember daily that I need my meds. Do not skip doses. This has caused catastrophic changes in the past.
2. Run atleast a 15k each week
3. Go to class. This is creating a monumental problem for my previous good grades this semester.
Note to self: What happens if Jenna can't/won't do phone session?
I need my meds.
What a mistake.
Back on my crutches. I hate that I need them and somehow that accident that led me to going off them seemed so small and inconsequental and really it happened through a series of subconscious events. Still not sure what I was thinking of feeling but now I guess I see that I really do need the meds. Tip of the hat to Brit for the logic that showed me that really I am retarded for even considering going off them. I went from sort of handling things to not at all handling things and nearly taking my own life. I don't really think that, that was chance that those things happened at once.
I don't feel much of anything today but I am trying to hold on to that reasoning that I really do need my meds and hoping it is temporary so that I can deal with all my issues. I wish I was back in Portland and could see Jenna.
I can't believe how affected I am by the whole thing with Dan and not being allowed to attend group. I feel devastated by it. I feel this close to quitting school and heading home. I know people don't get how debilatating my depression can be and I wish I could show them but it's enough that I know I need help and am not getting it. Time to really fight for my health I guess.
I've been trying to hide from people just how not ok I am but seems it is still showing through in some ways. I don't mind people knowing but a part of me does care. I just hate feeling see through and readable at times. Sadly, most times when people notice they say nothing at all anyway. I hate that the worst.
I told Mamie I needed time alone and didn't want to talk to her. I told her I would contact her again when I was ready. I am the kind of person that is uncomfortable with the closeness she felt for me. I don't want anyone to be that attached to me, ever. It felt like she was trying to take care of me way too much and that is a huge turn off. I also broke things off with Liz because really we all know that that friendship was one way and hell I couldn't take it anymore. I am only one person with only so much strength and she sucked every last drop out day in and day out.
To do list accomplishments:
1. Stop eating. Check. Oh but lots of blackouts. Is that a sign or something?
2. Make sure this not eating thing makes me lose weight. Check. Slowly but surely. I'm stoked.
3. Hide this not eating thing from docs. Check. No docs to worry about since I quit seeing them all. Yay, finaly got rid of that baggage.
New list of things to do:
1. Remember daily that I need my meds. Do not skip doses. This has caused catastrophic changes in the past.
2. Run atleast a 15k each week
3. Go to class. This is creating a monumental problem for my previous good grades this semester.
Note to self: What happens if Jenna can't/won't do phone session?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Million dollar question
"...so are you trying to make me stronger, or are ya trying to kill me?"-The Cleaner
My master has made me this collar so I can talk...Squirrel!! .....Hi....
Wow. I forgot to finish that thought...again. Meds. Geez. I am retarded lately. I forgot to go to therapy. I forgot about the test. I forgot why the sky is always raining on me and trying to ruin my life. J/k on that last part.
I have been very forgetful lately. I really just need a vaca from life. I mean come on people, if I have to live in this awful hellish life of mine can't I just get wickedly drunk every now and again?...and slowly drink away my life? That was a joke. I really do want to get drunk. Did anyone else realize how much I am bringing this up lately? Well I do.
Anyway, meds. This is insane, oh wait, no, I'M insane.
*****insert randon thought*****
Che, if you are reading this, You are seriously amazing. And Tiff, if you are reading this, don't be jealous cus we all know I think you are freaking incredible too!
*****random thought done*****
Meds. Back on track. So, I'm thinking positively about the whole thing and trying to see this as an opportunity to be ok. I am working out regularly, which is more than I can say for most of my post high school days. I have been in an extra contemplative mood the last few days and feel the desire to relfex on a few quotes.
"Strength is the willingness to take risks...to disclose yourself...being real."
"It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves" -Edmund Hilary(first man to climb mt. everest)
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy."
"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."-Babe Ruth
"It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself."
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take teh next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."-Eleanor Roosevelt
"A friend in one before whom I may think aloud."-Ralph Waldo Emerson
...and with that last thought I think I have summed up the entirety of my deep thoughts. I think that there are so often moments that pass us by in life because we are too busy figuring out what to do with ourselves next that we don't stop and notice what is going on around us. I have often been surprised when I really did stop and look around myself. I was surprised to realize that the walk home from the gym really is a pleasant one. I was surprised to find that my sorrows were paling in comparison to my neighbor's. I think that if we all cared more deeply about the well-being of those around us that we would all be better taken care of.
I find myself wondering how much pain would have been avoided in life on this earth if people would have stopped to think about the far reaching amplification of what they were attempting to do. When a girl opens her mouth to make a smart aleck remark does she consider the fragile state of the person recieving the comment or does she just selfishly feel that restraining herself and her words is not worth the effort?
I feel like I am rambling tonight which is fine I guess since I am not talking much lately. I don't feel like I have much to say but others want things to be said so I struggle to find words. Sometimes I am a real idiot and I miss things. I didn't realize that my sister was not ok until she started sobbin. I am usually an expert on such things(I am rather proud of the fact that I detect emotional states so well. Others are not such fans). Poor little sister though. I am the rock in the family. I bear the trials and hardship and I walk with a stiff lip. If I don't hold it together, no one will.
I don't mind being the one people come to for support. It actually ends up helping me quite a bit because I find that in losing myself in the service to others I often come to terms with my own self. I think this is why I was always such a fan of the local wildlife programs and the parks service projects. I have always loved to do things for others. I just always wanted to feel like I did something. I only wish people would let me help. So often people do not let me help and it hurts me. I would love nothing more than to sit and quietly listen to a person struggling but so often people resist that opportunity. Jill comes to mind.
The thing that tears me up the most and I am trying to get over is when I know someone is not ok and I realize that I have to walk away, not becasue I don't care but because they won't let me in. I have been through hell, no one would really deny that except my fucked up family but I still try ot let people in. I take risks. I take chances. I get hurt. I put my foot out into the dark and wait for people to lead me. I just wish other people would do the same. End of soap box. I feel alone. Darn that feeling. I have been told to try and remember that people are still there in spirit in when not in person but still I feel utterly alone.
Especially when people are asleep and I lay wide awake. I hate this. I lay there and the longer it goes the more I go crazy. I am the most messed up right before I go to bed. I have noticed this for quite some time now. I let go and a lot of the pent up feelings of the day come to the surface. Tonight I try to push thoughts out of my mind of taking my arm and strapping it down to the burner and leaving it on high. Oh what a charming thought. How I long to follow through. I can't afford to try and hide that kind of wound though and the mear action would leave me craving more, I jsut know it. Must. Resist.
Crossing fingers that Jenna doing phone sessions will be a realistic thing and might actually happen.
Just dissociated. Oops. I'm back. Earth to Sher. Why does the thought of not being able to talk to Jenna produce such a reaction. Too raw evoking. Will delve into that thought at later date.
I have been very forgetful lately. I really just need a vaca from life. I mean come on people, if I have to live in this awful hellish life of mine can't I just get wickedly drunk every now and again?...and slowly drink away my life? That was a joke. I really do want to get drunk. Did anyone else realize how much I am bringing this up lately? Well I do.
Anyway, meds. This is insane, oh wait, no, I'M insane.
*****insert randon thought*****
Che, if you are reading this, You are seriously amazing. And Tiff, if you are reading this, don't be jealous cus we all know I think you are freaking incredible too!
*****random thought done*****
Meds. Back on track. So, I'm thinking positively about the whole thing and trying to see this as an opportunity to be ok. I am working out regularly, which is more than I can say for most of my post high school days. I have been in an extra contemplative mood the last few days and feel the desire to relfex on a few quotes.
"Strength is the willingness to take risks...to disclose yourself...being real."
"It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves" -Edmund Hilary(first man to climb mt. everest)
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy."
"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."-Babe Ruth
"It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself."
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take teh next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."-Eleanor Roosevelt
"A friend in one before whom I may think aloud."-Ralph Waldo Emerson
...and with that last thought I think I have summed up the entirety of my deep thoughts. I think that there are so often moments that pass us by in life because we are too busy figuring out what to do with ourselves next that we don't stop and notice what is going on around us. I have often been surprised when I really did stop and look around myself. I was surprised to realize that the walk home from the gym really is a pleasant one. I was surprised to find that my sorrows were paling in comparison to my neighbor's. I think that if we all cared more deeply about the well-being of those around us that we would all be better taken care of.
I find myself wondering how much pain would have been avoided in life on this earth if people would have stopped to think about the far reaching amplification of what they were attempting to do. When a girl opens her mouth to make a smart aleck remark does she consider the fragile state of the person recieving the comment or does she just selfishly feel that restraining herself and her words is not worth the effort?
