Dude, I Think Meds are the Bomb...

I've been having nightmares again. It's odd though because I don't fully come out of sleep anymore so the panic is more in the dream than out. I have been waking up sweating but freezing. Odd. I have these nightmares where I am always striving to protect people who cannot protect themselves and in the end the impending doom is eminent and I end up with complete panic coursing through my veins. I know these dreams are saying something. I am just not sure what. I have dreams about dying and about my father. I really do know I can be safe somewhere but the one place I can never be safe is my dreams. I wish that I could somehow feel at peace in sleep but I do not. Atleast it is not as bad as when I was at home. Grinding one's teeth to the point of requiring a dentist's intervention really sucks. I hate dentists and I hate the pain of waking to a locked jaw. I remember the first time I spent the night with someone who told me "Hey dude you grind your teeth like a maniac." I think as time as gone by and I have gone to safe places and found safer people I have relaxed more but my BFF still says she feels me twitching andhears me grinding my teeth in my sleep.

So I don't really let people in but I let in a few still and sometimes those few end up really hurting me still. I think I made a big mistake trying to give Phil another chance. The guy is still sneaking around with other girls. It's not even that I would mind if he did see other girls, hell he could even be sleeping with them, I jsut want to know about it and not be lied to. He knows all this and yet I still find him with a girl this week. It was completely by accident and only by spontaneous action that I even had the chance to see. I mean he knew he was in deep shiz I think because he did that glazed over look. So, he texts me today you know asking if I'm ok how I'm doing and trying to hint that he wanted to hang out. I just let it go and wouldn't say anything specific, said I had hw which was true and didn't go see him. I was hanging out with a les friend and we were trying to move a bookcase from one apt to another two blocks away and it was proving rather tough so I call him to ask him to help. He of course doesn't pick up. Big surprise. He is pouting again. I don't even care. That is the thing. He tries so hard to get me to care about lame drama and I just don't. So friend tries calling him even though I say dude just leave it. He calls her back but she doesn't pick up. Whatever. She is a good friend. Sticks up for me and shiz. I guess it is pretty much over with Phil cus I aint doing this drama this semester. I got enough on my plate and the agreement was to be low key and no drama which he broke.

I realized that my TAing is at the same time as my tdoc appt which since I only saw him once so far isn't all that crazy that I wouldn't realize but anyway realized I won't be able to see him this week either which I am surprisingly fine with. I usually flip if I miss an appt with docs but I am fine. The new medicated Sher is way chill like a chic who's been smoking weed and just chillin on the porch. I just am like whatevs man. I did get all my hw done today so this next week I have to study for a couple tests but shouldn't be too bad.

I am surprised how much I don't feel the need for people these days. I just don't socialize and I am fine. It's way different cus I used to have to talk to atleast my bff but now I can go days without talking to people and I'm fine. I don't even speak in class and I'm totally chill. I guess I jsut realized people don't really live up to my expectations or something. I have no idea. I don't even have expectations anymore though. I think about how I am going to do this or that but I don't stress and I don't think about heavy stuff all that much. I am jsut relaxing and then I think about how I could totally mess myself up and then I am like nope it's all good man. I guess the meds are working a good deed on me. I feel like a totally different person but hey it's all good. I think I still have personality but perhaps I am a little flat though in a really good way. It's not that I am not present cus I am totally present, I'm jsut not concerned or worried bout nothing. Go with the flow man...

Meds

Atypical Anitpsychotics:

Aripiprazole (marketed as Abilify)
Clozapine (marketed as Clozaril)
Olanzapine (marketed as Zyprexa)
Olanzapine/Fluoxetine (marketed as Symbyax)
Risperidone (marketed as Risperdal)
Quetiapine (marketed as Seroquel)
Ziprasidone (marketed as Geodon)

all increase blood sugar levels and diabetes

Diabetes wishes it was as strong as me...

