Dear Travis,
Why'd you have to go? Why did you give up in the ultimate act? Why couldn't you find the words to tell me how bad things were? What has happened to you? How are things for you now? What did God say to you? Did he tell you that he still loves you despite what you did to all of us here who care so much about you? I know I feel the ache of the loss a lot sometimes and other times I feel like living a life of my own is the best I can do to honor the memory of you. Brandon calls me sometimes crying. I have held him in my arms as he bawled. I wonder sometimes if you could have seen that before you died, if you would still have done it.
I wonder sometimes if your parents knew what damage they were doing to you by making an ultimatum about you serving a mission. When you came home early you seemed to have an even more broken spirit. I tried to think of some way I could help you but I often said nothing at all. I regret that. I swore the day you lay in the casket that I would never pass a person up again who was suffering. I try to live my life by that oath I took.
Sometimes I think about death adn suicide and my thoughts turn to you. I think about the times growing up that we wrestled each other to the ground and teased each other in good fun. I think about how you struggled in school and often felt discouraged. I think about how much we all liked to make fun of princess brides. You know, "Mawmidge, is what brings us together, today...!" I guess looking back it was pretty stupid but I still look back. I know we did some stupid things and hey when I came to school at byui it was partially because of you. I started the Paramedic program just like you. I know you never made it and I wonder how many lives you would have saved had you finished.
It saddens me to know that you left me and Brandon and Russ here alone without you. It was hard in the town for a while. People felt the overwhelming gloom of it all. I was working at Sysco that summer, if you remember. I worked 70 hours a week on average. I think my job was the only thing that held me together that summer.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Song I feel today...
We All Fall Down
Diamond Rio
She says, you know the monkey bar rules
As she kisses away his playground bruise
You don’t have to skip a bar each time
To make it to the other side
She picked him up from out of the sand
Then tied the shoelace that read, superman
Chorus
We all fall down
It’s the gettin’ back up that really counts
We live and we learn
To help someone up when it’s their turn
In life there’s only one guarantee
Your feet won’t always be on the ground
‘cause we all fall down
She says I know what you’re goin’ through
As she talks to the door of her daughter’s room
Your heart feels like it’s broken in two
But, baby, I’m here for you
The door opened and she stepped inside
She put her arms around her and said, it’s ok to cry
Repeat chorus
He’s forty-five and his job is gone
Cleans out his desk and he heads on home
Sees his kids out playin’ in the yard
It’s been a while since he’s been hit so hard
He’s as scared as a man can be
He tells his wife and she says, honey, look at me
Repeat chorus
We all fall down
But you got to get back up
Diamond Rio
She says, you know the monkey bar rules
As she kisses away his playground bruise
You don’t have to skip a bar each time
To make it to the other side
She picked him up from out of the sand
Then tied the shoelace that read, superman
Chorus
We all fall down
It’s the gettin’ back up that really counts
We live and we learn
To help someone up when it’s their turn
In life there’s only one guarantee
Your feet won’t always be on the ground
‘cause we all fall down
She says I know what you’re goin’ through
As she talks to the door of her daughter’s room
Your heart feels like it’s broken in two
But, baby, I’m here for you
The door opened and she stepped inside
She put her arms around her and said, it’s ok to cry
Repeat chorus
He’s forty-five and his job is gone
Cleans out his desk and he heads on home
Sees his kids out playin’ in the yard
It’s been a while since he’s been hit so hard
He’s as scared as a man can be
He tells his wife and she says, honey, look at me
Repeat chorus
We all fall down
But you got to get back up
A fire
Devastating house fire due to suspected fireworks on my parents' street in Tualatin, Oregon. House completely destroyed while family was at church. Neighbor's started the fire and it spread to neighbors. Glad my family is ok and the fire didn't spread to their home, mostly because they are already struggling in so many ways. It makes me feel for my neighbors though especially because they are good god fearing people. There was an old man unaccounted for but later found. I hate devastating things like this. I don't like talking about death and loss. It strikes an all too familiar cord with me. It was only a few months ago that I went to Dave's funeral. Loss sucks. Losing one's home...I can't imagine. Reminds me how good people are so tried. People try hard to be wonderful and things like this happen. Makes me a little bitter.
Family
I was laying here and suddenly I could taste the cigarette residue enveloping my mouth. The musty chalky taste filling every taste bud and space of my nose. The whole thing was straight out of a dream. I felt like I was truly tasting ans smelling and covered in nicotine and smoke flavor. Goooooooood stuff. Man sometimes those addictions sneak up on you all hardcore and intense and BAM! you feel so tempted to erase however long you have gone without them. I have had many slips in my sobriety when I finally realized I needed to quit. I guess it just wasn't realistic to think I could quit on a whim or cold turkey. I feel on the verge of another slip and the only thin holding me back is my desire to stay in school. Without that...I don't know where I would be. Coming to college is what saved my life in the first place.
I know I should take credit for my sobriety but coming to a college where I knew I would get kicked out if I got caught, made me get sober fast. I have a high priority on living an honest life. None of us are perfect but it is important to me to live as close to completely honest as possible. I lie sometimes. Hell ask me how that dress looks and I will say good unless it really does look fabulous in which case I am likely to say wowzers! I just find it easier to lie sometimes. Like when you ask me how I am doing sometimes it is just better to say fine then have to explain how some stupid thing said three years ago is still eating away at my self confidence.
I have been thinking about family a lot lately. I have been reflecting on my own family a lot. I love my family. I know we are broken and torn apart but deep down there is a glue that holds the pieces of us together and that can't be ripped. Sometimes I think it has been, but it's there still. I feel betrayed by my parents for allowing porn in our home growing up but there comes a point when I look back and see that they did the best they could with what they had at the time. Knowing that they wanted to do what is right but somehow just failed, came up short, I can look at them with compassion and allow them that second chance, even if it comes in pieces.
I know that my parents failed as parents but I am willing to let them try to be my friend on an equal level as I have become an adult. I am slowly letting them earn some trust and respect here and there. I want them to be better. I want my dad to learn to control his temper and rage. I would like to see them go to marriage counseling instead of giving up. The giving up is what hurts the most. Seeing your parents just give up on their marriage is hard.
I think my parents have hit their 30th wedding anniversary now and after so long it seems such a horrible nightmare for it all to go away. Sometimes I think they are trying to save the marriage by going on dates and such but then they go back to their old ways and I feel so deep a sadness for them. I want a lifelong companion and yet they have one but have chosen to just give up on the relationship.