I feel like I am rambling tonight which is fine I guess since I am not talking much lately. I don't feel like I have much to say but others want things to be said so I struggle to find words. Sometimes I am a real idiot and I miss things. I didn't realize that my sister was not ok until she started sobbin. I am usually an expert on such things(I am rather proud of the fact that I detect emotional states so well. Others are not such fans). Poor little sister though. I am the rock in the family. I bear the trials and hardship and I walk with a stiff lip. If I don't hold it together, no one will.
I don't mind being the one people come to for support. It actually ends up helping me quite a bit because I find that in losing myself in the service to others I often come to terms with my own self. I think this is why I was always such a fan of the local wildlife programs and the parks service projects. I have always loved to do things for others. I just always wanted to feel like I did something. I only wish people would let me help. So often people do not let me help and it hurts me. I would love nothing more than to sit and quietly listen to a person struggling but so often people resist that opportunity. Jill comes to mind.
The thing that tears me up the most and I am trying to get over is when I know someone is not ok and I realize that I have to walk away, not becasue I don't care but because they won't let me in. I have been through hell, no one would really deny that except my fucked up family but I still try ot let people in. I take risks. I take chances. I get hurt. I put my foot out into the dark and wait for people to lead me. I just wish other people would do the same. End of soap box. I feel alone. Darn that feeling. I have been told to try and remember that people are still there in spirit in when not in person but still I feel utterly alone.
Especially when people are asleep and I lay wide awake. I hate this. I lay there and the longer it goes the more I go crazy. I am the most messed up right before I go to bed. I have noticed this for quite some time now. I let go and a lot of the pent up feelings of the day come to the surface. Tonight I try to push thoughts out of my mind of taking my arm and strapping it down to the burner and leaving it on high. Oh what a charming thought. How I long to follow through. I can't afford to try and hide that kind of wound though and the mear action would leave me craving more, I jsut know it. Must. Resist.
Crossing fingers that Jenna doing phone sessions will be a realistic thing and might actually happen.
Just dissociated. Oops. I'm back. Earth to Sher. Why does the thought of not being able to talk to Jenna produce such a reaction. Too raw evoking. Will delve into that thought at later date.
Meds...maybe not so much the bomb...
I'm trying to decide whether or not this not taking meds anymore thing is affecting me or not. It is day three of the no meds thing now and I have decided that I am ok. I actually feel about the same. I find this interesting since I felt so not ok until I was put on meds. I wasn't sleeping. I might even have been insane simply from the pain of my constant headaches and lack of sleep. It was an awful mess that was never ending and I almost wanted to die simply from the pain I felt and the sleep I felt was lacking.
I wanted so badly to sleep and to not feel pain that I overdosed on a ton of meds.
...and then I saw Dr. Reuther and was put on the original Invega for the dissociation, lack of sleep, night terrors, and all. I remember that first night on the meds and suddenly it was like being held on someone's loving arms for the first time. I felt myself slip into oblivion and I released my jaw bone for the first time in months. I felt myself grasping for my sanity and it answering when I called for it.
After that first night with a taste of peace I was hooked, but suddenly after some time had passed, all of it seemed to slip. I started not sleeping as well but it was still rather dreamless most nights. I began to find myself shifting into dissociation at times though certainly not as often as before.
I feel like something is lacking from my life., an understanding. I know that I have searched high and low for this sense of loss and wondered if I would find it. I have not found it and I think I have reached a place in my life where I do not feel so empty without it. I have let this search go unfound. I have often thought that if only I found what was missing, that I would finally be able to be happy, but I have had the most peaceful feeling lately in realizing that life is for the taking and that I do not need a permission to have at it. I am ready to start fighting for what makes me tick and sop looking for answers in everything.
Recently I have become more aware of projection and the way we see ourselves and our world as being shaped solely by our experiences previously. I see people who suffer from depression so clearly because the last ten years of my life have been soaked in a learned helplessness that leaves me lying on the floor with no will to live.
I know that many times in life people do not see what I see because they have not had as many experiences as me and that is ok. I actually sometimes think they are better off. I think that if a movie were made of my life it was be rated H, for hellish awfulness unfit for any eyes.
Back to the meds thought, I am so ADD that sometimes I foget why I start writing and I open new doors and forget about the ones already open. So anyway, I think that the meds help me live more as a "normal" person, meaning I slept, I ate, I went to class, I cried, etc.
I wanted so badly to sleep and to not feel pain that I overdosed on a ton of meds.
...and then I saw Dr. Reuther and was put on the original Invega for the dissociation, lack of sleep, night terrors, and all. I remember that first night on the meds and suddenly it was like being held on someone's loving arms for the first time. I felt myself slip into oblivion and I released my jaw bone for the first time in months. I felt myself grasping for my sanity and it answering when I called for it.
After that first night with a taste of peace I was hooked, but suddenly after some time had passed, all of it seemed to slip. I started not sleeping as well but it was still rather dreamless most nights. I began to find myself shifting into dissociation at times though certainly not as often as before.
I feel like something is lacking from my life., an understanding. I know that I have searched high and low for this sense of loss and wondered if I would find it. I have not found it and I think I have reached a place in my life where I do not feel so empty without it. I have let this search go unfound. I have often thought that if only I found what was missing, that I would finally be able to be happy, but I have had the most peaceful feeling lately in realizing that life is for the taking and that I do not need a permission to have at it. I am ready to start fighting for what makes me tick and sop looking for answers in everything.
Recently I have become more aware of projection and the way we see ourselves and our world as being shaped solely by our experiences previously. I see people who suffer from depression so clearly because the last ten years of my life have been soaked in a learned helplessness that leaves me lying on the floor with no will to live.
I know that many times in life people do not see what I see because they have not had as many experiences as me and that is ok. I actually sometimes think they are better off. I think that if a movie were made of my life it was be rated H, for hellish awfulness unfit for any eyes.
Back to the meds thought, I am so ADD that sometimes I foget why I start writing and I open new doors and forget about the ones already open. So anyway, I think that the meds help me live more as a "normal" person, meaning I slept, I ate, I went to class, I cried, etc.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Nutty? Musty? Fruity? How I like mine...
I dreamt about beer lastnight. I pretty much think that is the way to go. I mean if you're gonna dream it might as well be about your true love, right? So anyway, I dreamt about beer. So I'm walking to my weight training class today and I'm walking through the arch to the main gym and suddenly, without warning, I am engulfed throughout my senses by beer. I could smell the musty rich aroma and I could taste the liquid that somehow leaves my mouth dry and I could hear the sound of someone popping the can open and seriously I just stopped walking and soaked up the glorious experience.
I coulda sworn I died and went to heaven, it was that good. No joke. Somehow the experience carried me all the way through classes and I only started getting remotely depressed when I realized I have to go to work tonight, for one flipping hour. Who schedules people for one hour?
So now I am left with this glorious inticement to go find me some beer. I really am no classy drunk. I like the stuff the construction workers in town drink and I like the stuff my old warehouse buddies still down late at night and early in the morning. I like me some Budweiser. Although in recent times I have become a great proponent for Smirnoff. This stuff is a classier beer but not so frivilous that you feel like Champagne has been downed.
The first time I tried Bourbon. Ahhh. There's something very glassy tasting about the stuff. It's almost sharp, like tasting sharp cheddar after years of eating the original stuff. It leaves you with the desire to sit in front of a blazing fire, completely comvered in a blanket and snuggle in close to someone and quietly sip the stuff. It gives you a richer, more full drunk state.
I find myself in teh deepest trouble with my bud but champagne has left me in quite a state many time too. Somehow the fruitiness of the drink and sugar that it is doused in leaves you not realizing just how many glasses you have drunk. I have never been much of a "no" person and realy why keep track of anything? If something is worth keeping track of it won't be a conscious effort, right? And thus I have often been led down a drunken state where attempting to remember the number of preious drink becomes deja vu of a ACT test where you coulda sworn you knew what a square root was and what a function of pie meant and exactly how to use angles to find other angles but somewhere in the cogs of your mind the information has been locked away and no amount of searching has turned up the key.
I'm dreaming of just one drink.
I coulda sworn I died and went to heaven, it was that good. No joke. Somehow the experience carried me all the way through classes and I only started getting remotely depressed when I realized I have to go to work tonight, for one flipping hour. Who schedules people for one hour?
So now I am left with this glorious inticement to go find me some beer. I really am no classy drunk. I like the stuff the construction workers in town drink and I like the stuff my old warehouse buddies still down late at night and early in the morning. I like me some Budweiser. Although in recent times I have become a great proponent for Smirnoff. This stuff is a classier beer but not so frivilous that you feel like Champagne has been downed.
The first time I tried Bourbon. Ahhh. There's something very glassy tasting about the stuff. It's almost sharp, like tasting sharp cheddar after years of eating the original stuff. It leaves you with the desire to sit in front of a blazing fire, completely comvered in a blanket and snuggle in close to someone and quietly sip the stuff. It gives you a richer, more full drunk state.
