Nightmares

Night terrors. Not something I relish the thought of as I go to bed. I think since I am on the meds now it is almost worse when I actually do have the night terrors because I feel so sluggish and tired that I always seem to be paralyzed in fear. I just hate them and it makes me want to go sleepless for days. The little kid in me seems to think that their is still real danger and if only I could get to a safely locked place then it would drag out the enemies time getting to me, not that locks ever did much as a kid. Sigh. I don't think I will ever feel completely safe. Sometimes I want to call someone in those moments of absolute panic but I know no one would get it and it would be annoying and well I am done involving people in this BS now. I know it's my biz and I jsut sort of swallow it and pretend that I am tough.

I guess it's really a facade though. I know I'm not tough. A tough person would not fear things the way I do. When I'm with Phil I know I'm safe. I guess it's that kind os safe feeling that I am so drawn to. Not that his 6'4" build isn't intimidating but I think it's the measure of protectiveness that he shows of me that really gets me. Phil and I used to call each other in the middle of the night when we couldn't sleep. I know that he probably has the same thing going on because of the abuse he endured as a kid but he never says that that is why he calls. I am ok with that. I don't want to make him recount things. I know how painful that is. I just feel good knowing he will call me and talk to me if he feels unsafe. I feel like it is really a blessing to have someone in your life that gets you and really isn't afraid of anything about you.

I wake up and every single muscle in my body aches because I have been tightening them and flexing them in my sleep during a nightmare. I just shake like a leaf and wonder why it is I can't be man enough to just get over this stupidity and stop being a wuss long enough to get a good night's sleep. The knowledge that no one else is going to be there for me the way I need is sort of a freeing one now. I just do my own thing and take whatever comes as it comes and if I make it another day then I know it's cus of me and not some sad excuse for help.