Diabetes wishes it was as strong as me...

Lets see...I have been a leaky faucet lately. I found out today that my diabetes has been worsened by the Risperdal. Hell the old pdoc didn't even properly warn me and I have gained twenty lbs which is just disgusting. I feel awful but not in a normal dp kind of way; more like a I can't control my friggin body kinda way. I hate it. I know if I go off the Risperdal I will be way dp again and that thought is real bad. I don't think I can go back to that place especially when I am in a place where I might change tdocs due to the current one being a tool who falls asleep in session.

Sigh. I hate that I feel so powerless. I really was beginning to feel like my life was getting into order again. I mean I felt capable of school, work, sports, etc but now...I jsut feel like I should quit volleyball but apparently they are still keeping me atleast til I make up my mind on Saturday at the tournament. I keep crying and it sucks but I don't even try to hold back anymore; I just let the tears flow because I feel them and why not let them exist?

Now I am adding insulin to the Rhinocort, Zertex, Risperdal, and Propanolol that I take daily currently. I love life. Well I do love parts. I love volleyball. I love sunsets. I love the beach. I just hate meds and I hate ptsd and dp. I do love Phil, not that we have a lot of time to see each other anymore. Sigh. Sometimes I just don't tell him things and I have no idea why. Why is it I don't tell him how bad things are? I guess I am afraid if I show him how scared I am at times and he doesn't show me love than I feel like something has been ripped inside.

I have been trying so valiantly to keep up with school but I am feeling the strain. I am going to see X Men:Origins with my two roommates though so atleast I am still trying to do fun things for myself. I have so much to do this weekend though. SO much religion homework. I feel like I am being slowly crushed. I dissociated in English today and suddenly I realized it and felt so sad that it happened but happy that it seemed a while since I had done it. I count one day without dissociating now as normal instead of abnormal. It's nice. Nice to go a whole day present. I don't lose earings anymore. Silly but something I like. I feel more vitality as a person now. The meds have given me new life and now to wonder if I have to take that away just makes me cry. I want to be alive in my own life and living every breath instead of waiting each moment for feelings to pass as I resist a lifeless feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness.

I'm working on a paper about CS Lewis for english and I feel I can do it. A month ago that wouldn't have happened nor would I have felt capable. I am going to classes and I am eating and most exalting...I'm sleeping! I'm really sleeping. I'm sleeping. Oh what a glorious thing to say outloud. I want to shout it from the roof of my apt! I mean hell I have never in my life woken like this and not thought a second thought before leaping out of bed to start the day! All these years eating breakfast was hard for lack of sleep but now I wake up 8/9am and I eat and I read and I watch tv, I do homework and I actually EASE into my day instead of JUMPING.

If there is a god he must be a cruel one I swear. Ya? Anyone felt that way? I mean dude seriously the only med that made me non-suicidal made me shoot my blood sugar levels near triple what they should be and gain twenty lbs??? Argh!!

Brighter thought: my bike parts should be here today so I can fix it and take a spin down to the mountain for a little biking. I can't wait. I need to feel a little wind on my face and sun on my arms.

Dissociation has overcome me...

I know I am different. I am not sure exactly how yet, I am still trying to figure it out. I know something has changed; something beyond my change of pace and pattern of going back to school. I feel like I have less interest than ever before. I feel like even when it comes to deep and powerful things that I simply don't care. I am going to ask Dan(tdoc) to up my dosage of the new Risperdal in hopes that it will be more powerful against my dp/ptsd. I know that I felt better even if only in certain ways to start but now I feel I need more. I am still not ok and yes I know I need intensive therapy. I sometimes realize why relationships never work for me; I am too busy putting all my energy into therapy and meds to really give a ton of thought to people around me. I haven't been sleeping well the last few days and maybe that contributes to my lack of feeling. I simply may not have the emotion to spare of things besides my wellness.