I think that marriage should be about love but I think it isn't because that is unrealistic. It is a contract. At some point in marriage there comes a point where you feel no positive regard for your spouse and what you choose to do in that moment defines you as a person as well as sets the precedent for the rest of your married life. Those who decide to serve their spouse even when they find they have lost feeling show their commitment, loyalty, and integrity. Those who choose to live as roommates, get divorced, or fight continually have shown that they do not fully understand those same three things.
Marriage teaches us to learn to love. We grow closer as the years go by, not that we find ourselves in the deepest place of love at the beginning and only maintain that love for the entirety of the marriage. You embark on a journey when you get married and then you change and grow. It only makes sense that the love would do the same: change and grow. That doesn't mean it doesn't fluctuate at times and go down, but it goes back up too.
Sometimes I feel like I have been given some endless ability to care about other people. I used to assume everyone felt that way I do about people but I have learned over the last 5 or whatever years that that is so far from the truth. First I learned that even though my brother is my brother he would sell me out in a heart beat if it meant no jail time for him. Second, I learned that selfishness comes number one in most people. I learned that through Dani the most but many people showed me the ropes on that one. It only takes looking in people's eyes to see that they look no farther than their own. Ok, I have to say right here that there are some key exceptions to a lot of the pessimism I feel about people.
As far as exceptions, my grandmother will always be a caring and compassionate woman in my heart. She volunteers at a thrift store as their accountant and has been doing it for years. I have seen the service she provides her community and have been in awe of her selflessness. If I could be more like her, I would be a better person. My grandmother has written me letters long and short of the years and through doing so has exhibited her ability to look beyond her own world. When I was a kid and my grandparents ran the alcohol stores I learned that my grandparents are no stranger to hard work and I realized how honest they are. I have always been impressed with my grandmother's integrity. The woman would still be the same in the dark of night when no one could see her. It is ingrained in the very fabric of her DNA to be honest.
Besides my grandmother a few people have shown they are good people. My grandfather is one. I sometimes wonder how my mother came from such good stock and somehow chose my father to marry. Odd thing to do. Of course my grandparents disapprove of him. He he. Good people.
So, family. The Luiz clan is pretty tight and always has been. I may have had parents who didn't parent but I have always had amazing aunts, grandparents, and cousins. Mom's side of the family might be drinkers and smoke weed but they are good, decent people. Every summer I went to stay with them all I felt that it was a shelter from the storm of life and home. I have never doubted the love they feel for me and I have always loved them in return. They are near and dear to my heart.
Sometimes I wonder what I will do in the future, whether I will have a family of my own. I think that having children would bring me great joy but it's the married part that kinda gets me. I mean struggling with what I do I guess I just would hate to see a man not be happy in marriage. I have seen my father so unhappy in his marriage for so long that I could not possibly watch that in my own spouse. Guess I am just reflecting a lot on family lately and what mine means to me.
Family can be friends we are stuck with and I just hope mine somehow works things out to the point that we can be friends and not just stuck.
I know I should take credit for my sobriety but coming to a college where I knew I would get kicked out if I got caught, made me get sober fast. I have a high priority on living an honest life. None of us are perfect but it is important to me to live as close to completely honest as possible. I lie sometimes. Hell ask me how that dress looks and I will say good unless it really does look fabulous in which case I am likely to say wowzers! I just find it easier to lie sometimes. Like when you ask me how I am doing sometimes it is just better to say fine then have to explain how some stupid thing said three years ago is still eating away at my self confidence.
I have been thinking about family a lot lately. I have been reflecting on my own family a lot. I love my family. I know we are broken and torn apart but deep down there is a glue that holds the pieces of us together and that can't be ripped. Sometimes I think it has been, but it's there still. I feel betrayed by my parents for allowing porn in our home growing up but there comes a point when I look back and see that they did the best they could with what they had at the time. Knowing that they wanted to do what is right but somehow just failed, came up short, I can look at them with compassion and allow them that second chance, even if it comes in pieces.
I know that my parents failed as parents but I am willing to let them try to be my friend on an equal level as I have become an adult. I am slowly letting them earn some trust and respect here and there. I want them to be better. I want my dad to learn to control his temper and rage. I would like to see them go to marriage counseling instead of giving up. The giving up is what hurts the most. Seeing your parents just give up on their marriage is hard.
I think my parents have hit their 30th wedding anniversary now and after so long it seems such a horrible nightmare for it all to go away. Sometimes I think they are trying to save the marriage by going on dates and such but then they go back to their old ways and I feel so deep a sadness for them. I want a lifelong companion and yet they have one but have chosen to just give up on the relationship.
I think that marriage should be about love but I think it isn't because that is unrealistic. It is a contract. At some point in marriage there comes a point where you feel no positive regard for your spouse and what you choose to do in that moment defines you as a person as well as sets the precedent for the rest of your married life. Those who decide to serve their spouse even when they find they have lost feeling show their commitment, loyalty, and integrity. Those who choose to live as roommates, get divorced, or fight continually have shown that they do not fully understand those same three things.
Marriage teaches us to learn to love. We grow closer as the years go by, not that we find ourselves in the deepest place of love at the beginning and only maintain that love for the entirety of the marriage. You embark on a journey when you get married and then you change and grow. It only makes sense that the love would do the same: change and grow. That doesn't mean it doesn't fluctuate at times and go down, but it goes back up too.
Sometimes I feel like I have been given some endless ability to care about other people. I used to assume everyone felt that way I do about people but I have learned over the last 5 or whatever years that that is so far from the truth. First I learned that even though my brother is my brother he would sell me out in a heart beat if it meant no jail time for him. Second, I learned that selfishness comes number one in most people. I learned that through Dani the most but many people showed me the ropes on that one. It only takes looking in people's eyes to see that they look no farther than their own. Ok, I have to say right here that there are some key exceptions to a lot of the pessimism I feel about people.
As far as exceptions, my grandmother will always be a caring and compassionate woman in my heart. She volunteers at a thrift store as their accountant and has been doing it for years. I have seen the service she provides her community and have been in awe of her selflessness. If I could be more like her, I would be a better person. My grandmother has written me letters long and short of the years and through doing so has exhibited her ability to look beyond her own world. When I was a kid and my grandparents ran the alcohol stores I learned that my grandparents are no stranger to hard work and I realized how honest they are. I have always been impressed with my grandmother's integrity. The woman would still be the same in the dark of night when no one could see her. It is ingrained in the very fabric of her DNA to be honest.
Besides my grandmother a few people have shown they are good people. My grandfather is one. I sometimes wonder how my mother came from such good stock and somehow chose my father to marry. Odd thing to do. Of course my grandparents disapprove of him. He he. Good people.