Lets see...I have been a leaky faucet lately. I found out today that my diabetes has been worsened by the Risperdal. Hell the old pdoc didn't even properly warn me and I have gained twenty lbs which is just disgusting. I feel awful but not in a normal dp kind of way; more like a I can't control my friggin body kinda way. I hate it. I know if I go off the Risperdal I will be way dp again and that thought is real bad. I don't think I can go back to that place especially when I am in a place where I might change tdocs due to the current one being a tool who falls asleep in session.

Sigh. I hate that I feel so powerless. I really was beginning to feel like my life was getting into order again. I mean I felt capable of school, work, sports, etc but now...I jsut feel like I should quit volleyball but apparently they are still keeping me atleast til I make up my mind on Saturday at the tournament. I keep crying and it sucks but I don't even try to hold back anymore; I just let the tears flow because I feel them and why not let them exist?

Now I am adding insulin to the Rhinocort, Zertex, Risperdal, and Propanolol that I take daily currently. I love life. Well I do love parts. I love volleyball. I love sunsets. I love the beach. I just hate meds and I hate ptsd and dp. I do love Phil, not that we have a lot of time to see each other anymore. Sigh. Sometimes I just don't tell him things and I have no idea why. Why is it I don't tell him how bad things are? I guess I am afraid if I show him how scared I am at times and he doesn't show me love than I feel like something has been ripped inside.

I have been trying so valiantly to keep up with school but I am feeling the strain. I am going to see X Men:Origins with my two roommates though so atleast I am still trying to do fun things for myself. I have so much to do this weekend though. SO much religion homework. I feel like I am being slowly crushed. I dissociated in English today and suddenly I realized it and felt so sad that it happened but happy that it seemed a while since I had done it. I count one day without dissociating now as normal instead of abnormal. It's nice. Nice to go a whole day present. I don't lose earings anymore. Silly but something I like. I feel more vitality as a person now. The meds have given me new life and now to wonder if I have to take that away just makes me cry. I want to be alive in my own life and living every breath instead of waiting each moment for feelings to pass as I resist a lifeless feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness.

I'm working on a paper about CS Lewis for english and I feel I can do it. A month ago that wouldn't have happened nor would I have felt capable. I am going to classes and I am eating and most exalting...I'm sleeping! I'm really sleeping. I'm sleeping. Oh what a glorious thing to say outloud. I want to shout it from the roof of my apt! I mean hell I have never in my life woken like this and not thought a second thought before leaping out of bed to start the day! All these years eating breakfast was hard for lack of sleep but now I wake up 8/9am and I eat and I read and I watch tv, I do homework and I actually EASE into my day instead of JUMPING.

If there is a god he must be a cruel one I swear. Ya? Anyone felt that way? I mean dude seriously the only med that made me non-suicidal made me shoot my blood sugar levels near triple what they should be and gain twenty lbs??? Argh!!

Brighter thought: my bike parts should be here today so I can fix it and take a spin down to the mountain for a little biking. I can't wait. I need to feel a little wind on my face and sun on my arms.

I feel gooooood...

I was tired yesterday around 6pm so I told myself I was going to take a nap...I woke up at 10:30pm. Ya, I tend to sleep a lot. Dang. Then I was up for about an hour, took my pills, then went back to a listless sleep til 9am. I had nightmares and felt sort of in between sleep and consciousness most of the time. I heard a voice that wasn't there the other day and it freaked me out but pdoc doesn't seem so concerned so I am trying to not feel crazy. I feel ok despite the lack of restful sleep which is odd because I used to get all distraught about it and have a whole bad day ahead when that happened. Guess the meds really are stablizing my mood. That's a good thing.

I have been spending the morning doing homework and getting a lot done which is helping me stay calm. I like being on top of stuff. I don't like feeling behind or like I am rushed because of procrastination. Phil hasn't been around the last few days because we both are busy doing homework that just keeps coming. He has been exhausted lately. Poor guy. Guess he really isn't getting enough sleep. He deserves a good massage or two.

