Missed my night Risperdal...oops

So I was doing laundry lastnight and you know I was tired from all the running I did yesterday. I was surprised at the time that I had that much energy considered how depressed I have been but now I see that indeed I had NO energy because I crashed in the middle of my laundry at like 8pm. I was out cold. Tends to happen sometimes. I just get so tired that I don't know which way's up and I crash and realize later that I needed to do something. Well, this time I forgot my risperdal I take nightly. Sigh. And I was so fervent when I told my tdoc that I was taking them religiously. Dang. Well I took it this morning when I came to my senses and I am hoping for no side affects (ie sleepiness, dizziness) because I have a lot to do today. I know I need to be medicated so I have ot take it but having no side affects would be nice. Pretty please? To the med gods?

On the up side, I have been feeling slightly better the last two days. I've been running and lifting weights pretty hardcore. I jsut tell myself one more mile or 5 more minutes or whatever will keep me going and then I repeat the process. Kinda like what works with SI sometimes. Ten more minutes, rinse, repeat. I also have been getting atleast eight hours sleep but not more than ten. Seems to really make a difference. Also I am eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner as a rule. I mean I missed lunch yesterday unless you count a Nature Valley oats and honey bar. I never paid much attention to how my lifestyle affected me though the year I ran a triathlon and was working out everyday cept once a week I was pretty good. I had bad days and moments where I was depressed but mostly I was ok. I am going to really stick to this new routine of the meds and exercise with sleep and food. It seems to be breathing new life into me or something. Downside to the new meds: no dreams. Which means no good dreams though the night terrors I am fine without.

I guess I am feeling almost hopeful about the future and this is a feeling I had near forgotten. I guess sometimes there is jsut so thick a fog around that I forget that I have succeeded before and I can do it again. I mean I am capable of doin some great things. Everyone is, really. Funny how I was just about to give up and then suddenly I see that maybe I really have made some leaps ahead. I guess it's true what they say; after being in a dp cycle for so long you tend to be blind to your own progress or the affets things have on you for positive. Anyway I am actually looking forward to today....alert the media, I know. I know Phil is coming over later and I have my fun psych classes today and I just feel good. Good is a pretty awesome way to feel really. Strange. I had forgotten that I was capable of that one.

Sleep and Dissociating

I have been weighing my options and what I will do from here on out and I keep thinking about everything seemingly even when I'm trying to sleep. Not that I sleep much these days. I seem to toss so much that I incur bruises and/or sore muscles. I wake up all night sometimes to fragments of nightmares and other times I just feel a gripping feeling of panic but no memory exists of a dream. I used to have a recurring nightmare where my dad was trying to kill my brother and me. It was always in the middle of the night and he had a butcher knife. I don't wake up with those kinds of vivid memories anymore though. I think the dissociation may be drifting over into my dreaming. 

I wish I felt safe somewhere. I mean I never feel safe no matter where I am sleeping. I think about moving out but really it would make little difference except that I would have to pay rent. I don't know that I will ever feel fully healed from my PTSD. I think sometimes the hardest part is not having family that support me. My mom has told so many lies over the years to my siblings about me that I just don't trust that passive aggressive woman anymore. Sometimes I latch onto guys and make them my world in some ways in an attempt to feel some kind of connection but honestly I am not so sure I feel many connections to people or life these days.

I feel like I am on the verge of taking a bunch of meds and going to bed. I think; "Hmmm, what would Ritalin, Vicodin, Cymbalta, Zoloft, Ambien, Tylenol, Advil, Sudafed, etc all do when combined in large doses?" I know this is just so far over the edge but this if where my mind goes and I sometimes feel so utterly alone when I wake up from nightmares that I consider this a very likely possibility. Sigh. People who live with significant others can't possibly feel this alone. Sometimes I realize how fucking weak I am and I just get angry and then I think I deserve such indescribable torture. I really should get rid of the many many blades I own but I like cooking...

And...I just came out of dissociating. Seems to be the only place where things don't suck or hurt.

Depression, PTSD, and Dissociation

I have been thinking a lot about this new DBT Clinic and what it would mean for me. I really really don't want to stop seeing my current therapist but you know sometimes I think I get too comfortable with her. I know I got my tattoo for myself but I know my therapist played a large part in that. Sometimes I think we are too comfortable with each other for a counselor/client relationship. I seem to be experiencing deeper affects of PTSD lately which has led to more study and research on my part. Some of my findings;

What are the symptoms of Complex PTSD?

Alterations in consciousness

This includes things such as as forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body.

What other difficulties do those with Complex PTSD tend to experience?

• Survivors may avoid thinking and talking about trauma-related topics because the feelings associated with the trauma are often overwhelming.
• Survivors may use alcohol and substance abuse as a way to avoid and numb feelings and thoughts related to the trauma.
• Survivors may also engage in self-mutilation and other forms of self-harm

Many people with PTSD tend to re-experience the ordeal that set the disease in motion, especially when they are exposed to events or objects reminiscent of the trauma. Anniversaries of the event can also trigger symptoms. People with PTSD also experience emotional numbness, sleep disturbances, anxiety, intense guilt, depression, irritability, or outbursts of anger.

 I seem to be angry a lot lately and in almost an uncontrollable rage sort of way. I have been getting really livid with people when they don't understand me. I seem to be easily set off too. I was never an angry person but lately I just don't know.