I find myself in teh deepest trouble with my bud but champagne has left me in quite a state many time too. Somehow the fruitiness of the drink and sugar that it is doused in leaves you not realizing just how many glasses you have drunk. I have never been much of a "no" person and realy why keep track of anything? If something is worth keeping track of it won't be a conscious effort, right? And thus I have often been led down a drunken state where attempting to remember the number of preious drink becomes deja vu of a ACT test where you coulda sworn you knew what a square root was and what a function of pie meant and exactly how to use angles to find other angles but somewhere in the cogs of your mind the information has been locked away and no amount of searching has turned up the key.
I'm dreaming of just one drink.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Ode to my past.
Over You
Daughtry
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
Daughtry
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
If I could sing my thoughts I would sing these...
If Everyone Cared
Nickelback
From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
[Chorus:]
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
And I'm singing
Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
(I'm alive)
[Chorus x2]
And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died...
[Chorus]
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died
Far Away
Nickelback
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Nickelback
From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
[Chorus:]
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
And I'm singing
Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
(I'm alive)
[Chorus x2]
And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died...
[Chorus]
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died
Far Away
Nickelback
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
All I ever wanted was to be able to sing a song that described all the verses of lyrics that my heart yearns to set free...
If Today Was Your Last Day
Nickelback
My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?
Gotta Be Somebody
Nickelback
This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing
I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my own breath right up 'til the end
Until that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with
'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And you know this feels too right
It's just like déjà vu
Me standing here with you
So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end?
Is it that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with
'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
You never know when it shows up
Make sure you're holding on
'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on
'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, oh
Nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Nickelback
My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?
Gotta Be Somebody
Nickelback
This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing
I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my own breath right up 'til the end
Until that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with
'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And you know this feels too right
It's just like déjà vu
Me standing here with you
So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end?
Is it that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with
'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
You never know when it shows up
Make sure you're holding on
'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on
'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, oh
Nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Progress...self discovery
Things are differnet; how different, only time can tell. I have often felt that the passing of time has brought many unexpected yet eye-opening experiences. I know that from here on out I can't do the things I have done in the past. I am changed and this change can only be made real by my committment to it and by involving it by a change in action throughout all areas of my life.
I have been reflecting a lot lately on the mistakes I have made and the forgiveness I require from so many. I wish a million times that I could go back and never hurt all those people but the reality is; I did. I have short changed, rearranged, and left people in the dark. All those things cannot be made undone nor can I somehow take back so many of the hurtful things I once said. I wish that I could somehow take those things back.
Sometimes I think that my silence in later life is a reaction to the loose tongued nature I had so often growing up. I said a lot of things I wish I could take back and I hada lot of things said to me that I wish had been taken back. I know that time cannot be undone and the woven thread of actions cannot be changed but a part of me wishes I could grovel enough to gain forgiveness from the people I have offended.
I often feel that I have much to ask forgiveness for from my parents. I know I hurt them and no matter what they did to me they did not deserve a kid like me. I made so many mistakes. I feel awful that I was such an angry child and that I fought so much with my parents. I often feel that I provoked them to anger and in some way am at fault for their feelings. I try to be reasonable and see that feelings must be owned by the person feeling them but it's hard.
I have been dealing with triggers a lot better lately and I had a bit of self discovery while in the shower. I have noticed that a lot of my self discovery happens in the shower. Coinencidence. Freud would disagree. Glad he isn't in my head. I realized that the SI recently has occurred at a time when I am showing real improvement and I was blind to that.
I got caught in something that I should have completely avoided because I know how it goes. I know that people start to do better, don't see the progress, get discouraged, hurt themselves, and hinder their own progress in healing. Dumb of me. I really should be more wise to these things these days. After all, my schooling is all about learning how to be a better person. Wonder how I'm doing. I wonder how others woudl rate me.
I have been reflecting a lot lately on the mistakes I have made and the forgiveness I require from so many. I wish a million times that I could go back and never hurt all those people but the reality is; I did. I have short changed, rearranged, and left people in the dark. All those things cannot be made undone nor can I somehow take back so many of the hurtful things I once said. I wish that I could somehow take those things back.
Sometimes I think that my silence in later life is a reaction to the loose tongued nature I had so often growing up. I said a lot of things I wish I could take back and I hada lot of things said to me that I wish had been taken back. I know that time cannot be undone and the woven thread of actions cannot be changed but a part of me wishes I could grovel enough to gain forgiveness from the people I have offended.
I often feel that I have much to ask forgiveness for from my parents. I know I hurt them and no matter what they did to me they did not deserve a kid like me. I made so many mistakes. I feel awful that I was such an angry child and that I fought so much with my parents. I often feel that I provoked them to anger and in some way am at fault for their feelings. I try to be reasonable and see that feelings must be owned by the person feeling them but it's hard.
I have been dealing with triggers a lot better lately and I had a bit of self discovery while in the shower. I have noticed that a lot of my self discovery happens in the shower. Coinencidence. Freud would disagree. Glad he isn't in my head. I realized that the SI recently has occurred at a time when I am showing real improvement and I was blind to that.
I got caught in something that I should have completely avoided because I know how it goes. I know that people start to do better, don't see the progress, get discouraged, hurt themselves, and hinder their own progress in healing. Dumb of me. I really should be more wise to these things these days. After all, my schooling is all about learning how to be a better person. Wonder how I'm doing. I wonder how others woudl rate me.
My Safe Base
I've been thinking about my past traumas and wondering what kind of peace I need to make with them. I have been thinking about all this and contemplating exactly what I want to happen in order to make sense of what has happened, find a safer place in my life, and somehow come to terms with it all. I think I know what it is; I want to take my counselor back to my parents' house and walk through it, all the while telling stories of things that happened.
I see this happening in a more rhetorical sense than in real life. I would walk through the kitchen and recall many a time that my dad slammed his fist into the table in rage that one of us wouldn't finish our plate and even recall the time a bowl shattered when he fist collided. Some how recalling these events and walking through these haunts with my therapist seems to make a lot of sense for me.
Walking through the piano room, I would recount the ritual of me playing the piano and dad coming in to hover right behind me and all the while I felt so nervous because I knew what was coming next that I would only mess up more. He would inevitably criticize and tear down my ability to play to the point that I was left in tears.
When we walked upstairs I would begin to delve back into deeper and more painful memories. I would distantly remark that too many terrible things happened in this home to ever feel safe here. As we walked into the emaculate room that my parents claim, I would disconnectedly get that glazed look on my face, remembering all the vile acts that happened in that room.
Somehow walking through these unsafe places with Jenna seems so much more therapeutic then walking through those fears and memories with anyone else. For me, taking a trip through the haunts with someone I trust with all of me and in my current state seems a way to make peace with the past.
I don't feel particularly safe alone and I think it is because I feel at times back years ago and the victimized feeling leaves me feeling paralyzed with fears. I find that with a seldom few and select, I feel a sense of safety. I feel that I can let my guard down. I am surprised at times by those that make me feel a sense of safety. I am not sure what exactly sets me at ease with those people but something tells me through all my senses simultaneously that it is ok.
I wish I felt safe more often. I think my loss of safety is what leaves me so sleepless most nights. It really isn't plausible for me to spend the night with people but when I am in Portland I spend the night many times with two of my friends. I find that those nights are nights that I sleep so soundly and so peacefully that I am shocked. I feel safe with those two and so I sleep, I really sleep.
I wish I slept more. I wish that I slept deeper. I wish that I slept without the torment of nightmares. I wish that I could somehow make my fears dissapate. Somehow, though, my fears are ever present and even the most rigorous therapy does nothing to abate them. I know my safe base has been screwed with by my dad and my brother and even my mom from the time I was a little kid until now. I just hope that one day I will feel like my home is truly a safe haven from the world.
I see this happening in a more rhetorical sense than in real life. I would walk through the kitchen and recall many a time that my dad slammed his fist into the table in rage that one of us wouldn't finish our plate and even recall the time a bowl shattered when he fist collided. Some how recalling these events and walking through these haunts with my therapist seems to make a lot of sense for me.
Walking through the piano room, I would recount the ritual of me playing the piano and dad coming in to hover right behind me and all the while I felt so nervous because I knew what was coming next that I would only mess up more. He would inevitably criticize and tear down my ability to play to the point that I was left in tears.
When we walked upstairs I would begin to delve back into deeper and more painful memories. I would distantly remark that too many terrible things happened in this home to ever feel safe here. As we walked into the emaculate room that my parents claim, I would disconnectedly get that glazed look on my face, remembering all the vile acts that happened in that room.
Somehow walking through these unsafe places with Jenna seems so much more therapeutic then walking through those fears and memories with anyone else. For me, taking a trip through the haunts with someone I trust with all of me and in my current state seems a way to make peace with the past.
