My fears...

I'm realizing a problem with me being live online the last few months. I am inconsistent. In person I never know what to say, I fumble for words, I get nervous, and I just seem like a different person. Somehow on paper(online) I am not so afraid of things. I don't care so much if someone is offended by me. I find myself feeling free somehow. I guess I feel like I own this space. I know that perhaps it is rather scary for people like Linds, who has known me for a clear decade, to read what I write because it really isn't the person you see in person.

I feel almost bad all of a sudden for the inconsistency. I guess I should be more real in real life. I feel real in real life but rather I suppose I should be more vocal. I never used to feel like an anxious person around others but suddenly I am tossing this idea around. I suppose I don't feel listened to IRL so I have found a great solace in writing online. I know that people care about me IRL but I never really get the chance to share who I am ona deep deep level. I'm not trying to shift the blame to other people cus God knows I certainly am to blame mostly.

I know that my fears tend to rule me in a lot of ways. I wonder why it is that I suddenly feel like such a fearful person. I suppose the feeling has been there all a long wehn I look back(oops. trying not to look back and beat myself with that particular club) anyway. I think it is important that I suddenly see that I actually haev quite a few fears that I neevr really saw before. I would think that me seeing them will allow me to face them and somehow make peace with them or deal with them but I suppose that is to be seen.

When I think about my fears I really come face to face with my fear of rejection. I do not think myself one to hide the real me though at times I must because there are certainly people I don't allow to really know me. I fear not being enough. I think that that feeling has often been there as residual residue of my childhood and never being good enough for my father's words or love. I know that I have made leaps and bounds in coming to terms with that fear when it comes ot my father but I know that there is still so much that I have not been able to confront outloud.

I fear being alone. I know this is an odd fear for someone who spends so much of their time alone but there it is. I want to have a choice. I want the choice to be there that I could be with someone else or be alone but I do not often get the choice either way. I either am forced to be with people(ie class, being around faimly as a kid, etc) or am not given the choice to be with others(they are busy, unavailable, not dating anyone, etc). I am ok with silence and solitude but sometimes those things can be deafening in an oddly poignant way. I sometimes feel like I cannot breathe in the emptiness around me. Sometimes the silence is frightening and I don't even knwo why.

I am not always sure of my fears until I face them in the dark in a narrow alley but I know there are many and they are always there.