So, family. The Luiz clan is pretty tight and always has been. I may have had parents who didn't parent but I have always had amazing aunts, grandparents, and cousins. Mom's side of the family might be drinkers and smoke weed but they are good, decent people. Every summer I went to stay with them all I felt that it was a shelter from the storm of life and home. I have never doubted the love they feel for me and I have always loved them in return. They are near and dear to my heart.
Sometimes I wonder what I will do in the future, whether I will have a family of my own. I think that having children would bring me great joy but it's the married part that kinda gets me. I mean struggling with what I do I guess I just would hate to see a man not be happy in marriage. I have seen my father so unhappy in his marriage for so long that I could not possibly watch that in my own spouse. Guess I am just reflecting a lot on family lately and what mine means to me.
Family can be friends we are stuck with and I just hope mine somehow works things out to the point that we can be friends and not just stuck.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Put the lime in my coconut
People will tell you that only two things are certain in life: death and taxes. But oh be wise my friends for I must warn you of a third certainty in life: men will always be pigs. Sorry folks but the news flash is out. No more secrets. No more men trying to convince women that they idolize them only to degrade them after watching porno five seconds later. Women everywhere: do not be fooled. What could I possibly say more? If I was to give one piece of advice and only one it would be that: do not be fooled by men. If you choose to marry one of these pigs you are doing it knowingly and purposefully. Just saying. No complaining since I have now warned ya'll.
On a slightly differing topic; I have decided that I would rather be bald then deal with my hair for one more second. Seriously. I mean think about it. All that wasted time shampooing the stuff? Such a lot of money per year. I wish someone would figure it out so I could hold in my hand the evidence that points to the obvious: go bald. Seriously. Or atleast get a mohawk. I mean if given the choice between this current mess of things and the mohawk I would be all over that sexy mohawk. But...sadly it would be against the dress code, blah, blah, blah. Dang it.
I think I should take a vote amongst friends. Those in favor of me getting a mohawk say aye. Oh boy. I hear the overwhelming ayes. Or are those the voices that whisper constantly in my head. I forget. So anyway looks like I am transferring to another college and getting a mohawk.
A person can dream, right?
I sure am sick of hair though. Seems like I spend a lot of time and energy trying to make it look good. Dang straighteners and blow dryers and protecting cream and brushing it all the time. And...I'm losing my hair anyway so why the freak not make it awesome?!? Just a thought.
ADD. Please excuse. Mind wanders.
So I was thinking tonight, while staring off into space, how am I doing after a few days of NTMM? And the thought that came to me was this; "All my body parts are intact, I seem to be feeling emotion in an acceptable range, and I don't feel TOTALLY suicidal so...guess I am ok. Think I'm a little fuzzy on the edges though." My assessment of the situation is to continue the process and tackle life the way it was meant to be tackled...with feeling.
Oh and I am a cherry...guess I have gotten too little sun the last two years...I am a white white girl. Wish those lazy days on high school were back. I used to lay out and get the most golden tans all summer long and I had all the time and energy and emotion to work out 24/7. Oh the days of the past. Wish they would come back. Now I just attempt not to stress out too hard core about school while sipping the one thing that calms me down these days beside the tranquilizers: diet coke.
Since NTMM recently, I have noticed I am sleeping a lot less. I lay restless in bed for hours and even when I sleep it is never the deep penetrating sleep that I used to have OTM. I am waking up again with panic attacks. I don't want to admit that it is happening but it is. I just can't stand not to have emotion and to gain weight and to sleep so deep I miss classes. Guess I just feel like it's time to stretch those wings. Not like therapy helps so why even bother fixating on my issues anymore? I might as well stop thinking about the past. It's done. Shit happened, but it's done. Time to man up and move forward. A small part of me still needs a moment of silence to mourn the loss of those years though.
On a slightly differing topic; I have decided that I would rather be bald then deal with my hair for one more second. Seriously. I mean think about it. All that wasted time shampooing the stuff? Such a lot of money per year. I wish someone would figure it out so I could hold in my hand the evidence that points to the obvious: go bald. Seriously. Or atleast get a mohawk. I mean if given the choice between this current mess of things and the mohawk I would be all over that sexy mohawk. But...sadly it would be against the dress code, blah, blah, blah. Dang it.
I think I should take a vote amongst friends. Those in favor of me getting a mohawk say aye. Oh boy. I hear the overwhelming ayes. Or are those the voices that whisper constantly in my head. I forget. So anyway looks like I am transferring to another college and getting a mohawk.
A person can dream, right?
I sure am sick of hair though. Seems like I spend a lot of time and energy trying to make it look good. Dang straighteners and blow dryers and protecting cream and brushing it all the time. And...I'm losing my hair anyway so why the freak not make it awesome?!? Just a thought.
ADD. Please excuse. Mind wanders.
So I was thinking tonight, while staring off into space, how am I doing after a few days of NTMM? And the thought that came to me was this; "All my body parts are intact, I seem to be feeling emotion in an acceptable range, and I don't feel TOTALLY suicidal so...guess I am ok. Think I'm a little fuzzy on the edges though." My assessment of the situation is to continue the process and tackle life the way it was meant to be tackled...with feeling.
Oh and I am a cherry...guess I have gotten too little sun the last two years...I am a white white girl. Wish those lazy days on high school were back. I used to lay out and get the most golden tans all summer long and I had all the time and energy and emotion to work out 24/7. Oh the days of the past. Wish they would come back. Now I just attempt not to stress out too hard core about school while sipping the one thing that calms me down these days beside the tranquilizers: diet coke.
Since NTMM recently, I have noticed I am sleeping a lot less. I lay restless in bed for hours and even when I sleep it is never the deep penetrating sleep that I used to have OTM. I am waking up again with panic attacks. I don't want to admit that it is happening but it is. I just can't stand not to have emotion and to gain weight and to sleep so deep I miss classes. Guess I just feel like it's time to stretch those wings. Not like therapy helps so why even bother fixating on my issues anymore? I might as well stop thinking about the past. It's done. Shit happened, but it's done. Time to man up and move forward. A small part of me still needs a moment of silence to mourn the loss of those years though.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Panic comes upon you in a rush
A deep ache. A grasping-my-heart kind of throb. A tightening in the chest. A blow in the ribs. Forget deep breathing. Barely getting breathe out of the lungs. Not enough oxygen. Complete tenseness and flexing of the muscles in the shoulders and upper back. Cold sweaty hands. Numb feet and hands, traveling up the calves and forearms. A beating head. This is what a panic attack feels like, for me. Flashbacks.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
If each struggle is a journey today was a three day hike up a vertical mountain slope
I snapped. I tried not to. I strove to hold on. I held out for a longer time than in a long while but in the end; yes, I failed. I tried with all my might not to let seeing Rachel get to me so I shoved the thoughts out after writing but here I am not feeling so swell. I got through class, barely holding on. I did ok after that but then sometime in the evening something shifted and I fought to hang on. Then when I started to bring my volleyball team down I couldn't take it anymore.