After working out hardcore today I realize again how powerful it is on me. I felt a sudden focus on my faculties. I mean perhaps it isn't the answer ultmiately but it definitely changes things when I force myself to run "just 5 more minutes" until it has been thirty or fourty five. I know that volleyball will be my saving grace this semester at school. I am not all that forward with people about how much my MI affects my overall self but really it penetrates every fiber of what I do and fundamentally am. I need to see Dan. God I see just how much today esp as I have felt this fog so heavy. I was shocked by my bff's call about her bf getting a different girl pregnant. I wanted to be there for her but realized quickly that I am in no place to help anyone. Part of the problem is that I associate helping others with living a meaningful life and without it I feel worthless. I sometimes don't have the energy to help though. I have been dissociating and can't even talk to people in a sentence. This is worse than usual.

Sleep and Dissociating

I have been weighing my options and what I will do from here on out and I keep thinking about everything seemingly even when I'm trying to sleep. Not that I sleep much these days. I seem to toss so much that I incur bruises and/or sore muscles. I wake up all night sometimes to fragments of nightmares and other times I just feel a gripping feeling of panic but no memory exists of a dream. I used to have a recurring nightmare where my dad was trying to kill my brother and me. It was always in the middle of the night and he had a butcher knife. I don't wake up with those kinds of vivid memories anymore though. I think the dissociation may be drifting over into my dreaming. 

I wish I felt safe somewhere. I mean I never feel safe no matter where I am sleeping. I think about moving out but really it would make little difference except that I would have to pay rent. I don't know that I will ever feel fully healed from my PTSD. I think sometimes the hardest part is not having family that support me. My mom has told so many lies over the years to my siblings about me that I just don't trust that passive aggressive woman anymore. Sometimes I latch onto guys and make them my world in some ways in an attempt to feel some kind of connection but honestly I am not so sure I feel many connections to people or life these days.

I feel like I am on the verge of taking a bunch of meds and going to bed. I think; "Hmmm, what would Ritalin, Vicodin, Cymbalta, Zoloft, Ambien, Tylenol, Advil, Sudafed, etc all do when combined in large doses?" I know this is just so far over the edge but this if where my mind goes and I sometimes feel so utterly alone when I wake up from nightmares that I consider this a very likely possibility. Sigh. People who live with significant others can't possibly feel this alone. Sometimes I realize how fucking weak I am and I just get angry and then I think I deserve such indescribable torture. I really should get rid of the many many blades I own but I like cooking...

And...I just came out of dissociating. Seems to be the only place where things don't suck or hurt.

Depression, PTSD, and Dissociation

I have been thinking a lot about this new DBT Clinic and what it would mean for me. I really really don't want to stop seeing my current therapist but you know sometimes I think I get too comfortable with her. I know I got my tattoo for myself but I know my therapist played a large part in that. Sometimes I think we are too comfortable with each other for a counselor/client relationship. I seem to be experiencing deeper affects of PTSD lately which has led to more study and research on my part. Some of my findings;

What are the symptoms of Complex PTSD?

Alterations in consciousness

This includes things such as as forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body.

What other difficulties do those with Complex PTSD tend to experience?

• Survivors may avoid thinking and talking about trauma-related topics because the feelings associated with the trauma are often overwhelming.
• Survivors may use alcohol and substance abuse as a way to avoid and numb feelings and thoughts related to the trauma.
• Survivors may also engage in self-mutilation and other forms of self-harm

Many people with PTSD tend to re-experience the ordeal that set the disease in motion, especially when they are exposed to events or objects reminiscent of the trauma. Anniversaries of the event can also trigger symptoms. People with PTSD also experience emotional numbness, sleep disturbances, anxiety, intense guilt, depression, irritability, or outbursts of anger.

 I seem to be angry a lot lately and in almost an uncontrollable rage sort of way. I have been getting really livid with people when they don't understand me. I seem to be easily set off too. I was never an angry person but lately I just don't know.