I don't feel particularly safe alone and I think it is because I feel at times back years ago and the victimized feeling leaves me feeling paralyzed with fears. I find that with a seldom few and select, I feel a sense of safety. I feel that I can let my guard down. I am surprised at times by those that make me feel a sense of safety. I am not sure what exactly sets me at ease with those people but something tells me through all my senses simultaneously that it is ok.
I wish I felt safe more often. I think my loss of safety is what leaves me so sleepless most nights. It really isn't plausible for me to spend the night with people but when I am in Portland I spend the night many times with two of my friends. I find that those nights are nights that I sleep so soundly and so peacefully that I am shocked. I feel safe with those two and so I sleep, I really sleep.
I wish I slept more. I wish that I slept deeper. I wish that I slept without the torment of nightmares. I wish that I could somehow make my fears dissapate. Somehow, though, my fears are ever present and even the most rigorous therapy does nothing to abate them. I know my safe base has been screwed with by my dad and my brother and even my mom from the time I was a little kid until now. I just hope that one day I will feel like my home is truly a safe haven from the world.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Motorcycles
I am rather clueless most of the time. I totally accept my cluelessness as the way I survive at times but this time it blows my mind. I felt prompted to do something. I did it. I seriously have my mind blown everytime I recognize that every single thing that happens in my life happens for a reason. Perhaps a part of me NEEDS things to happen for a reason so I GIVE them meaning but I don't think that is the case. I think that meaning exists without my help.
I have been listening a lot lately to my classical music. I have simply fetl the need for soothing tones. I am after all taking the max of the meds so really can't chill out anymore than I already am. I always find it funny how chill people percieve me to be. I am chill but sometimes, with some things, people have no idea just how unchill I am.
I want to sleep, I need to sleep yet I haven't been lately. I dread sleeping because I am scared of the dark and I inevitably have nightmares. All this is totally lame and gets me every night. It's like I seriously am a four year old afraid of the dark. Is it so gay that I leave my computer on with the harsh light glowing? Yup, guess it is. I haven't been able to sleep well lately. I keep waking up all stiff and sore. I might be flexing all my muscles when I sleep again. Atleast I haven't been cleching my jaw again.
I really need to sell my car. I hate that the dmv is taking eternity to process my paperwork. So yes I did not register my car the first 10 months I owned it? No big deal. Oops. I'm pretty sure that is against the law. Oh, but wait, I don't give a flip! Now I do only because I have been waiting a flipping month for the paperwork so I can sell Lexi. Yes I named my car. You see it is a Honda Accord LX. I like Lafonda the Honda but that name was taken by my friend's '92 Honda. I love Hondas. Oh baby they are great! I have run several into the ground. I am waiting for the cash from my car to go motorcycle shopping. Guess I sort of beat the '86 I had by running drunk into that pick-up. Guess I own that.
I have always wanted a motorcycle and now seems like a prome time to go get me one. I think a motorcycle is a million times sexier than any guy. Boo ya! Sometimes I wonder why guys have such big heads. Seriously, a motorcycle out machos you dude. I was all kinda of sad that Caleb sold his motorcycle for his car but even more sad that he isn't here at school anymore. I miss him. Sad day. I liked our car trips out to the country. Now that I am finally buying a bike, he no longer has one. Anyone up for a road trip to Tucson Arizona?
I have been listening a lot lately to my classical music. I have simply fetl the need for soothing tones. I am after all taking the max of the meds so really can't chill out anymore than I already am. I always find it funny how chill people percieve me to be. I am chill but sometimes, with some things, people have no idea just how unchill I am.
I want to sleep, I need to sleep yet I haven't been lately. I dread sleeping because I am scared of the dark and I inevitably have nightmares. All this is totally lame and gets me every night. It's like I seriously am a four year old afraid of the dark. Is it so gay that I leave my computer on with the harsh light glowing? Yup, guess it is. I haven't been able to sleep well lately. I keep waking up all stiff and sore. I might be flexing all my muscles when I sleep again. Atleast I haven't been cleching my jaw again.
I really need to sell my car. I hate that the dmv is taking eternity to process my paperwork. So yes I did not register my car the first 10 months I owned it? No big deal. Oops. I'm pretty sure that is against the law. Oh, but wait, I don't give a flip! Now I do only because I have been waiting a flipping month for the paperwork so I can sell Lexi. Yes I named my car. You see it is a Honda Accord LX. I like Lafonda the Honda but that name was taken by my friend's '92 Honda. I love Hondas. Oh baby they are great! I have run several into the ground. I am waiting for the cash from my car to go motorcycle shopping. Guess I sort of beat the '86 I had by running drunk into that pick-up. Guess I own that.
I have always wanted a motorcycle and now seems like a prome time to go get me one. I think a motorcycle is a million times sexier than any guy. Boo ya! Sometimes I wonder why guys have such big heads. Seriously, a motorcycle out machos you dude. I was all kinda of sad that Caleb sold his motorcycle for his car but even more sad that he isn't here at school anymore. I miss him. Sad day. I liked our car trips out to the country. Now that I am finally buying a bike, he no longer has one. Anyone up for a road trip to Tucson Arizona?
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Little comfort in words for now...
Having a really rough time remaining ok. I slipped up in my recovery and now I don't know what to do. I have made a mistake, many over my life, so how do I come back from that?
I want to watch Gilmore Girls. It the show I watch when I am struggling.
I find myself empty of words tonight. There jsut isn't comfort in speaking my mind this time. I usually find comfort in talking but for now silence is almost soothing. Hopefully tomorrow will be a fresh day and perhaps I will be ok with saying what I feel.
I want to watch Gilmore Girls. It the show I watch when I am struggling.
I find myself empty of words tonight. There jsut isn't comfort in speaking my mind this time. I usually find comfort in talking but for now silence is almost soothing. Hopefully tomorrow will be a fresh day and perhaps I will be ok with saying what I feel.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts...
I'm trying to focus on things that make my day, more. Today I have to say that going to my TA and running my four miles was what made my day. Perhaps it was the Propranolol bringing my heart rate to a crawl so I could bust it out faster that made it so sweet or perhaps it was the fact that I seem to be getting up for classes easier lately despite lack of sleep. I'm cool with either one.
I know that if my docs knew I was taking my drugs in excess right before working out, that they might flip a brick but hey whatevs. I don't care much at this point. I am just overjoyed to be sweating my heart out with no one complaining about it. Which reminds me...
Sher's to do list:
1.stop eating
2.make sure the not eating thing makes me lose weight
3.keep all this from my doc who would surely disprove because "I have an ED and work out too much"
So basically seeing my midterms made my day. You see I was really only hoping to pass my classes this semester since actual success seemed like a ridiculous dream but then bam! I see my midterms and hello I have a straight B average. Happy day. Really. Happy day.
This whole getting decent grades thing really messes with my "I can't do anything" ANT that spirals quietly in my head day in and day out whilst I sit silently in classes. I am going to have to readjust my thinking. Can I actually succeed in school? Is this actually concievable? What a thought. Hmmm, gonna ponder on that one and get back to it.
I hit my limit on the meds today but really want some more. Does that make me a drug addict to want more than the rx? I nearly fell asleep in marriage class today. What a joke. Although, the prof actually called on me today. I find that in my life my words don't count for much with people so more often than not I keep em to myself but this time I just had a burning desire to spill.
The question was how do couples break free from gridlock. I proudly shot my hand up to answer that they take their perpetual problems more lightly. Gold star, anyone? I went on to explain that through taking problems more lightly that they nurture their fondness for each other and leave more of their positive sentiment override intact. I am such a nerd. Sigh, I accept it, though I try to keep it from the gangstas from the hood. Would ruin my image.
Anyway, this is day two of my positive thoughts streak. Let's see if I can keep it up. A stiff drink would help the process. Just kidding, well, not really.
I know that if my docs knew I was taking my drugs in excess right before working out, that they might flip a brick but hey whatevs. I don't care much at this point. I am just overjoyed to be sweating my heart out with no one complaining about it. Which reminds me...
Sher's to do list:
1.stop eating
2.make sure the not eating thing makes me lose weight
3.keep all this from my doc who would surely disprove because "I have an ED and work out too much"
So basically seeing my midterms made my day. You see I was really only hoping to pass my classes this semester since actual success seemed like a ridiculous dream but then bam! I see my midterms and hello I have a straight B average. Happy day. Really. Happy day.
This whole getting decent grades thing really messes with my "I can't do anything" ANT that spirals quietly in my head day in and day out whilst I sit silently in classes. I am going to have to readjust my thinking. Can I actually succeed in school? Is this actually concievable? What a thought. Hmmm, gonna ponder on that one and get back to it.
I hit my limit on the meds today but really want some more. Does that make me a drug addict to want more than the rx? I nearly fell asleep in marriage class today. What a joke. Although, the prof actually called on me today. I find that in my life my words don't count for much with people so more often than not I keep em to myself but this time I just had a burning desire to spill.