Yesterday I QTMM which is kinda shush shush. I guess the part that pushed me towards that repeated path was MGW. I just hate that. I don't want to be one of those people in others' lives that in always in crisis or always coming to them for help so I am trying to do things on my own. I just don't ever want to be a burden the way I am to my family.
I guess what set me off initially today was Rachel but then at volleyball I just kept missing the digs and passing horribly and it torn me up. I hate off days. I get them maybe once a month and today just happened to be this one. If Tiff wasn't such a phenomenal player I coulda probably put myself in check but I lost control. I felt so outraged at myself for messing everything up and then I started getting mad at other people too. I try to maintain my cool and this time I did, but internally I felt like a volcano waiting to erupt. I don't like getting mad. I detest the very idea. I have always felt that anger and feeling it made me like my father.
I try to be more than my father is and was. I try in all I do to be better. I fail sometimes. Right now this blinding headache is a bad thing. I have been feeding off pain all day. I suppose I try to hide that sort of thing from people. Truth is, when I hit my fist against the stove on accident, I stood there soaking up the pain and it was calming. I know this is a bad sign because this means the SI is back. I can't afford to hurt myself anymore. I can't afford to let on to how I feel inside. It just isn't acceptable to me or anyone else. But a small part has crept back in and decided that SI is only a step away. Oh boy. Gotta hold it at bay.
I suppose GOMM has something to do with the sudden reappearance of the thoughts but I can't stand the other things happening so I keep on. Because what else am I to do?
I have been staying away from dbsa and haven't been to a tdoc in some time now and I feel like I am not even sure how I am doing but in some way not having someone to remind me of my MI I somehow seem to suck it up better. Isn't that what everyone wants me to do? Suck it up? Tough it out? Get over it? Etc.
I don't even know why I am writing. It seems almost a mute point to say that I am doing poorly. I just feel like crying. Guess maybe the NTMM thing is doing a repeat. Do I care? Not quite sure. As I sit here I jsut keep listening to The Climb and try to keep my chin up. Sometimes I wonder what else I can do but cry through the night and still keep treading water. I may not be making progress but I am not allowing myself to slip backwards either. I won't let my life slip through my hands once again. I WILL NOT drink anymore and I will not give in to my pain meds addiction nor will I smoke weed or use any other rec drug or heavy drug. I will make it through. I will be stronger than the sum of my life's journey. I HAVE TO be more than the suffering and I HAVE TO be above failure. I have to. I just have to. Without that determination and hope I am nothing and will fall so far I may never come back.
Later...
In some ways I have found my own struggles insignificant against others'. I have recently come face to face with several people I am in awe of. I am struck by their resilience. When people treat you like trash and you come back as a compassionate, sensitive, and determined person, it is amazing to me.
I can't take away their pain though and that causes me great internal conflict but I choose to feel that discomfort so that they might not be alone. It is my choice to feel pain. I choose to take a walk in their shoes and realize what life for them is like. It is hard for me to stay present for long in listening to hard things but I have recently stayed extremely present amid my own internal struggle.
Being there for others and listening helps me re-focus my life. I am reminded of how small my problems are in comparison. I am humbled by the experiences. It helps me to have the chance to step into someone else's shoes and really feel empathy for them. I wonder if people every do that when I talk.
Yesterday I QTMM which is kinda shush shush. I guess the part that pushed me towards that repeated path was MGW. I just hate that. I don't want to be one of those people in others' lives that in always in crisis or always coming to them for help so I am trying to do things on my own. I just don't ever want to be a burden the way I am to my family.
I guess what set me off initially today was Rachel but then at volleyball I just kept missing the digs and passing horribly and it torn me up. I hate off days. I get them maybe once a month and today just happened to be this one. If Tiff wasn't such a phenomenal player I coulda probably put myself in check but I lost control. I felt so outraged at myself for messing everything up and then I started getting mad at other people too. I try to maintain my cool and this time I did, but internally I felt like a volcano waiting to erupt. I don't like getting mad. I detest the very idea. I have always felt that anger and feeling it made me like my father.
I try to be more than my father is and was. I try in all I do to be better. I fail sometimes. Right now this blinding headache is a bad thing. I have been feeding off pain all day. I suppose I try to hide that sort of thing from people. Truth is, when I hit my fist against the stove on accident, I stood there soaking up the pain and it was calming. I know this is a bad sign because this means the SI is back. I can't afford to hurt myself anymore. I can't afford to let on to how I feel inside. It just isn't acceptable to me or anyone else. But a small part has crept back in and decided that SI is only a step away. Oh boy. Gotta hold it at bay.
I suppose GOMM has something to do with the sudden reappearance of the thoughts but I can't stand the other things happening so I keep on. Because what else am I to do?
I have been staying away from dbsa and haven't been to a tdoc in some time now and I feel like I am not even sure how I am doing but in some way not having someone to remind me of my MI I somehow seem to suck it up better. Isn't that what everyone wants me to do? Suck it up? Tough it out? Get over it? Etc.
I don't even know why I am writing. It seems almost a mute point to say that I am doing poorly. I just feel like crying. Guess maybe the NTMM thing is doing a repeat. Do I care? Not quite sure. As I sit here I jsut keep listening to The Climb and try to keep my chin up. Sometimes I wonder what else I can do but cry through the night and still keep treading water. I may not be making progress but I am not allowing myself to slip backwards either. I won't let my life slip through my hands once again. I WILL NOT drink anymore and I will not give in to my pain meds addiction nor will I smoke weed or use any other rec drug or heavy drug. I will make it through. I will be stronger than the sum of my life's journey. I HAVE TO be more than the suffering and I HAVE TO be above failure. I have to. I just have to. Without that determination and hope I am nothing and will fall so far I may never come back.
Later...
In some ways I have found my own struggles insignificant against others'. I have recently come face to face with several people I am in awe of. I am struck by their resilience. When people treat you like trash and you come back as a compassionate, sensitive, and determined person, it is amazing to me.