I really do feel like I have a stable handle on life and it FEELS GOOD! I am shocked that all it took was a mood stablizer and a beta blocker. I knew those AD were fucking me over! I don't even know what to do with this new person I feel I am. Hmmmm...go hiking? Fix my crippled bike? Can't find the right hex wrench though, darn it! I'm off to the gym soon to feel good over there!

A rough patch in my recovery

Been trying to figure out if something has triggered the last two days of bad nights and the only thing I see in common is the flipping door to my room that doesn't latch and opens in the middle of the night or when a roomie leaves for class early in the morning at like 7am. For me I wake up instantly to something like that with my heart racing and freaking out that someone is in my room. It really scares me and takes a while to calm down from. I went to bed at a descent hour lastnight but at 8:30 when I left for class it was as if I had never slept. I was so tired that it has taken til about half an hour ago to finally feel awake. I just am not getting enough sleep and this is frustrating to me because I am working really hard to do well in school and personal goals.

Today especially I notice myself rather emotionless but present. I am wondering if this is meds induced. I felt very present in my psych classes today but was bored and rather uninterested. I was more apathetic than anything. I used to feel passion about things and now I only feel the shadow of what used to be what I felt. I know it's still there but it has been buried far below the surface. I FEEL MEDICATED now. I don't want to live my life as a shadow of the person I once was. On the other hand I want to live and the meds are making that happen at the moment. I kind of like the feeling of being on drugs but I know that isn't a good thing.

So I've been gaining weight on the Risperdal and I am totally utterly depressed about it. I feel so sick to my stomach to even think that I have gained weight despite running my exercise routine into the ground. I just feel hungry and it's hard not to give in to that. Ugh. I'm almost too depressed to care. I am jsut trying to eat less and exercise more. Sigh. I feel disgusting.

Missed my night Risperdal...oops

So I was doing laundry lastnight and you know I was tired from all the running I did yesterday. I was surprised at the time that I had that much energy considered how depressed I have been but now I see that indeed I had NO energy because I crashed in the middle of my laundry at like 8pm. I was out cold. Tends to happen sometimes. I just get so tired that I don't know which way's up and I crash and realize later that I needed to do something. Well, this time I forgot my risperdal I take nightly. Sigh. And I was so fervent when I told my tdoc that I was taking them religiously. Dang. Well I took it this morning when I came to my senses and I am hoping for no side affects (ie sleepiness, dizziness) because I have a lot to do today. I know I need to be medicated so I have ot take it but having no side affects would be nice. Pretty please? To the med gods?

On the up side, I have been feeling slightly better the last two days. I've been running and lifting weights pretty hardcore. I jsut tell myself one more mile or 5 more minutes or whatever will keep me going and then I repeat the process. Kinda like what works with SI sometimes. Ten more minutes, rinse, repeat. I also have been getting atleast eight hours sleep but not more than ten. Seems to really make a difference. Also I am eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner as a rule. I mean I missed lunch yesterday unless you count a Nature Valley oats and honey bar. I never paid much attention to how my lifestyle affected me though the year I ran a triathlon and was working out everyday cept once a week I was pretty good. I had bad days and moments where I was depressed but mostly I was ok. I am going to really stick to this new routine of the meds and exercise with sleep and food. It seems to be breathing new life into me or something. Downside to the new meds: no dreams. Which means no good dreams though the night terrors I am fine without.

I guess I am feeling almost hopeful about the future and this is a feeling I had near forgotten. I guess sometimes there is jsut so thick a fog around that I forget that I have succeeded before and I can do it again. I mean I am capable of doin some great things. Everyone is, really. Funny how I was just about to give up and then suddenly I see that maybe I really have made some leaps ahead. I guess it's true what they say; after being in a dp cycle for so long you tend to be blind to your own progress or the affets things have on you for positive. Anyway I am actually looking forward to today....alert the media, I know. I know Phil is coming over later and I have my fun psych classes today and I just feel good. Good is a pretty awesome way to feel really. Strange. I had forgotten that I was capable of that one.