Sleep and Dissociating

I have been weighing my options and what I will do from here on out and I keep thinking about everything seemingly even when I'm trying to sleep. Not that I sleep much these days. I seem to toss so much that I incur bruises and/or sore muscles. I wake up all night sometimes to fragments of nightmares and other times I just feel a gripping feeling of panic but no memory exists of a dream. I used to have a recurring nightmare where my dad was trying to kill my brother and me. It was always in the middle of the night and he had a butcher knife. I don't wake up with those kinds of vivid memories anymore though. I think the dissociation may be drifting over into my dreaming. 

I wish I felt safe somewhere. I mean I never feel safe no matter where I am sleeping. I think about moving out but really it would make little difference except that I would have to pay rent. I don't know that I will ever feel fully healed from my PTSD. I think sometimes the hardest part is not having family that support me. My mom has told so many lies over the years to my siblings about me that I just don't trust that passive aggressive woman anymore. Sometimes I latch onto guys and make them my world in some ways in an attempt to feel some kind of connection but honestly I am not so sure I feel many connections to people or life these days.

I feel like I am on the verge of taking a bunch of meds and going to bed. I think; "Hmmm, what would Ritalin, Vicodin, Cymbalta, Zoloft, Ambien, Tylenol, Advil, Sudafed, etc all do when combined in large doses?" I know this is just so far over the edge but this if where my mind goes and I sometimes feel so utterly alone when I wake up from nightmares that I consider this a very likely possibility. Sigh. People who live with significant others can't possibly feel this alone. Sometimes I realize how fucking weak I am and I just get angry and then I think I deserve such indescribable torture. I really should get rid of the many many blades I own but I like cooking...

And...I just came out of dissociating. Seems to be the only place where things don't suck or hurt.