I can't take away their pain though and that causes me great internal conflict but I choose to feel that discomfort so that they might not be alone. It is my choice to feel pain. I choose to take a walk in their shoes and realize what life for them is like. It is hard for me to stay present for long in listening to hard things but I have recently stayed extremely present amid my own internal struggle.
Being there for others and listening helps me re-focus my life. I am reminded of how small my problems are in comparison. I am humbled by the experiences. It helps me to have the chance to step into someone else's shoes and really feel empathy for them. I wonder if people every do that when I talk.
Rachel...
I saw Rachel this morning. There I was, riding my bike out of Autumn Winds and she walked in front of my bike. In all her glory. Tight jeans and nose so high in the air that she did not even recognize me; I'm pretty sure. That strawberry blonde hair would be recognizable to me anywhere even with her big black sunglasses. OH what flashbacks.
I am brought back to days so hot that my light blue jeans stuck to my calves. I am brought back to summer afternoons with Mindy. It all came back in a flood of emotion and feeling. I was thrown back in time to arguments with Rachel over dishes and over phones. Suddenly with the wind blowing gently across my dry face I remember it all. I am swirling in flashbacks and all I can think is how often Rachel's hurtful words have spun across my mind in doubting moments.
Rachel made me question my sanity more than any one person ever has. I have never been so insulting nor so attacked. I am brought back to my leg injury, the crutches, and her shoving me. I can't even believe that someone is that evil. I never thought anyone could be worse than my dad. I was wrong. I don't know that anyone has ever thrown apart the very threads that cover my pride the way Rachel did. I never did tell anyone the extent of what happened when I lived with her.
Even hearing Rachel Vermillion's name float around in my head has made me nauseated. Then, walking back from class I see her. She lives at Camden. To think I almost lived there this semester. I knew that God curved my path towards Autumn Winds for a reason but I could never have imagined that that was why. I thought I lived here for quite a different reason. Interesting.
I haven't seen Rachel since last October. I find myself drifting back to those days. I was in school last summer and yet I was drinking. I hate to give her royal snottiness that credit but I am gonna have to hand her the credit for getting me so wickedly drunk so often. I have never hated someone quite like that. Perhaps this is evil of me but really after you live with someone like that you realize just how messed up some people are. I had never lived with someone with a personality disorder til I lived with her. I always had been curious what people with narcissistic personality disorder were like. Now I know. I hope she never gets her psychology degree. It would be such a shame to have more messed up psychologists around.
I am brought back to days so hot that my light blue jeans stuck to my calves. I am brought back to summer afternoons with Mindy. It all came back in a flood of emotion and feeling. I was thrown back in time to arguments with Rachel over dishes and over phones. Suddenly with the wind blowing gently across my dry face I remember it all. I am swirling in flashbacks and all I can think is how often Rachel's hurtful words have spun across my mind in doubting moments.
Rachel made me question my sanity more than any one person ever has. I have never been so insulting nor so attacked. I am brought back to my leg injury, the crutches, and her shoving me. I can't even believe that someone is that evil. I never thought anyone could be worse than my dad. I was wrong. I don't know that anyone has ever thrown apart the very threads that cover my pride the way Rachel did. I never did tell anyone the extent of what happened when I lived with her.
Even hearing Rachel Vermillion's name float around in my head has made me nauseated. Then, walking back from class I see her. She lives at Camden. To think I almost lived there this semester. I knew that God curved my path towards Autumn Winds for a reason but I could never have imagined that that was why. I thought I lived here for quite a different reason. Interesting.
I haven't seen Rachel since last October. I find myself drifting back to those days. I was in school last summer and yet I was drinking. I hate to give her royal snottiness that credit but I am gonna have to hand her the credit for getting me so wickedly drunk so often. I have never hated someone quite like that. Perhaps this is evil of me but really after you live with someone like that you realize just how messed up some people are. I had never lived with someone with a personality disorder til I lived with her. I always had been curious what people with narcissistic personality disorder were like. Now I know. I hope she never gets her psychology degree. It would be such a shame to have more messed up psychologists around.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Jumble of Cogs Spinning out of Control
I keep trying to read my book (CBT for PTSD;the clinical approach) but I am getting brain overload like every page. So then I switch to The Divine Center (via Tiffany) but that book yeilds the same exactl results. I wonder; what is wrong with me? I used to read all the flippin time!
Oh so btw I have decided that The Cleaner is my new favorite tv show. It pretty much hanks my heart strings. Why do tv shows like that do that? In Plain Sight is the only other tv show that seems to do that to the same extent. Somehow the PTSD in the show hits my core. Something about relating. The Cleaner just reminds me how far I have gone and how far down I can go again if I mess up my cleanness and sobriety.
Anyone else notice how good I look in my new pink shirt? J/k.
Got the inevitable email from Jenna. Guess I was right. I didn't want to be right though. I didn't want her to deny me but hey you know she woulda brought it up a long time ago if it really was an option, right? Now I am totally on my own. I wonder why I feel so calm. I should be freaking out but somehow I feel like I have permission to do whatever the F I want now that I have no therapist to monitor me and my ptsd/dp. Really, I just want to get wickedly wasted. If only I could cue those halucinations and relive some drunken moments. Not that I really want to be that good looking skank again. I jsut want the drugs and alcohol. Some weed, please? Please? Why do I have to be such an addict? Ah! Ok trying to think of something else, ANYTHING ELSE. How bout food. Nope. Trying not to eat my feelings. I don't digest food at the same rate as Brit so eating my feelings would soon become eating my car.
I've settled on school as a new topic. School. Oh boy. I am totally screwing THAT up. Shiz. I need to take care of biz. Problem is, I feel so stressed that I avoid it altogether. I had plans to go to bed early lastnight cus I knew I was tired. Yup. 14 hours of sleep must count as tired, right? Sigh. I am totally failing out of school. This is so bad. Glad I am transferring back to Portland soon. I really want to get through this semester though and stay for fall. I would love it above all other things. Which brings me back to the Psychology hw I am supposed to be doing right now. Sigh. I hate my life. Sometimes. Right now.
****throw psych book at row of computers opposite me in the library****
Much better.
Oh so btw I have decided that The Cleaner is my new favorite tv show. It pretty much hanks my heart strings. Why do tv shows like that do that? In Plain Sight is the only other tv show that seems to do that to the same extent. Somehow the PTSD in the show hits my core. Something about relating. The Cleaner just reminds me how far I have gone and how far down I can go again if I mess up my cleanness and sobriety.
Anyone else notice how good I look in my new pink shirt? J/k.
