Life is a race sometimes. Right now I am barely keeping up.

I didn't sleep well lastnight. I set my alarm for a reasonable sounding time but two hours after the alarm was supposed to go off I woke in a fog. I have been having these really painful headaches lately. I keep struggling to get to my sports psych class. I really should go. I like the class but for some reason I have been struggling to get up. Perhaps 9 really was a little too hopeful for my state?

I went to the testing center to take three tests and I asked the gal at the desk if my two chapters were on one test or if there were two tests for the class. She said there was one test for each chapter. I commenced test only to discover that they were both on the same test. I couldn't take the test back and I had only hard core studied for the one thus far. I was furious.

I got a C on the test and felt like punching the retard at the desk for not paying closer attention before giving me an answer. I hate BYU-I sometimes. I just do. Actually I hate school. I like when I do well and I really was going to be prepared for those tests. I feel cheated out of a grade I deserved. I am only taking four or five tests for that class so 1 C really does matter and I wanted an A in the class. I am doing so well this semester it would seem and to have that blow has taken some wind out of my sails.

I get discouraged by such small things. I know I shouldn't feel like giving up but I do. I am still doing everything I am supposed to and the only class I am truly faltering in is sports psych because I haven't gone three times. It counts against me in that class to miss class and of course it's the one class I am missing. I wish I woulda just scheduled psych whenever but of course I was trying to put together the perfect schedule and thought one tiny slip wouldn't be so bad. I really don't do early classes. The funny thing is that I put together my schedule this way for a couple key reasons that never panned out. I did of course plan around the group on Wed but I had other reasons and those reasons feel so pointless now. I had scheduled to take Dan Barnes Psych class and when the prof changed I almost thought of dropping it for another semester but knew I needed to take it so here I am almost deja vu studying and taking the same tests again. I am going to force myself to go to sports psych Thurs. I am such a slacker sometimes.

We've been doing some family history research on marriages in our families for my marriage class and I am beginning to see some consistent patterns in my family. Lack of communication is a big barrier for the marriages. I think that it might even be the biggest one; after all, Allie and Amy got divorced for lack of communication among other reasons. I have noticed that dp seems to affect marriages too. I guess I have always known this but to actually see it is different somehow. I seriously think I am better off not getting married but there is a part of me that really wants to be a mother and spouse. I feel a tug and pull because of the whole lesbian fight but right now I feel it best to sit out the fight and just do school. After all, I have made it my life. I really want to do well and have made some goals towards that end. I have of course slipped on the attending all classes goal but well sometimes we mess up. That's why we have knees; so we can get back up and comtinue on.

I've made some goals towards fitness too. I registered for the Teton Dam Marathon ages ago to run in the 10K which is a feat for me since I haven't run a 10k since New Year's of '08 and even then it was a struggle. I love the First Run on new year's in Portland though. I have been trying to build my endurance better and get my time down. I have been running less than a 10K at the gym but am building up to the all impressive 10K. I know it will be a great triumph for me to run it and I am doing it to instill a sense of success and accomplishment in myself.

Btw, I wonder how many other people are depressed by the school's announcement of student deaths via email. It really is the weirdest thing I have ever heard. I remember the email about Travis. Of course there was no mention that he had committed suicide via pills and that his roommate didn't find him til he had been dead for hours. Sigh. I hate funerals. I hate that Our close friend Dave died recently. I hate that people suffer. He was a truly great and generous man and to hear my friend Zach play the piano via recording from Mexico really broke my heart. It seems that death has touched all of the people I grew up with in ways that people don't often experience death. Allison dying of cancer in her twenties and leaving her little girl and husband in law school was pretty shaking for me.

I worry about my grandfather that I love so dearly because he has had cancer(now in remission) and has diabetes, and has had stints put in arteries. I just worry because I don't know what I will do when that day comes that I lose my grandparents. I love them both and they have been parental figures in my life. The fondest memories I have in my life are times spent with them. And...right on cue the faucet turns on. Sigh. Time to do something else.

I feel gooooood...

I was tired yesterday around 6pm so I told myself I was going to take a nap...I woke up at 10:30pm. Ya, I tend to sleep a lot. Dang. Then I was up for about an hour, took my pills, then went back to a listless sleep til 9am. I had nightmares and felt sort of in between sleep and consciousness most of the time. I heard a voice that wasn't there the other day and it freaked me out but pdoc doesn't seem so concerned so I am trying to not feel crazy. I feel ok despite the lack of restful sleep which is odd because I used to get all distraught about it and have a whole bad day ahead when that happened. Guess the meds really are stablizing my mood. That's a good thing.

I have been spending the morning doing homework and getting a lot done which is helping me stay calm. I like being on top of stuff. I don't like feeling behind or like I am rushed because of procrastination. Phil hasn't been around the last few days because we both are busy doing homework that just keeps coming. He has been exhausted lately. Poor guy. Guess he really isn't getting enough sleep. He deserves a good massage or two.

I really do feel like I have a stable handle on life and it FEELS GOOD! I am shocked that all it took was a mood stablizer and a beta blocker. I knew those AD were fucking me over! I don't even know what to do with this new person I feel I am. Hmmmm...go hiking? Fix my crippled bike? Can't find the right hex wrench though, darn it! I'm off to the gym soon to feel good over there!

Nightmares

Night terrors. Not something I relish the thought of as I go to bed. I think since I am on the meds now it is almost worse when I actually do have the night terrors because I feel so sluggish and tired that I always seem to be paralyzed in fear. I just hate them and it makes me want to go sleepless for days. The little kid in me seems to think that their is still real danger and if only I could get to a safely locked place then it would drag out the enemies time getting to me, not that locks ever did much as a kid. Sigh. I don't think I will ever feel completely safe. Sometimes I want to call someone in those moments of absolute panic but I know no one would get it and it would be annoying and well I am done involving people in this BS now. I know it's my biz and I jsut sort of swallow it and pretend that I am tough.

I guess it's really a facade though. I know I'm not tough. A tough person would not fear things the way I do. When I'm with Phil I know I'm safe. I guess it's that kind os safe feeling that I am so drawn to. Not that his 6'4" build isn't intimidating but I think it's the measure of protectiveness that he shows of me that really gets me. Phil and I used to call each other in the middle of the night when we couldn't sleep. I know that he probably has the same thing going on because of the abuse he endured as a kid but he never says that that is why he calls. I am ok with that. I don't want to make him recount things. I know how painful that is. I just feel good knowing he will call me and talk to me if he feels unsafe. I feel like it is really a blessing to have someone in your life that gets you and really isn't afraid of anything about you.

I wake up and every single muscle in my body aches because I have been tightening them and flexing them in my sleep during a nightmare. I just shake like a leaf and wonder why it is I can't be man enough to just get over this stupidity and stop being a wuss long enough to get a good night's sleep. The knowledge that no one else is going to be there for me the way I need is sort of a freeing one now. I just do my own thing and take whatever comes as it comes and if I make it another day then I know it's cus of me and not some sad excuse for help.