Feeling defeated...

I have been trying not to freak out about something recently. I have been losing my hair. Ya. Not kidding. Seems to be a permanent thing cus it's been happening about the last week and a half that I have noticed and it is freaking me out. I have no idea why it's happening or what is causing it. I am not a nervous kind of person so I just can't see it being cus of that. I can't seem to figure out what it could be from though and now I am contemplating cutting my hair really short cus this whole thing has got me spooked. I can't imagine hair loss being a side affect of my meds but perhaps I should check again.

I have felt agitated the last day or two. I jsut seem to be antsy and a little on edge. I find myself fiddling with a pen or compulsively flipping my phone back and forth between side ways and flipping up-I have a Samsung 740. I have been avoiding people pretty consistently and I am beginning to wonder if this is a really bad thing even if it is just the way I am. I haven't felt like being around my roommates much since they have a distain for each other and it seems I am the only barrier between a severe fight breaking out. I have been trying to stay positive but the whole diabetes thing is so much more than a simple fix. I bought some specific health foods to help but right now I feel pretty weak sauce since I work out and eat well but still seem to be gaining weight or atleast not losing the weight already gained. Perhaps it really is crazy but I am this close to beginning a daily regimine of puking after eating. I swear I am just too disgusted by this and I can't handle it anymore. I keeping thinking about how bad it is for me to puke but you know at this point I just can't figure out what else I can do. I guess it's time to take that drastic action just freak I aint gonna take it lying down.

Diabetes wishes it was as strong as me...

Lets see...I have been a leaky faucet lately. I found out today that my diabetes has been worsened by the Risperdal. Hell the old pdoc didn't even properly warn me and I have gained twenty lbs which is just disgusting. I feel awful but not in a normal dp kind of way; more like a I can't control my friggin body kinda way. I hate it. I know if I go off the Risperdal I will be way dp again and that thought is real bad. I don't think I can go back to that place especially when I am in a place where I might change tdocs due to the current one being a tool who falls asleep in session.

Sigh. I hate that I feel so powerless. I really was beginning to feel like my life was getting into order again. I mean I felt capable of school, work, sports, etc but now...I jsut feel like I should quit volleyball but apparently they are still keeping me atleast til I make up my mind on Saturday at the tournament. I keep crying and it sucks but I don't even try to hold back anymore; I just let the tears flow because I feel them and why not let them exist?

Now I am adding insulin to the Rhinocort, Zertex, Risperdal, and Propanolol that I take daily currently. I love life. Well I do love parts. I love volleyball. I love sunsets. I love the beach. I just hate meds and I hate ptsd and dp. I do love Phil, not that we have a lot of time to see each other anymore. Sigh. Sometimes I just don't tell him things and I have no idea why. Why is it I don't tell him how bad things are? I guess I am afraid if I show him how scared I am at times and he doesn't show me love than I feel like something has been ripped inside.

I have been trying so valiantly to keep up with school but I am feeling the strain. I am going to see X Men:Origins with my two roommates though so atleast I am still trying to do fun things for myself. I have so much to do this weekend though. SO much religion homework. I feel like I am being slowly crushed. I dissociated in English today and suddenly I realized it and felt so sad that it happened but happy that it seemed a while since I had done it. I count one day without dissociating now as normal instead of abnormal. It's nice. Nice to go a whole day present. I don't lose earings anymore. Silly but something I like. I feel more vitality as a person now. The meds have given me new life and now to wonder if I have to take that away just makes me cry. I want to be alive in my own life and living every breath instead of waiting each moment for feelings to pass as I resist a lifeless feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness.

I'm working on a paper about CS Lewis for english and I feel I can do it. A month ago that wouldn't have happened nor would I have felt capable. I am going to classes and I am eating and most exalting...I'm sleeping! I'm really sleeping. I'm sleeping. Oh what a glorious thing to say outloud. I want to shout it from the roof of my apt! I mean hell I have never in my life woken like this and not thought a second thought before leaping out of bed to start the day! All these years eating breakfast was hard for lack of sleep but now I wake up 8/9am and I eat and I read and I watch tv, I do homework and I actually EASE into my day instead of JUMPING.

If there is a god he must be a cruel one I swear. Ya? Anyone felt that way? I mean dude seriously the only med that made me non-suicidal made me shoot my blood sugar levels near triple what they should be and gain twenty lbs??? Argh!!

Brighter thought: my bike parts should be here today so I can fix it and take a spin down to the mountain for a little biking. I can't wait. I need to feel a little wind on my face and sun on my arms.