Got the inevitable email from Jenna. Guess I was right. I didn't want to be right though. I didn't want her to deny me but hey you know she woulda brought it up a long time ago if it really was an option, right? Now I am totally on my own. I wonder why I feel so calm. I should be freaking out but somehow I feel like I have permission to do whatever the F I want now that I have no therapist to monitor me and my ptsd/dp. Really, I just want to get wickedly wasted. If only I could cue those halucinations and relive some drunken moments. Not that I really want to be that good looking skank again. I jsut want the drugs and alcohol. Some weed, please? Please? Why do I have to be such an addict? Ah! Ok trying to think of something else, ANYTHING ELSE. How bout food. Nope. Trying not to eat my feelings. I don't digest food at the same rate as Brit so eating my feelings would soon become eating my car.
I've settled on school as a new topic. School. Oh boy. I am totally screwing THAT up. Shiz. I need to take care of biz. Problem is, I feel so stressed that I avoid it altogether. I had plans to go to bed early lastnight cus I knew I was tired. Yup. 14 hours of sleep must count as tired, right? Sigh. I am totally failing out of school. This is so bad. Glad I am transferring back to Portland soon. I really want to get through this semester though and stay for fall. I would love it above all other things. Which brings me back to the Psychology hw I am supposed to be doing right now. Sigh. I hate my life. Sometimes. Right now.
****throw psych book at row of computers opposite me in the library****
Much better.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
My trust has been ripped from all things...
Wow. I am so beyond pissed off that I can barely keep myself contained. Sometimes my problem with trust becomes too much of a barrier in my relationships but this is one time where I am almost certain that I am not being crazy. I cannot even begin to describe how violated I feel. I cannot even begin to try and unfold the figurative arms inside myself.
I feel like my jaw has re-tightened and all the parts of my body want to draw close. I don't like feeling this raw and open to the world at such a vulnerable time. I wish I had not let myself become this way. I regret it right now because it is leaving me so angry I can't even slow my breathing. I don't get this way often but congratulations someone pushed just the right fucking button.
I wish I could say I forgive easily and that this will go away but I know myself well enough to know that this is not going to go away and I am not going to trust this person again. It's too bad too; I was making progress. Actually, I believe this is a fault of mine; opening up and then not knowing where to draw the line in the sand. I have no idea how to pull back once I have been exposed. This is a problem for me.
I cannot ever confront this person irl so here I am trying with all my might to somehow swallow this and make it all go away. I know I am not stable on the meds again yet and perhaps that instability is getting me here but I am ready to go off them again or simply OD. WTF?! This is so messed up. I can't even see the beginning of when I first started feeling this way except to see that somehow this isn't going away and I am ready to shut the front door and shut everyone out. This is how I recooperate; dissociate the world away and shut it all out. The world has never been a safe place and now I am reminded of this is a shot-to-the-gut kind of way.
I am not even sure what is real half the time. I know my pdoc was all about telling me I am sane and it's totally normal for people to halucinate but this may be a little much. I am not even sure that I am halucinating because how in the freak would a person know such a thing?!
All I really am certain of at this point is that I am so far gone that I'm not so sure therapy can bring me back. I just wonder what parts of my life I will have to hide now. There are times in life when you gotta crawl. There are times in life when you gotta fall. But, just how far and how long I have no way of knowing. A part of me feels like I messed up big this time but in the end none of it matters becasue when I stop and focus on life I realize that I don't matter and knowing that I don't matter signifies just how much none of this matters and so I wonder as I write if I ought to even publish any of this.
I don't even know where to turn anymore. I really wish I felt like someone cared but I don't. And right on cue the water works come to say hello and remind me that I am flailing in the wind, falling, without a parachute. But snap! I dissociate and it all goes away, the tears dissapear and I am nothing, feeling nothing. How is it that I do that? I jsut want to feel some sort of pain to calm the sense of nothingness I feel. Not what I would call an ideal way to cope but wtf am I to do anymore? Ten years of therapy and meds and all for what? To land right back in this place. A place where no dream could ever come true and no hope could ever find a place to be justified.
With no tdoc and no really sense of what is going on for me I feel rather hopeless. I wish that my parents would help me out and help me pay for a therapist but to them this is all something I ought to "get over" or "snap out of" and since I can't do that I am left with thoughts of suicide, almost too real to have not already happened.
I feel like my jaw has re-tightened and all the parts of my body want to draw close. I don't like feeling this raw and open to the world at such a vulnerable time. I wish I had not let myself become this way. I regret it right now because it is leaving me so angry I can't even slow my breathing. I don't get this way often but congratulations someone pushed just the right fucking button.
I wish I could say I forgive easily and that this will go away but I know myself well enough to know that this is not going to go away and I am not going to trust this person again. It's too bad too; I was making progress. Actually, I believe this is a fault of mine; opening up and then not knowing where to draw the line in the sand. I have no idea how to pull back once I have been exposed. This is a problem for me.
I cannot ever confront this person irl so here I am trying with all my might to somehow swallow this and make it all go away. I know I am not stable on the meds again yet and perhaps that instability is getting me here but I am ready to go off them again or simply OD. WTF?! This is so messed up. I can't even see the beginning of when I first started feeling this way except to see that somehow this isn't going away and I am ready to shut the front door and shut everyone out. This is how I recooperate; dissociate the world away and shut it all out. The world has never been a safe place and now I am reminded of this is a shot-to-the-gut kind of way.
I am not even sure what is real half the time. I know my pdoc was all about telling me I am sane and it's totally normal for people to halucinate but this may be a little much. I am not even sure that I am halucinating because how in the freak would a person know such a thing?!
All I really am certain of at this point is that I am so far gone that I'm not so sure therapy can bring me back. I just wonder what parts of my life I will have to hide now. There are times in life when you gotta crawl. There are times in life when you gotta fall. But, just how far and how long I have no way of knowing. A part of me feels like I messed up big this time but in the end none of it matters becasue when I stop and focus on life I realize that I don't matter and knowing that I don't matter signifies just how much none of this matters and so I wonder as I write if I ought to even publish any of this.
I don't even know where to turn anymore. I really wish I felt like someone cared but I don't. And right on cue the water works come to say hello and remind me that I am flailing in the wind, falling, without a parachute. But snap! I dissociate and it all goes away, the tears dissapear and I am nothing, feeling nothing. How is it that I do that? I jsut want to feel some sort of pain to calm the sense of nothingness I feel. Not what I would call an ideal way to cope but wtf am I to do anymore? Ten years of therapy and meds and all for what? To land right back in this place. A place where no dream could ever come true and no hope could ever find a place to be justified.
