I've been dreading sleep again. I'm not even quite sure why the flare up of fear has occurred. I just haven't been sleeping well the last few days and have been struggling to keep up with day to day things though at times I much to do I feel quite dispassionate about doing it. I have been having the night terrors/nightmares more. I have been cleaning a lot and I guess that is a sign that I feel out of control in my environment or so it's been in the past. I have been having a hard time focusing on studying again too. I have been doing so well at staying on top of classes these first two weeks of class but I am finding myself unconcerned about missing classes again and well I just keep forcing myself to go but even when I do that I still don't get much from it.
I find myself almost entirely issolated and I have been trying to pinpoint factors. What comes to mind is my growing social anxiety. I seem to have issues being in front of people more than ever. I don't even want to sit in the front of a class. I feel like staying home and studying rather than going to fhe. I mean sure maybe it would be ok but I care a whole lot more about school than any church function and well my heart just isn't in it. I think that people are great but I seem to be pulling away from them more and more. I don't pocess the capabilities to give people the kind of reactions/relationships they want. I am apathetis towards most things they talk about and am struggling too much to make my own way through my day. Unless someone spikes my attention I find myself tuning them out. I know that is cruel but I seem pretty unable to stop myself from tuning things out these days. I even find myself tuning out my annoying professors. I would rather stay home and study the books than listen to them.
I know that I am jsut naturally someone who like their space and alone time but I am wondering how bad it is or if it's a sign of my depression that I am so issolated. I know in the past being issolated has been a sign of severe depression but now that I'm on meds I feel like I am handling things ok. I know that issolation alos can make my depression worse but I am not so sure that this time all of that applies.
I guess my feeling of being so different from those around me keeps me from socializing too. I like sports cus people in them seem more open to people talking about things openly. In high school it wasn't uncommon for the whole team to talk about issues at home or at school. We jsut all were honest about stuff and open. We knew that the left fielder in softball had an alcoholic dad. We jsut knew and it was no big deal. We watched out for each other. I like that about sports. So much of it transfers to real life. I think that is why I am so attracted to being a ref, coach, captain, and athlete. I know that it is because of sports that I have become so much the person I am today. I may not have been the best batter on the team but I knew my place and I knew I was included. On swim team I knew that my best was ok and I could always feel a winner when I really knew I had given my all. It isn't like that in school or real life most times. It's all about the outcome and not so much about the process or the experience.
Although I quit competitive volleyball I am still going to play on some rec teams because I think I need to atleast be playing sports a couple times a week. I just seem to do better in life when I am playing sports. I may not have the time or emotional availability to play competitive but I still have a need to be out there playing. I like that I work in sports too. Makes me happy on the days I am reffing. I wish that people realized jsut how much sports could help people. I think that it would be the coolest thing ever to be a part of an organization that got people with MI involved in sports of all levels. I knwo that as long as competition was equal between teams and members that the benefits would occur. Helps people develop integrity, coping skills, learn to achieve, build self esteem, work together, etc. I wouldn't be the open, honest, strong person I am today without sports. Sports gives me a place where there were no limitations to the things I can do.