The question was how do couples break free from gridlock. I proudly shot my hand up to answer that they take their perpetual problems more lightly. Gold star, anyone? I went on to explain that through taking problems more lightly that they nurture their fondness for each other and leave more of their positive sentiment override intact. I am such a nerd. Sigh, I accept it, though I try to keep it from the gangstas from the hood. Would ruin my image.
Anyway, this is day two of my positive thoughts streak. Let's see if I can keep it up. A stiff drink would help the process. Just kidding, well, not really.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Abs baby, abs...
Here I sit reflecting on the past and I find myself drifting back to the moments I had as a teen. Those moments where I laughed til my guts hurt and the moments that made me laugh at the bitter bitter way life landed in my lap. Let's see, the choices the choices, so many memories.
Number one, I look back and laugh. I shall never, as long as I live, forget when I went skinny dipping only to be gawked at my these thirty year old creepy women. The story begins like any summer adventure. As lifeguard up at girl's camp I had the mast keys to the pool house so obviously I gathered a group together to sneakily hike to the pool.
You see, when you are a young adventurous youth you do not think about moonlight and just how bright the freakin moon is. It's crazy. So here I am in a pool full of my rebel friends giggling rather loudly(hello what kind of teen can actually giggle quietly while feeling so mischevious?!)
So anyway suddenly we hear giggling coming from the bushes and are horrified to discover several women in their thirties that had been checking us out. Can you say horrified?! I think I have never felt so completely embarrassed in my entire life. Well, almost. I then continued to endure these women's comments about my body for the rest of the summer. I still shudder everytime I go home and see these women. Twas a mistake indeed that fateful summer's night. What do ya do when you are young though?
Ooooo! I think that my sisters and I have too much fun sitting and "talking story" at times. You see, we sit and talk in our rooms or the kitchen or in the family room and we start by talking about hot boys, inevitably, but then we talk about everything under the sun. It gets pretty good. I find that I am spilling my guts out I laugh so hard. Susy is my fav. So often we are sitting, then suddenly without warning, she says I have to poop, then gets up and leaves. This leaves my sides aching with laughter EVERYTIME. My sister has no sense of tmi. Silly girl.
My favorite text ever was Susy texting me about how she had been making out with her bf and then got swollen lips from it. I think the part that cracked me up to no end was her not realizing that hello making out for hours is gonna leave a mark. My mom got after her after realizing what she had been up to. Funny coming from my mother, the one who allowed porn in the house when I was a kid. Oh boy, just thinking about it makes me smile.
Once when we were kids I went out with my parents only to come home to a kitchen covered in oil. The question wtf happened only extracted giggles from Val and Fred. Seems Susy "wanted to know what popcorn looked like popping" so she popped corn kernels in hot oil with the lid off the pan. Of course dad flew into a rage about the whole thing as usual but inwardly I was DYING with laughter. Oh Susy. Poor girl got a lot of wrath over the years from dad for the silly thoughtless things she did.
Number one, I look back and laugh. I shall never, as long as I live, forget when I went skinny dipping only to be gawked at my these thirty year old creepy women. The story begins like any summer adventure. As lifeguard up at girl's camp I had the mast keys to the pool house so obviously I gathered a group together to sneakily hike to the pool.
You see, when you are a young adventurous youth you do not think about moonlight and just how bright the freakin moon is. It's crazy. So here I am in a pool full of my rebel friends giggling rather loudly(hello what kind of teen can actually giggle quietly while feeling so mischevious?!)
So anyway suddenly we hear giggling coming from the bushes and are horrified to discover several women in their thirties that had been checking us out. Can you say horrified?! I think I have never felt so completely embarrassed in my entire life. Well, almost. I then continued to endure these women's comments about my body for the rest of the summer. I still shudder everytime I go home and see these women. Twas a mistake indeed that fateful summer's night. What do ya do when you are young though?
Ooooo! I think that my sisters and I have too much fun sitting and "talking story" at times. You see, we sit and talk in our rooms or the kitchen or in the family room and we start by talking about hot boys, inevitably, but then we talk about everything under the sun. It gets pretty good. I find that I am spilling my guts out I laugh so hard. Susy is my fav. So often we are sitting, then suddenly without warning, she says I have to poop, then gets up and leaves. This leaves my sides aching with laughter EVERYTIME. My sister has no sense of tmi. Silly girl.
My favorite text ever was Susy texting me about how she had been making out with her bf and then got swollen lips from it. I think the part that cracked me up to no end was her not realizing that hello making out for hours is gonna leave a mark. My mom got after her after realizing what she had been up to. Funny coming from my mother, the one who allowed porn in the house when I was a kid. Oh boy, just thinking about it makes me smile.
Once when we were kids I went out with my parents only to come home to a kitchen covered in oil. The question wtf happened only extracted giggles from Val and Fred. Seems Susy "wanted to know what popcorn looked like popping" so she popped corn kernels in hot oil with the lid off the pan. Of course dad flew into a rage about the whole thing as usual but inwardly I was DYING with laughter. Oh Susy. Poor girl got a lot of wrath over the years from dad for the silly thoughtless things she did.
Another day, or is it still yesterday?
I've been trying to pay more attention to my moods what with keeping this new mood chart and all. Makes me realize how preposterous my idea about being bp was. I really don't have ups now. I don't really get those achy lows either though. Well, not the way I used to get lows anyway.
I haven't been sleeping much-4 hours lastnight-and yet I try. I lay in bed and wonder how much time has gone by, it's like a game, I swear. I haven't been working out because I have been so tired that the last time I worked out I nearly passed out. Even when I DO sleep I am in some kind of restless listless light sleep. It sucks.
I used to sleep well on the meds but seems I don't anymroe. I don't blame the meds for it but I do wish I felt more routine. I feel off kilter when I don't get enough sleep. I forgot about my midterm the other day and I completely blame it on my lack of sleep. Sigh. I feel better on meds but then the being tired leaves me back down so really how much does it help?
Che comes over yesterday and asks me the million dollar question; "Who's there for you?" when I talk about being there for my friend when she SIs. I know she wants to be there for me. I can't help it though. I smile and can't relax. It's jsut how I am. I know I have let her in more than most though. Her and Tiff seem to really see me. Most people don't really see me. It's nice to be seen.
I am trying to be selective and let some people in. I talk to Che and Tiff even when I have the urge to shut up. I text em even when I want to be alone. I trudge through the lows and still do what I want to do. Is this my way of trying to live the life I would choose regardless of the dp? I think so.
I have been pushing myself to go out more and be social. It's working. Too bad my studies get in the way. Lol. I have two tests this week and haven't done nearly enough studying so today will be a day full of reading and re-reading. I hate school. I truly hate it. Only reason I do it is for the end result; the diploma. I want to quit everyday. No joke.
Guess I feel like quitting on a lot of things. I rememeber the first time I went to see a tdoc. I never wanted to come back. Here I am 9 years later still coming back to docs though. Guess I figure I have no idea what helps but not being in therapy somehow leaves me spinning. Perhaps my only compass is measuring my health through someone else's eyes. Still contemplating that whole bp thing.
I feel rather empty of thoughts/feelings/reactions lately what with no sleep. Sigh. Guess I ought to start the sleeping pills again. Don't want to but might have to.
Roommates keeping talking about guys and how so and so is so cute and how so and so should date a guy or how they wish a guy would ask them out and it reminds me how different I am from most around me. I jsut flat do not care. I don't base my self worth or promise on guys or dates. Weirdos. I forget sometimes how much others want to "get some."
Why is it that people seem to need to be "with" someone to be happy? Happiness comes from inside not outside yourself. I don't think that means that dp people are to blame for their illness though. People who imply or out right say that make me want to vomit then drop kick them. Pisses me off when people who have never experienced dp say it's something to snap out of or act like we are jsut weak sauce for being unhappy, as if it is a choice we chose. Grrr. I don't get fired over much these days but that still irks me enough to rub me the wrong way.
My eng prof is a prime example of wasted flesh. The boy, I say boy because seriously he is, really needs to grow up and go back to school. I am tired of paying to listen to him blab on about nothingness and pretend that it is philosophy even though we are in an english class. What is the boy smoking? Sometimes I wonder. Wondering makes me think of all the people I tune out because heaven knows I tune this boy out. Is it bad that I tune most people out after the first word? I am still not sure what anyone said at fhe this semester. Where does tuning out become unhealthy dissociation?
I'm not even sure I feel much of anything anymore. Oh well. Not feeling much means I feel nothing about the feeling nothing.
I haven't been sleeping much-4 hours lastnight-and yet I try. I lay in bed and wonder how much time has gone by, it's like a game, I swear. I haven't been working out because I have been so tired that the last time I worked out I nearly passed out. Even when I DO sleep I am in some kind of restless listless light sleep. It sucks.
I used to sleep well on the meds but seems I don't anymroe. I don't blame the meds for it but I do wish I felt more routine. I feel off kilter when I don't get enough sleep. I forgot about my midterm the other day and I completely blame it on my lack of sleep. Sigh. I feel better on meds but then the being tired leaves me back down so really how much does it help?