With no tdoc and no really sense of what is going on for me I feel rather hopeless. I wish that my parents would help me out and help me pay for a therapist but to them this is all something I ought to "get over" or "snap out of" and since I can't do that I am left with thoughts of suicide, almost too real to have not already happened.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Experiment diagnosis
Experiment over.
I need my meds.
What a mistake.
Back on my crutches. I hate that I need them and somehow that accident that led me to going off them seemed so small and inconsequental and really it happened through a series of subconscious events. Still not sure what I was thinking of feeling but now I guess I see that I really do need the meds. Tip of the hat to Brit for the logic that showed me that really I am retarded for even considering going off them. I went from sort of handling things to not at all handling things and nearly taking my own life. I don't really think that, that was chance that those things happened at once.
I don't feel much of anything today but I am trying to hold on to that reasoning that I really do need my meds and hoping it is temporary so that I can deal with all my issues. I wish I was back in Portland and could see Jenna.
I can't believe how affected I am by the whole thing with Dan and not being allowed to attend group. I feel devastated by it. I feel this close to quitting school and heading home. I know people don't get how debilatating my depression can be and I wish I could show them but it's enough that I know I need help and am not getting it. Time to really fight for my health I guess.
I've been trying to hide from people just how not ok I am but seems it is still showing through in some ways. I don't mind people knowing but a part of me does care. I just hate feeling see through and readable at times. Sadly, most times when people notice they say nothing at all anyway. I hate that the worst.
I told Mamie I needed time alone and didn't want to talk to her. I told her I would contact her again when I was ready. I am the kind of person that is uncomfortable with the closeness she felt for me. I don't want anyone to be that attached to me, ever. It felt like she was trying to take care of me way too much and that is a huge turn off. I also broke things off with Liz because really we all know that that friendship was one way and hell I couldn't take it anymore. I am only one person with only so much strength and she sucked every last drop out day in and day out.
To do list accomplishments:
1. Stop eating. Check. Oh but lots of blackouts. Is that a sign or something?
2. Make sure this not eating thing makes me lose weight. Check. Slowly but surely. I'm stoked.
3. Hide this not eating thing from docs. Check. No docs to worry about since I quit seeing them all. Yay, finaly got rid of that baggage.
New list of things to do:
1. Remember daily that I need my meds. Do not skip doses. This has caused catastrophic changes in the past.
2. Run atleast a 15k each week
3. Go to class. This is creating a monumental problem for my previous good grades this semester.
Note to self: What happens if Jenna can't/won't do phone session?
I need my meds.
What a mistake.
Back on my crutches. I hate that I need them and somehow that accident that led me to going off them seemed so small and inconsequental and really it happened through a series of subconscious events. Still not sure what I was thinking of feeling but now I guess I see that I really do need the meds. Tip of the hat to Brit for the logic that showed me that really I am retarded for even considering going off them. I went from sort of handling things to not at all handling things and nearly taking my own life. I don't really think that, that was chance that those things happened at once.
I don't feel much of anything today but I am trying to hold on to that reasoning that I really do need my meds and hoping it is temporary so that I can deal with all my issues. I wish I was back in Portland and could see Jenna.
I can't believe how affected I am by the whole thing with Dan and not being allowed to attend group. I feel devastated by it. I feel this close to quitting school and heading home. I know people don't get how debilatating my depression can be and I wish I could show them but it's enough that I know I need help and am not getting it. Time to really fight for my health I guess.
I've been trying to hide from people just how not ok I am but seems it is still showing through in some ways. I don't mind people knowing but a part of me does care. I just hate feeling see through and readable at times. Sadly, most times when people notice they say nothing at all anyway. I hate that the worst.
I told Mamie I needed time alone and didn't want to talk to her. I told her I would contact her again when I was ready. I am the kind of person that is uncomfortable with the closeness she felt for me. I don't want anyone to be that attached to me, ever. It felt like she was trying to take care of me way too much and that is a huge turn off. I also broke things off with Liz because really we all know that that friendship was one way and hell I couldn't take it anymore. I am only one person with only so much strength and she sucked every last drop out day in and day out.
To do list accomplishments:
1. Stop eating. Check. Oh but lots of blackouts. Is that a sign or something?
2. Make sure this not eating thing makes me lose weight. Check. Slowly but surely. I'm stoked.
3. Hide this not eating thing from docs. Check. No docs to worry about since I quit seeing them all. Yay, finaly got rid of that baggage.
New list of things to do:
1. Remember daily that I need my meds. Do not skip doses. This has caused catastrophic changes in the past.
2. Run atleast a 15k each week
3. Go to class. This is creating a monumental problem for my previous good grades this semester.
Note to self: What happens if Jenna can't/won't do phone session?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Million dollar question
"...so are you trying to make me stronger, or are ya trying to kill me?"-The Cleaner
My master has made me this collar so I can talk...Squirrel!! .....Hi....
Wow. I forgot to finish that thought...again. Meds. Geez. I am retarded lately. I forgot to go to therapy. I forgot about the test. I forgot why the sky is always raining on me and trying to ruin my life. J/k on that last part.
I have been very forgetful lately. I really just need a vaca from life. I mean come on people, if I have to live in this awful hellish life of mine can't I just get wickedly drunk every now and again?...and slowly drink away my life? That was a joke. I really do want to get drunk. Did anyone else realize how much I am bringing this up lately? Well I do.
Anyway, meds. This is insane, oh wait, no, I'M insane.
*****insert randon thought*****
Che, if you are reading this, You are seriously amazing. And Tiff, if you are reading this, don't be jealous cus we all know I think you are freaking incredible too!
*****random thought done*****
Meds. Back on track. So, I'm thinking positively about the whole thing and trying to see this as an opportunity to be ok. I am working out regularly, which is more than I can say for most of my post high school days. I have been in an extra contemplative mood the last few days and feel the desire to relfex on a few quotes.
"Strength is the willingness to take risks...to disclose yourself...being real."
"It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves" -Edmund Hilary(first man to climb mt. everest)
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy."
"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."-Babe Ruth
"It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself."
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take teh next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."-Eleanor Roosevelt
"A friend in one before whom I may think aloud."-Ralph Waldo Emerson
...and with that last thought I think I have summed up the entirety of my deep thoughts. I think that there are so often moments that pass us by in life because we are too busy figuring out what to do with ourselves next that we don't stop and notice what is going on around us. I have often been surprised when I really did stop and look around myself. I was surprised to realize that the walk home from the gym really is a pleasant one. I was surprised to find that my sorrows were paling in comparison to my neighbor's. I think that if we all cared more deeply about the well-being of those around us that we would all be better taken care of.
