Dissociation has overcome me...

I know I am different. I am not sure exactly how yet, I am still trying to figure it out. I know something has changed; something beyond my change of pace and pattern of going back to school. I feel like I have less interest than ever before. I feel like even when it comes to deep and powerful things that I simply don't care. I am going to ask Dan(tdoc) to up my dosage of the new Risperdal in hopes that it will be more powerful against my dp/ptsd. I know that I felt better even if only in certain ways to start but now I feel I need more. I am still not ok and yes I know I need intensive therapy. I sometimes realize why relationships never work for me; I am too busy putting all my energy into therapy and meds to really give a ton of thought to people around me. I haven't been sleeping well the last few days and maybe that contributes to my lack of feeling. I simply may not have the emotion to spare of things besides my wellness.

After working out hardcore today I realize again how powerful it is on me. I felt a sudden focus on my faculties. I mean perhaps it isn't the answer ultmiately but it definitely changes things when I force myself to run "just 5 more minutes" until it has been thirty or fourty five. I know that volleyball will be my saving grace this semester at school. I am not all that forward with people about how much my MI affects my overall self but really it penetrates every fiber of what I do and fundamentally am. I need to see Dan. God I see just how much today esp as I have felt this fog so heavy. I was shocked by my bff's call about her bf getting a different girl pregnant. I wanted to be there for her but realized quickly that I am in no place to help anyone. Part of the problem is that I associate helping others with living a meaningful life and without it I feel worthless. I sometimes don't have the energy to help though. I have been dissociating and can't even talk to people in a sentence. This is worse than usual.