Che comes over yesterday and asks me the million dollar question; "Who's there for you?" when I talk about being there for my friend when she SIs. I know she wants to be there for me. I can't help it though. I smile and can't relax. It's jsut how I am. I know I have let her in more than most though. Her and Tiff seem to really see me. Most people don't really see me. It's nice to be seen.
I am trying to be selective and let some people in. I talk to Che and Tiff even when I have the urge to shut up. I text em even when I want to be alone. I trudge through the lows and still do what I want to do. Is this my way of trying to live the life I would choose regardless of the dp? I think so.
I have been pushing myself to go out more and be social. It's working. Too bad my studies get in the way. Lol. I have two tests this week and haven't done nearly enough studying so today will be a day full of reading and re-reading. I hate school. I truly hate it. Only reason I do it is for the end result; the diploma. I want to quit everyday. No joke.
Guess I feel like quitting on a lot of things. I rememeber the first time I went to see a tdoc. I never wanted to come back. Here I am 9 years later still coming back to docs though. Guess I figure I have no idea what helps but not being in therapy somehow leaves me spinning. Perhaps my only compass is measuring my health through someone else's eyes. Still contemplating that whole bp thing.
I feel rather empty of thoughts/feelings/reactions lately what with no sleep. Sigh. Guess I ought to start the sleeping pills again. Don't want to but might have to.
Roommates keeping talking about guys and how so and so is so cute and how so and so should date a guy or how they wish a guy would ask them out and it reminds me how different I am from most around me. I jsut flat do not care. I don't base my self worth or promise on guys or dates. Weirdos. I forget sometimes how much others want to "get some."
Why is it that people seem to need to be "with" someone to be happy? Happiness comes from inside not outside yourself. I don't think that means that dp people are to blame for their illness though. People who imply or out right say that make me want to vomit then drop kick them. Pisses me off when people who have never experienced dp say it's something to snap out of or act like we are jsut weak sauce for being unhappy, as if it is a choice we chose. Grrr. I don't get fired over much these days but that still irks me enough to rub me the wrong way.
My eng prof is a prime example of wasted flesh. The boy, I say boy because seriously he is, really needs to grow up and go back to school. I am tired of paying to listen to him blab on about nothingness and pretend that it is philosophy even though we are in an english class. What is the boy smoking? Sometimes I wonder. Wondering makes me think of all the people I tune out because heaven knows I tune this boy out. Is it bad that I tune most people out after the first word? I am still not sure what anyone said at fhe this semester. Where does tuning out become unhealthy dissociation?
I'm not even sure I feel much of anything anymore. Oh well. Not feeling much means I feel nothing about the feeling nothing.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Not sure how to be there but not be hurt...
I feel very triggered. Talked to a friend tonight and had a fight with her about her cutting. I am tired of feeling like everytime she cuts she doesn't care squat about what it does to me or people who care about her. She sometimes needs stitches. I tell her to call me, text me, IM me, email me if she feels the need and then we can talk instead but she won't. She inevitably always tells me AFTERWARDS but that does nothing but make me feel like I failed in some way.
I know it is her choice to hurt herself or not but this is just too much. Especially after watching that movie lastnight. I find myself disgusted with her lack of consideration of others. I know she knows cutting isn't an answer to her problems but she wants permission to do it. She wants me to jsut say go ahead but I don't. I say you can't do it, you are hurting people who care about you, you are only making your problems worse, etc but she seems deaf to my words.
I know what pain feels like and what suffering does to a person but it is just really hard for me to talk to her becasue she seems to only hear what she wants to hear and does whatever she wants. I am tired of this one way relationship where all I do is try to talk her out of cutting herself and she never does anything for me. I care about her as a person but as a friend, not so much anymore. I feel worn down by her. I have my own issues and I can't handle having to hear how she didn't call me once again and hurt herself. It hurts me.
I want to be there for her even if and when no one else is but it is hard not to feel beaten to the ground by her. I choose to hurt for her and for others because I want to help but she won't let me help her and it causes me torment. I have a saving people complex. I admit it. Having this complex though, I feel tortured by her because I care what she does and if she hurts. I wish she could see this pain I feel for and becasue of her. Hope comes, even if it is faint and far away. She does not want to have hope though. Inside herself, she has given up. I don't really know what to do. I want to protect her but I feel unable to.
I know it is her choice to hurt herself or not but this is just too much. Especially after watching that movie lastnight. I find myself disgusted with her lack of consideration of others. I know she knows cutting isn't an answer to her problems but she wants permission to do it. She wants me to jsut say go ahead but I don't. I say you can't do it, you are hurting people who care about you, you are only making your problems worse, etc but she seems deaf to my words.
I know what pain feels like and what suffering does to a person but it is just really hard for me to talk to her becasue she seems to only hear what she wants to hear and does whatever she wants. I am tired of this one way relationship where all I do is try to talk her out of cutting herself and she never does anything for me. I care about her as a person but as a friend, not so much anymore. I feel worn down by her. I have my own issues and I can't handle having to hear how she didn't call me once again and hurt herself. It hurts me.
I want to be there for her even if and when no one else is but it is hard not to feel beaten to the ground by her. I choose to hurt for her and for others because I want to help but she won't let me help her and it causes me torment. I have a saving people complex. I admit it. Having this complex though, I feel tortured by her because I care what she does and if she hurts. I wish she could see this pain I feel for and becasue of her. Hope comes, even if it is faint and far away. She does not want to have hope though. Inside herself, she has given up. I don't really know what to do. I want to protect her but I feel unable to.
A trigger...
I made a mistake.
On an emotional day such as today I should have known better than to watch a movie such as Enough. This is a movie about J Lo and she is getting abused by this guy she marries and she has to run for her life. I think that as I watched the movie I felt my shoulders tighten and my jaw clech because all I could think is this movie portrays it well.
You can never run far enough away and the fear you feel really does keep you from sleeping because of the vivid dreams. I think that in the end you are the only one who can protect yourself and you have to learn how to be a fighter because otherwise you die.
In my heart I wish that I could save all those women who go through such things but I know deep down that no place is safe and that you really do just have to fight to survive and hope that is enough to safe you but even then you are left with emotional scars that never fade, never go away.
I don't really think that I will ever get over or get through what I have experienced. I think those kind of shaking traumas jsut leave you with a broken heart. I don't feel like I can ever find a place safe enough to close my eyes without an entreched feeling of dread and fear. For me, the insecurities and the low self esteem I feel crushes my very spirit and life.
Seeing other people who live their lives with such a fearless force, I want to be like that but I am afraid so much of the time and I live my life looking behind my shoulder. I know the stark realities and the harsh truths and with that knowledge I can never go back to being that little girl who trusted and believed in people.
I know that all that has happened to me is in some way my responsibility and my fault and nothing anyone tries to convince me of otherwise will ever change that. For me, the pain and guilt goes too deep for mere talking. I have been told it isn't my fault by my old tdoc and by friends but I know it is my fault and my responsibility so I can't let them lie to me.
I can never wash away the dirt that pollutes me and the nakedness I always feel. These things are ever with me and never fade away. I try to go about life as others do but inside I know that I am far more damaged and for more affected by even the slightest things. Etched on the wallls of my mind are the words spoken to me by my father and they ever press me.
I find that the farther I run from the sexual abuse I went through the more it affects me. I couldn't even relax into Brandon's arms as we lay together. He kept saying your shoulders are flexed and you aren't relaxed and while I knew he was right all I wanted him to do was shut up and hold me. Sometimes I think that the little girl in me jsut wants to be held and told things will be ok. Perhaps that isn't true-things being ok-but I need to hear it because otherwise I may not have the courage to live another day.
After watching Enough I find that the triggering affect has taken some time to settle in but here it is, a blinding force. I wish sometimes to escape and perhaps that is why I dissociate, things become simply too much. I cannot even think about the endless torture that it my past, so I block it all out. Sometimes memories come and I wish they would not. I like to forget and for me it is far easier to breath when I do not remember the vivid details.
But still I remember the shaking. I shook to bad. So many times. I often cried myself to sleep as a kid. My life was too miserable not to. I prayed for a day when my brother would leave me alone. I did not want to see him. I think more than any other memory I wish that the memory of seeing my brother and sister sleeping together would go away. Knowing that she wanted him and he wanted her so badly that they did that is something that never washed from my skin.
I can never forget walking in on them. For me, that was so horrible and so awful. I never wanted attention from guys and abuse was never something I wanted but my sister asked for it everyday she breathed. She has always been so sexual and for me to realize that she was ok with it all has been a har truth in my life.
I can't bear to linger on these thoughts as they lead back to trauma. There are times I try to look back but it always leaves me traumatized all over again and I can't bear that.