I find myself wondering how much pain would have been avoided in life on this earth if people would have stopped to think about the far reaching amplification of what they were attempting to do. When a girl opens her mouth to make a smart aleck remark does she consider the fragile state of the person recieving the comment or does she just selfishly feel that restraining herself and her words is not worth the effort?
I feel like I am rambling tonight which is fine I guess since I am not talking much lately. I don't feel like I have much to say but others want things to be said so I struggle to find words. Sometimes I am a real idiot and I miss things. I didn't realize that my sister was not ok until she started sobbin. I am usually an expert on such things(I am rather proud of the fact that I detect emotional states so well. Others are not such fans). Poor little sister though. I am the rock in the family. I bear the trials and hardship and I walk with a stiff lip. If I don't hold it together, no one will.
I don't mind being the one people come to for support. It actually ends up helping me quite a bit because I find that in losing myself in the service to others I often come to terms with my own self. I think this is why I was always such a fan of the local wildlife programs and the parks service projects. I have always loved to do things for others. I just always wanted to feel like I did something. I only wish people would let me help. So often people do not let me help and it hurts me. I would love nothing more than to sit and quietly listen to a person struggling but so often people resist that opportunity. Jill comes to mind.
The thing that tears me up the most and I am trying to get over is when I know someone is not ok and I realize that I have to walk away, not becasue I don't care but because they won't let me in. I have been through hell, no one would really deny that except my fucked up family but I still try ot let people in. I take risks. I take chances. I get hurt. I put my foot out into the dark and wait for people to lead me. I just wish other people would do the same. End of soap box. I feel alone. Darn that feeling. I have been told to try and remember that people are still there in spirit in when not in person but still I feel utterly alone.
Especially when people are asleep and I lay wide awake. I hate this. I lay there and the longer it goes the more I go crazy. I am the most messed up right before I go to bed. I have noticed this for quite some time now. I let go and a lot of the pent up feelings of the day come to the surface. Tonight I try to push thoughts out of my mind of taking my arm and strapping it down to the burner and leaving it on high. Oh what a charming thought. How I long to follow through. I can't afford to try and hide that kind of wound though and the mear action would leave me craving more, I jsut know it. Must. Resist.
Crossing fingers that Jenna doing phone sessions will be a realistic thing and might actually happen.
Just dissociated. Oops. I'm back. Earth to Sher. Why does the thought of not being able to talk to Jenna produce such a reaction. Too raw evoking. Will delve into that thought at later date.
I have been very forgetful lately. I really just need a vaca from life. I mean come on people, if I have to live in this awful hellish life of mine can't I just get wickedly drunk every now and again?...and slowly drink away my life? That was a joke. I really do want to get drunk. Did anyone else realize how much I am bringing this up lately? Well I do.
Anyway, meds. This is insane, oh wait, no, I'M insane.
*****insert randon thought*****
Che, if you are reading this, You are seriously amazing. And Tiff, if you are reading this, don't be jealous cus we all know I think you are freaking incredible too!
*****random thought done*****
Meds. Back on track. So, I'm thinking positively about the whole thing and trying to see this as an opportunity to be ok. I am working out regularly, which is more than I can say for most of my post high school days. I have been in an extra contemplative mood the last few days and feel the desire to relfex on a few quotes.
"Strength is the willingness to take risks...to disclose yourself...being real."
"It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves" -Edmund Hilary(first man to climb mt. everest)
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy."
"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."-Babe Ruth
"It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself."
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take teh next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."-Eleanor Roosevelt
"A friend in one before whom I may think aloud."-Ralph Waldo Emerson
...and with that last thought I think I have summed up the entirety of my deep thoughts. I think that there are so often moments that pass us by in life because we are too busy figuring out what to do with ourselves next that we don't stop and notice what is going on around us. I have often been surprised when I really did stop and look around myself. I was surprised to realize that the walk home from the gym really is a pleasant one. I was surprised to find that my sorrows were paling in comparison to my neighbor's. I think that if we all cared more deeply about the well-being of those around us that we would all be better taken care of.
I find myself wondering how much pain would have been avoided in life on this earth if people would have stopped to think about the far reaching amplification of what they were attempting to do. When a girl opens her mouth to make a smart aleck remark does she consider the fragile state of the person recieving the comment or does she just selfishly feel that restraining herself and her words is not worth the effort?
I feel like I am rambling tonight which is fine I guess since I am not talking much lately. I don't feel like I have much to say but others want things to be said so I struggle to find words. Sometimes I am a real idiot and I miss things. I didn't realize that my sister was not ok until she started sobbin. I am usually an expert on such things(I am rather proud of the fact that I detect emotional states so well. Others are not such fans). Poor little sister though. I am the rock in the family. I bear the trials and hardship and I walk with a stiff lip. If I don't hold it together, no one will.
I don't mind being the one people come to for support. It actually ends up helping me quite a bit because I find that in losing myself in the service to others I often come to terms with my own self. I think this is why I was always such a fan of the local wildlife programs and the parks service projects. I have always loved to do things for others. I just always wanted to feel like I did something. I only wish people would let me help. So often people do not let me help and it hurts me. I would love nothing more than to sit and quietly listen to a person struggling but so often people resist that opportunity. Jill comes to mind.
The thing that tears me up the most and I am trying to get over is when I know someone is not ok and I realize that I have to walk away, not becasue I don't care but because they won't let me in. I have been through hell, no one would really deny that except my fucked up family but I still try ot let people in. I take risks. I take chances. I get hurt. I put my foot out into the dark and wait for people to lead me. I just wish other people would do the same. End of soap box. I feel alone. Darn that feeling. I have been told to try and remember that people are still there in spirit in when not in person but still I feel utterly alone.
Especially when people are asleep and I lay wide awake. I hate this. I lay there and the longer it goes the more I go crazy. I am the most messed up right before I go to bed. I have noticed this for quite some time now. I let go and a lot of the pent up feelings of the day come to the surface. Tonight I try to push thoughts out of my mind of taking my arm and strapping it down to the burner and leaving it on high. Oh what a charming thought. How I long to follow through. I can't afford to try and hide that kind of wound though and the mear action would leave me craving more, I jsut know it. Must. Resist.
Crossing fingers that Jenna doing phone sessions will be a realistic thing and might actually happen.
Just dissociated. Oops. I'm back. Earth to Sher. Why does the thought of not being able to talk to Jenna produce such a reaction. Too raw evoking. Will delve into that thought at later date.
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