Feeling defeated...

I have been trying not to freak out about something recently. I have been losing my hair. Ya. Not kidding. Seems to be a permanent thing cus it's been happening about the last week and a half that I have noticed and it is freaking me out. I have no idea why it's happening or what is causing it. I am not a nervous kind of person so I just can't see it being cus of that. I can't seem to figure out what it could be from though and now I am contemplating cutting my hair really short cus this whole thing has got me spooked. I can't imagine hair loss being a side affect of my meds but perhaps I should check again.

I have felt agitated the last day or two. I jsut seem to be antsy and a little on edge. I find myself fiddling with a pen or compulsively flipping my phone back and forth between side ways and flipping up-I have a Samsung 740. I have been avoiding people pretty consistently and I am beginning to wonder if this is a really bad thing even if it is just the way I am. I haven't felt like being around my roommates much since they have a distain for each other and it seems I am the only barrier between a severe fight breaking out. I have been trying to stay positive but the whole diabetes thing is so much more than a simple fix. I bought some specific health foods to help but right now I feel pretty weak sauce since I work out and eat well but still seem to be gaining weight or atleast not losing the weight already gained. Perhaps it really is crazy but I am this close to beginning a daily regimine of puking after eating. I swear I am just too disgusted by this and I can't handle it anymore. I keeping thinking about how bad it is for me to puke but you know at this point I just can't figure out what else I can do. I guess it's time to take that drastic action just freak I aint gonna take it lying down.

A rough patch in my recovery

Been trying to figure out if something has triggered the last two days of bad nights and the only thing I see in common is the flipping door to my room that doesn't latch and opens in the middle of the night or when a roomie leaves for class early in the morning at like 7am. For me I wake up instantly to something like that with my heart racing and freaking out that someone is in my room. It really scares me and takes a while to calm down from. I went to bed at a descent hour lastnight but at 8:30 when I left for class it was as if I had never slept. I was so tired that it has taken til about half an hour ago to finally feel awake. I just am not getting enough sleep and this is frustrating to me because I am working really hard to do well in school and personal goals.

Today especially I notice myself rather emotionless but present. I am wondering if this is meds induced. I felt very present in my psych classes today but was bored and rather uninterested. I was more apathetic than anything. I used to feel passion about things and now I only feel the shadow of what used to be what I felt. I know it's still there but it has been buried far below the surface. I FEEL MEDICATED now. I don't want to live my life as a shadow of the person I once was. On the other hand I want to live and the meds are making that happen at the moment. I kind of like the feeling of being on drugs but I know that isn't a good thing.

So I've been gaining weight on the Risperdal and I am totally utterly depressed about it. I feel so sick to my stomach to even think that I have gained weight despite running my exercise routine into the ground. I just feel hungry and it's hard not to give in to that. Ugh. I'm almost too depressed to care. I am jsut trying to eat less and exercise more. Sigh. I feel disgusting.