Now that I have paused long enough to allow my heart back to a bearable rate of beating I can breath slightly better.
I'm letting this train of thought die where it is. I feel too raw to continue.
On an emotional day such as today I should have known better than to watch a movie such as Enough. This is a movie about J Lo and she is getting abused by this guy she marries and she has to run for her life. I think that as I watched the movie I felt my shoulders tighten and my jaw clech because all I could think is this movie portrays it well.
You can never run far enough away and the fear you feel really does keep you from sleeping because of the vivid dreams. I think that in the end you are the only one who can protect yourself and you have to learn how to be a fighter because otherwise you die.
In my heart I wish that I could save all those women who go through such things but I know deep down that no place is safe and that you really do just have to fight to survive and hope that is enough to safe you but even then you are left with emotional scars that never fade, never go away.
I don't really think that I will ever get over or get through what I have experienced. I think those kind of shaking traumas jsut leave you with a broken heart. I don't feel like I can ever find a place safe enough to close my eyes without an entreched feeling of dread and fear. For me, the insecurities and the low self esteem I feel crushes my very spirit and life.
Seeing other people who live their lives with such a fearless force, I want to be like that but I am afraid so much of the time and I live my life looking behind my shoulder. I know the stark realities and the harsh truths and with that knowledge I can never go back to being that little girl who trusted and believed in people.
I know that all that has happened to me is in some way my responsibility and my fault and nothing anyone tries to convince me of otherwise will ever change that. For me, the pain and guilt goes too deep for mere talking. I have been told it isn't my fault by my old tdoc and by friends but I know it is my fault and my responsibility so I can't let them lie to me.
I can never wash away the dirt that pollutes me and the nakedness I always feel. These things are ever with me and never fade away. I try to go about life as others do but inside I know that I am far more damaged and for more affected by even the slightest things. Etched on the wallls of my mind are the words spoken to me by my father and they ever press me.
I find that the farther I run from the sexual abuse I went through the more it affects me. I couldn't even relax into Brandon's arms as we lay together. He kept saying your shoulders are flexed and you aren't relaxed and while I knew he was right all I wanted him to do was shut up and hold me. Sometimes I think that the little girl in me jsut wants to be held and told things will be ok. Perhaps that isn't true-things being ok-but I need to hear it because otherwise I may not have the courage to live another day.
After watching Enough I find that the triggering affect has taken some time to settle in but here it is, a blinding force. I wish sometimes to escape and perhaps that is why I dissociate, things become simply too much. I cannot even think about the endless torture that it my past, so I block it all out. Sometimes memories come and I wish they would not. I like to forget and for me it is far easier to breath when I do not remember the vivid details.
But still I remember the shaking. I shook to bad. So many times. I often cried myself to sleep as a kid. My life was too miserable not to. I prayed for a day when my brother would leave me alone. I did not want to see him. I think more than any other memory I wish that the memory of seeing my brother and sister sleeping together would go away. Knowing that she wanted him and he wanted her so badly that they did that is something that never washed from my skin.
I can never forget walking in on them. For me, that was so horrible and so awful. I never wanted attention from guys and abuse was never something I wanted but my sister asked for it everyday she breathed. She has always been so sexual and for me to realize that she was ok with it all has been a har truth in my life.
I can't bear to linger on these thoughts as they lead back to trauma. There are times I try to look back but it always leaves me traumatized all over again and I can't bear that.
Now that I have paused long enough to allow my heart back to a bearable rate of beating I can breath slightly better.
I'm letting this train of thought die where it is. I feel too raw to continue.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Mania?
Feeling pretty good today. Been tracking my mood today. I started by taking a look at the mood chart I presently have then I began to think about how much my mood flutuates throughout the day and how I really need to track it three times a day. I began the day with a toss of dissociating throughout all of english and then getting a lot of hw done during my study break, then getting the ultimate frustration when my marriage professor kept ignoring me trying to give my imput on topic when fuck I rarely do so WTF does he always ignore me? I figure it is because I don't automatically agree with him 24/7 like some of the students.
I find though that I feel pretty good today. I feel like the clouds are finally parting on all this depression. I swear this is the first internal sun I have felt since last July. Crazy. I guess this is good. Even though I had been tossing around the idea of going off the meds I am totally happy to be on the 1.5 mg Risperdal and 60 mg Propranolol. What a glorious feeling. Hmmm. I hope this feeling stays. I hate to chock it up to a manic type thing.
I feel like I sometimes have unexplained moods but today I think it might really be a good day due to getting a lot done, feeling successful, and hell it's my birthday this weekend so I guess I feel good. I guess going to the big city with friends and playing cards with close friends all night long should count as a reason to be happy eh? Well I really need to focus on keeping my head together because I am trying to truly succeed this semester in school. I have been doing ok but not awesome. I have a sprinkling of effort over all. I find that somedays I only have X amount of caring and when it is spent then I care about nothing anymore.
Today there jsut happens to be plenty of X to go around. I did get turned down by my friend Ry to going with my friends to the big city. I don't feel like the news is affecting me much though; usually those things do though. Oh well.
I feel really grateful today. I have been getting in that mood lately though with Flame's thread on dbsa about things to be grateful for though. Sometimes I jsut need a reminder of what I have.
As summer comes closer and my trip to California gets iminent I get more and more excited. I really am going to enjoy myself this summer. I need that. I need to really feel happy. I need to feel like I did well and did all I coluld this semester to get good grades. I want to feel good about myself, is that so wrong?
I am skipping out on work tonight though to party. Oops. Guess I am not being totally responsible. Oh well. I let myself off the hook this weekend.
I find though that I feel pretty good today. I feel like the clouds are finally parting on all this depression. I swear this is the first internal sun I have felt since last July. Crazy. I guess this is good. Even though I had been tossing around the idea of going off the meds I am totally happy to be on the 1.5 mg Risperdal and 60 mg Propranolol. What a glorious feeling. Hmmm. I hope this feeling stays. I hate to chock it up to a manic type thing.
I feel like I sometimes have unexplained moods but today I think it might really be a good day due to getting a lot done, feeling successful, and hell it's my birthday this weekend so I guess I feel good. I guess going to the big city with friends and playing cards with close friends all night long should count as a reason to be happy eh? Well I really need to focus on keeping my head together because I am trying to truly succeed this semester in school. I have been doing ok but not awesome. I have a sprinkling of effort over all. I find that somedays I only have X amount of caring and when it is spent then I care about nothing anymore.
Today there jsut happens to be plenty of X to go around. I did get turned down by my friend Ry to going with my friends to the big city. I don't feel like the news is affecting me much though; usually those things do though. Oh well.
I feel really grateful today. I have been getting in that mood lately though with Flame's thread on dbsa about things to be grateful for though. Sometimes I jsut need a reminder of what I have.
As summer comes closer and my trip to California gets iminent I get more and more excited. I really am going to enjoy myself this summer. I need that. I need to really feel happy. I need to feel like I did well and did all I coluld this semester to get good grades. I want to feel good about myself, is that so wrong?
I am skipping out on work tonight though to party. Oops. Guess I am not being totally responsible. Oh well. I let myself off the hook this weekend.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Sleep or lack thereof is getting to me...
As each day comes to an end and I realize that my time soon comes to lay awake in bed full of dread or to wake to nightmares I find that I avoid sleep. I avoid the painful wakening from a terrible nightmare because the fear is so intense, the pain so real, the aloneness too stark. At the end of each day I feel like there is not time enough to let my problems get resolved before I sleep but I find that if I try to sleep without letting my fears and problems out then I am in for a sleepless and awful night. I don't know what to do about this since there is never time enough to lay my fears/dreads/problems/pain to rest before sleeping.
I contemplate quitting school because everyday is so excruciating to go to class, to even show up, that I wonder how much longer I can do it, all the time. I can't sleep and when I can't sleep how on earth can I be expected to go to class or even have the presence of mind to study or take a test. I just wonder if I ought to quit and start working again and forget school for a while.
I've been thinking, no fantasizing, about quitting school and taking off to a new town and starting over. I think it would be a breath of fresh air. I want so badly to get out of this school where I feel I am suffocating but I have found great roommates and somehow feel obligated to stay. Why? I haven't a clue. I find that I am a better person when I am here and not back home with certain people who appeal to the rebel in me.
I don't even know what I am saying anymore. I slept a few hours lastnight and a fist full the night before and so on.
I contemplate quitting school because everyday is so excruciating to go to class, to even show up, that I wonder how much longer I can do it, all the time. I can't sleep and when I can't sleep how on earth can I be expected to go to class or even have the presence of mind to study or take a test. I just wonder if I ought to quit and start working again and forget school for a while.
I've been thinking, no fantasizing, about quitting school and taking off to a new town and starting over. I think it would be a breath of fresh air. I want so badly to get out of this school where I feel I am suffocating but I have found great roommates and somehow feel obligated to stay. Why? I haven't a clue. I find that I am a better person when I am here and not back home with certain people who appeal to the rebel in me.
I don't even know what I am saying anymore. I slept a few hours lastnight and a fist full the night before and so on.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Bunny vs. DBSA
I suppose this is just me and my issues coming to surface but here I keep reading bunny vs. dbsa and for some reason it is like a horror movie that one cannot tear their eyes away from even though the horror of the movie is ghastly. I find myself in awe that no one thought to disengage from the fray. It seems so obvious to me. But then I grew up with an old brother who's greatest pleasure was to rile people up then laugh. I grew up never engaging in his games because I saw them fro what they were very quickly.
I told myself I wasn't getting involved but eventually I began to feel involved because at the heart of it all I can see that bunny has a fundamental cognitive block missing which would allow him to have the natural laws govern him the way the rest of us are. Most of society is governed by a higher law of ethics and behaviors.
We all knew that what Hitler did was wrong and at the heart we knew tht Hitler knew he was acting "wrong" as well. This is this code that we all believe in. We all have at our core a power that wills us to have to justify ourselves when we break this code. Like I cut in line because my daughter is sick or whatever.
Quickly after joining dbsa bunny began to pm me. I responded and since I wasn't keeping a real close eye on the boards I wasn't aware of his character right away. It took me some time and a lot of pms from him to discover the anti-social personality that began to emerge across the boards. I began to see a man who truly wanted the world to see things as they "really are" because in some way he believes that that is the only way to help people. He truly thinks that by "making people" see the error of their perspectives that he is aiding them to wellness.
If he had the same code as the rest of us he would know that harassing, belittling, aggravating, teasing, sarcasm, veiled venom, etc are all offensive to people. The problem is that he does not have the ability to feel about reasoning that happens in his brain. The ability is not there and as such he cannot see what others see so clearly. Others see the "wrongness" of his posts and his very center reaks of arrogance but sadly because he doesn't feel the reasoning behind his arrogance he does not see it as such. Sad really.
I think that my anger first was raised as I saw that he refused to support the person requesting support. At the heart of all my philosophies is the belief that one must express and feel unconditional positive regard towards others that they truly care about or wish to support. This is at the base of all the psychological things I live.
I strongly believe that unconditional positive regard is the only way one truly helps another motive towards inspiration. If bunny had truly wanted to help the person asking for help and had he been able to truly help, he would have gone about it very differently.
When I finally realized what was going on when bunny asked me for support I had to tell him off. The funny thing and the thing I am still baffled by is that he has not bashed me in any way. He continues to talk to me civilly and actually shows interest in me and even seems to like me. This baffles me becasue I tell him he should stop talking to everyone and walk away and I tell him politely what is what but somehow I am not attcked the way others are. He says I am a natural leader. I feel compilmented but also curious. Why is it that I have not stirred him up like the others have?
There are a couple people that have pissed me off over time from the boards but it is interesting because in the end we always remained friends and sometimes I was even corrected and admitted it. I think it is odd tha bunny cannot see what Nara put so clearly into words. Out of anyone I think she is the msot competent at pointing out the logic and rationale of it all. I think it was very well put but even then somehow bunny could not see it but when I say it he takes it. Why?
Why does he listen to me and no one else? I have to wonder. Is it my refusal to bash others even when they offend me? Is it my ability to never get involved? I objectively stand aside and can see everything that everyone brings to the table and why they react the way they do and it all makes perfect sense; like a puzzle that fits together perfectly.
Bunny seems to have such an issue with women and yet when he finds me he is totally ok with me and even when he finds I have met a girl and have feelings for women he just takes it. It baffles me. I wonder why. I know I may never find the reason but the question will continue to spin quietly in the back of my mind.
The fight seems to continue on the thread and it seems that no one realized that they were handing ammo to bunny by responding until jsut recently. I wish that I could have prevented all this fighting and conflict because it pains me to witness but I think that if it hadn't happened now it woulda happened at some point later, given the personality of bunny. I see why people were so offended and I wish I could have prevented that but I realize that by choosing to be impartial I had to keep out of it all. I could not tkae sides and still respect myself.
But even in refusing to take sides I wonder if I have taken sides. I care deeply for many that were attacked by bunny and I think they had many points that were quite valid but I also see that bunny has his own issues and pain. I wonder if anyone else sees that. I don't think it would lessen their anger though. It really isn't a reason to forgive him; it's just an explanation of his actions.
And once I realize how screwed up bunny's mind is and how he seems to have taken a liking to me, I have to wonder; am I jsut as messed up as he is? Do I lack the emotions that go along with my reasoning? I look back and am reminded of when I said something about suicide to a friend and how I seemed to lack the emotional connection attched to the reasoning behind saying what I said. I hope I am not like bunny. I fear, though, that I am. But am I? I may never know.
I told myself I wasn't getting involved but eventually I began to feel involved because at the heart of it all I can see that bunny has a fundamental cognitive block missing which would allow him to have the natural laws govern him the way the rest of us are. Most of society is governed by a higher law of ethics and behaviors.
We all knew that what Hitler did was wrong and at the heart we knew tht Hitler knew he was acting "wrong" as well. This is this code that we all believe in. We all have at our core a power that wills us to have to justify ourselves when we break this code. Like I cut in line because my daughter is sick or whatever.
Quickly after joining dbsa bunny began to pm me. I responded and since I wasn't keeping a real close eye on the boards I wasn't aware of his character right away. It took me some time and a lot of pms from him to discover the anti-social personality that began to emerge across the boards. I began to see a man who truly wanted the world to see things as they "really are" because in some way he believes that that is the only way to help people. He truly thinks that by "making people" see the error of their perspectives that he is aiding them to wellness.
If he had the same code as the rest of us he would know that harassing, belittling, aggravating, teasing, sarcasm, veiled venom, etc are all offensive to people. The problem is that he does not have the ability to feel about reasoning that happens in his brain. The ability is not there and as such he cannot see what others see so clearly. Others see the "wrongness" of his posts and his very center reaks of arrogance but sadly because he doesn't feel the reasoning behind his arrogance he does not see it as such. Sad really.
I think that my anger first was raised as I saw that he refused to support the person requesting support. At the heart of all my philosophies is the belief that one must express and feel unconditional positive regard towards others that they truly care about or wish to support. This is at the base of all the psychological things I live.
I strongly believe that unconditional positive regard is the only way one truly helps another motive towards inspiration. If bunny had truly wanted to help the person asking for help and had he been able to truly help, he would have gone about it very differently.
When I finally realized what was going on when bunny asked me for support I had to tell him off. The funny thing and the thing I am still baffled by is that he has not bashed me in any way. He continues to talk to me civilly and actually shows interest in me and even seems to like me. This baffles me becasue I tell him he should stop talking to everyone and walk away and I tell him politely what is what but somehow I am not attcked the way others are. He says I am a natural leader. I feel compilmented but also curious. Why is it that I have not stirred him up like the others have?
There are a couple people that have pissed me off over time from the boards but it is interesting because in the end we always remained friends and sometimes I was even corrected and admitted it. I think it is odd tha bunny cannot see what Nara put so clearly into words. Out of anyone I think she is the msot competent at pointing out the logic and rationale of it all. I think it was very well put but even then somehow bunny could not see it but when I say it he takes it. Why?
Why does he listen to me and no one else? I have to wonder. Is it my refusal to bash others even when they offend me? Is it my ability to never get involved? I objectively stand aside and can see everything that everyone brings to the table and why they react the way they do and it all makes perfect sense; like a puzzle that fits together perfectly.
Bunny seems to have such an issue with women and yet when he finds me he is totally ok with me and even when he finds I have met a girl and have feelings for women he just takes it. It baffles me. I wonder why. I know I may never find the reason but the question will continue to spin quietly in the back of my mind.
The fight seems to continue on the thread and it seems that no one realized that they were handing ammo to bunny by responding until jsut recently. I wish that I could have prevented all this fighting and conflict because it pains me to witness but I think that if it hadn't happened now it woulda happened at some point later, given the personality of bunny. I see why people were so offended and I wish I could have prevented that but I realize that by choosing to be impartial I had to keep out of it all. I could not tkae sides and still respect myself.
But even in refusing to take sides I wonder if I have taken sides. I care deeply for many that were attacked by bunny and I think they had many points that were quite valid but I also see that bunny has his own issues and pain. I wonder if anyone else sees that. I don't think it would lessen their anger though. It really isn't a reason to forgive him; it's just an explanation of his actions.
And once I realize how screwed up bunny's mind is and how he seems to have taken a liking to me, I have to wonder; am I jsut as messed up as he is? Do I lack the emotions that go along with my reasoning? I look back and am reminded of when I said something about suicide to a friend and how I seemed to lack the emotional connection attched to the reasoning behind saying what I said. I hope I am not like bunny. I fear, though, that I am. But am I? I may never know.
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